"This is exactly what I am supposed to be doing."

That is what I thought to myself last night as I stood before 30 junior high girls. We had an awesome worship set, a special, God gave me a message about making certain right choices and then we had ministry time at the altar. Through out the message I encouraged the girls that either you CHOOSE or you LOSE. We challenged them to choose purity in all forms (how they think, what they look at, how they talk, dress and within the area of boys). We challenged them to choose love eachother, both friends and strangers and girls of all shapes, sizes and backgrounds. We challenged them to choose to love themselves. And we challeged the to choose Jesus. Because all of the stuff before it can all sound really nice..but without Jesus in their hearts, all that goodness falls by the wayside.

Some of the girls made first time decisions and gave their hearts to Jesus last night. A few others realized they  needed to get back up and walk the path they know God has for them...many of them had already made that decision.

Then, when they know personally who we are sharing from...well then it all can start to make sense. So as we prayed...as the sweet song sung by Kari Jobe "My Beloved" played...as these precious young ladies fell to their knee's and sobbed from the pain of self loathing, low self esteem, a heart check and so much more...I stood there...

Did you know that in a survey of girls in America aged 13-17, 43% of them said they would compromise themselves for their boyfriend? Did you know that one survey found that in girls aged 9-10, 40% of them have tried to lose weight? Did you know that in our country, 53% of 13 year old girls are unhappy with their bodies? Did you know that 93% if teenage girls wish they could change something about their bodies? Did you also know that only 2% of American teenage girls consider themselves beautiful?

TWO percent.

Wait-you didn't know? Neither did I. I mean I knew I definitely had self esteem issues growing up. I knew that I was teased and outright treated like I was invisible all through junior high. I knew that most of my sixth grade year was spent eating my lunch alone in the bathroom or in my english teachers class as she graded papers. I knew that I constantly volunteered to do certain group projects alone before we could even pick partners because most of the time, I was left to just be assigned by my teacher to a group. I knew the pain I had experienced. I also knew some of them had some issues with self-image. Why then was I beyond oblivious and quite honestly "too busy" to care?

My heart broke...it just fell to a million little pieces. I was so convicted by my apathy. Surely these girls get some encouragement from their parents? Surely they feel our love when we say hello or give them a big hug when we see them in service. Yea...yea..they are fine.

Can I tell you something? The kids are not alright.

As we had our altar time, as my women leaders made their way through to pray for each girl...I tried to pray and my voice cracked, my heart pounded and I felt so hot all over. I felt their pain. I saw the tears stream from their eyes, I saw their hands clenched together as they prayed that God would heal their hearts and minds...I saw as their bodies jerked from crying as a leader layed hands and poured love and prayer over them...

God did heart surgery and he helped trasnform minds last night. We declared out loud that we CHOOSE life. We CHOOSE purity of the mind, body and spirit. We CHOOSE to love eachother and to love ourselves for EXACTLY who we are...and we CHOOSE JESUS...above all we choose Jesus...

The songs kept playing...they girls prayed over eachother. They embraced eachother and began to tell eachother they were beautiful and a perfect creation. They left it all there...here is what some of them said in their promises they wrote down to leave at the altar :

"I choose purity in all forms. I think if I do that then I will really be able to accept Jesus' truths and I will learn to love myself."

"Sometimes I feel like I am not pretty because I am not skinny. But now I will accept myself for who I am because GOD made me and I love Him."

"I need to choose to love my face and my body."

"I choose Jesus."

"I was bullied, so now I bully. But I need help in my attitude. To not judge. To accept myself too and not gossip. To let people (girls) into my life."

"I choose to love others, I struggle with friends."

"I choose Jesus. I don't like certain things about me. I need to learn that God made me perfect. I am not a mistake"

"To not focus on my weight. I need to love myself. And love God more."

"I need to choose to love myself and stop thinking I am not a regular girl. I need to learn I am made perfect in God's eyes"

There are so many more...but as I stood there...as I saw them lay these little stickie notes down with their promises on them at the altar...I couldn't help my cry with them. To hug them. To pull their hair back and whipe their tears. And all I thought was, "This is exactly what I am supposed to be doing." Not so much in the sense that I feel called to be a minister..but it's that I love these girls. I-and every other woman should be pouring into the younger generations. Offering to help teach God's word and truth to them. They are so bombarded with just junk. They need encouragement, they need affirmation, they need love...

God just moved so big in them last night. I believe he opened their eyes to a lot, even things about themselves that it can be really hard to face. To God be ALL the glory for last night...in no way, shape or form could I have drummed any of that up....I am so, so, so grateful to God that he gave us all the opportunity to come together-just the ladies....so grateful. They left feeling lighter, smiling a little bigger and with arms wrapped around eachother...so awesome..God is so good.

We are not done. Oh no...far from it...this is just the beginning...these girls are ready for more...

Kari Jobe-My Beloved

(such a beautiful song)

That's what I said as tears flowed down my face this past Saturday..God..."You saved me..."

I meant it in the "right now" sense as far as what Chris and I had gone through with our loss...I gave my life to Christ when I was 12 so I have been "saved" by grace ever since. Saturday though, I meant that God saved me from..well, let me explain..

In working through all the feelings, emotions and physical and mental growth and recovery that comes from losing a pregnancy/baby..I had read countless stories, posts and received emailes of women who just were so lost along with everything else. The depression and grief were just too strong and thus they felt so helpless, hopeless, weak and broken. I was so scared I would somehow end up so wrapped up in all of it that I wouldn't be able to get out. Nothing goes back to normal right away, its natural for things to take some time. But in my reading, research and inquiring posts on message boards, I learned all too well of the pit that waits if we cannot somehow find the strength to..well, be strong. I mean really, in times like that..you are just so desperate to feel in just the tiniest bit of control and hope that the strength you need so badly will soon come..

I remember..in the first couple of weeks, in going to the appointment and finding out we had lost our baby, in just a couple hours after that having to schedule the procedure and then in the days we took to just "be"..I absolutely hated my humanness. Because in that, in my humanness I was acutely aware of the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do.

Nothing.

In my circumstance-in that very moment Chris and I were left alone in the doctors office to just take a few minutes to ourselves before we had to make any decisions. You could just feel the rawness of emotion and even in that sadness, I felt held. Jesus was there with us, holding us and mourning with us. That was the only moment in my entire life that my heart was broken. But I still felt God there..

And in the events that were to follow and the weeks that were to come, we had to put one foot infront of the other and move forward. I felt though, in getting up and getting ready for work..in planning things each weekend and waking each day..some how, I felt like I was doing my baby an injustice. But through my husband, a friend of ours (Natalie Valdez, love you girl!)..and God..they all helped me realize that this was necessary and God was with us. We will never forget that pregnancy and our first baby, we just can't. But with God, we can still honor her--but also start to live life again, try for a baby again, be excited for other people's pregnancies and baby announcements and baby showers again. (now, most of this pertains to me but..you get what I'm trying to say) I think for me, it was harder #1) because I am emotional by nature as a woman..and #2) it was my body that had begun to change and take the shape necessary to take care of the little life inside me..and it was my body that also had to endure everything that came along with no longer being pregnant..and with the recovery. All of that was just a constant reminder for me, and different from the way in which Chris was handling things. And that's okay, thats normal...we are both healing and still, getting better each day.

Yes, some days certain things still sting..I stare at pregnant women some days and others I just bounce my eyes. Certain songs or poems I hear or see grip me like they wouldn't have before. But what I want to get across, and make clear..is that with God, all of this is easier. Easy in the sense that its doable. Moving forward is possible. Having a healed heart, being able to again, find joy in things that would otherwise hurt my heart because of my loss..its all possible with God. I realized that early on..as Chris and I would tell eachother constantly, that God is the same. He is still God. Like he was when we got pregnant. Like He was when the world was right..the world isn't dark and wrong now as far as "our" lives went. And yes, I sat there for hours sometimes in my prayer time just telling God, "you can step in, you can change all of this, you can save us from this." And I all of a sudden realized one day, He could have.

He very well and certainly could do anything. But he didn't. And nothing in me ever felt like God "did this to us" or even "let it happen" to teach us a lesson or build our faith or even punish us. That is not my God. I read in one book that one nurse told the author when she had lost her baby that, "we live in a fallen world"..and we do. This world is not perfect, it isn't even meant for us. Our loss just..happened..and instead our precious baby was born straight into heaven..how amazing. God has His hand over it all, and we trust Him. So when the world says I should expect to feel depressed, sad for months after and still grieve for months to years, that this may cause discord in the marriage, that I will be too emotional to work right or be involved with friends and activities. That this will always be a scar on my heart and in my memory and will make me tense or scared with the next pregancy. I can turn to God's word and hear, " Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers^[a] of this world, rather than from Christ." Col. 2:8 All of those worldly thoughts are carnal and not of God. Because God says that we, "...use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. ⁵ We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."-2 Cor 10:4-5. These weapons only come from using His word to guard and battle with our minds and hearts..when we want to just sit in the sorrow, God's Word reminds us that He has a perfect plan for our lives of fullness and plans to prosper us and not harm or hurt us (Jer 29:11).

And that's what I set to do, it's what I have been working on. To get my mind and heart aligned with God's and be okay with being happy again. Prayer and God's word not only kept me afloat during our loss, now they are ushering me forward with a heart that is healing...better that what the World said could happenor how it could happen or when. And I am just so grateful to God. That he carried us. He continues to carry us...we will not forget our first little love Isa, but we can have joy and peace again and have no guilt or sadness in even thinking about trying for another baby. Because God does intend for us to be his hands and feet in this world, and to live a life of fullness, joy, purpose and to have sound minds in Him. Choosing Christ was the best decision I ever made..he has saved me in every way....

Saved me from eternal pain both after my life ends and while I am still living it..I am not only saved by grace and faith to be able to spend eternity in heaven (Eph 2:8). But also saved in that he rescued me from the depression or fear or sorrow or hard heart I could have easily had if He was not with me. I don't know how I would have done any of this without God and I give Him all the Glory..all of it. On my own I am weak and broken but with Christ I can be whole and filled again! And He is always, always with me..

^"38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:38-39

"And be sure of this; I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matt. 28:20

So, I am happy..I am. I miss my baby everyday..but I remember the pregnancy fondly..I thank God for the little time I had with her..and the short while I carried her, even though it was a tough pregnancy..I loved it still. I will forever love my child..and until I can hold her; Heaven will. She is forever in our hearts..and I hope someday soon, we will be able to giver her a brother or sister...Chris and I are excited to be able to try again in the fall...and we trust completely that God see's things we cannot. He is on the throne, in Heaven..and He see's us. He loves us deeply. He has not changed.

You saved me, Jesus...you saved me..I see the sunlight..I love you...I feel you and I love you...I exalt you God. All I can say is thank you..and I will exalt you..you are my God...

Sometimes there are just these songs that so grip every tiny part of me. And this is one of them. My Pandora 'worship' station gives a random mix of worship..all great..But this song..did it. It moved me..the words are so true, the song is beautiful..I could just picture people at the alter just laying it all down and really receiving what God has for them through and with this song..

Meredith Andrews-The River

Everyone is broken and in need of a savior
So He came and was broken for the marker,
for the shamed
Still our eyes are blinded by the culture,
by the lies
We cant see that were filthy, we're fallen
and so dry

But He invites us
Can you hear Him say
He invites us
hear Him call your name

Welcome to the river come drink come away come find your very life
Welcome to the river of God
where your brokeness is washed away
Everywhere is the sorrow
and the pain of empty living
You can see it, look in their eyes
all the hopelessness of the world
But look closer He is right there
in the midst of every fear
Living water is the offer
Restoration is the call
and He invites us
Can you hear Him say
He invites us
hear Him call your name

Welcome to the river
Come drink come away come find your very life
Welcome to the river of God

Where your brokeness is washed away

Welcome to the river
Come drink come away come find your very life
Welcome to the river of God
Where your brokeness is washed away

find your healing
find your freedom
in the river of God
find your healing
find your freedom
in the river of God

your healing here
your freedom here
in the river of God

your healing here
your freedom here
in the river of God

Welcome to the river
Come drink come away come find your very life
Welcome to the river of God
Where your brokeness is washed away

..washed away

Everyone is broken and in need of a savior

As you listen (video below, just the song), I pray it touches your heart..sometimes we just need that reminder that God is there to wash us clean. We can go to him, he has already invited us to meet with Him and be Saved, refreshed and renewed...gosh I just love how only Jesus can do that...God you are so good! ....I love it...