..mama finished reading Heaven is For Real last night...

It's such a good book..loved the chapter "two sisters". I love how it describes their angel baby as happy and adopted by God (The Father)...and that she cannot wait for her mommy and daddy to get there. I never ever doubted that angel babies like you went to Heaven, that's just something I know. But I did realize that..there..you have such fullness, just like I prayed you would and wrote to you when we wrote our letters to you on that balloon.

There in Heaven with our Savior...you have everything you will ever need. There you will never experience pain. There you will never cry in sadness or hurt. There you will never feel alone or unloved or be dissapointed, discouraged or upset.

There you have love, true joy...peace, comfort...rest, smiles and every good thing. I thank God as I remember the pregnancy, as I remember you and your little heart beating inside me...I thank God that you can be with Him, experiencing all He ever had for you..and you are safe and happy and loved and cared for..

If you are not in my arms..there is no place I would rather you be than Jesus'..resting and thinking of us..singing and worshipping our God. I miss you every.single.day. but know that we are doing good my little love..our hearts are full and glad in Jesus name...we are happy...God is with us too...

I think of you often..I can't wait to see your sweet little face one day..I bet you have my smile and your daddy's eyes...I pray for you still. And I know there in heaven...you can't wait to see us..but you have everything you need...my heart smiles in that..all of me finds comfort and assurance in that simple fact..that there, you have everything you will ever need...

I love you...I love you..I love you...I will know your face when I get there one day...my baby..♥

{listening to: the theif-brooke fraser}

That's what I said as tears flowed down my face this past Saturday..God..."You saved me..."

I meant it in the "right now" sense as far as what Chris and I had gone through with our loss...I gave my life to Christ when I was 12 so I have been "saved" by grace ever since. Saturday though, I meant that God saved me from..well, let me explain..

In working through all the feelings, emotions and physical and mental growth and recovery that comes from losing a pregnancy/baby..I had read countless stories, posts and received emailes of women who just were so lost along with everything else. The depression and grief were just too strong and thus they felt so helpless, hopeless, weak and broken. I was so scared I would somehow end up so wrapped up in all of it that I wouldn't be able to get out. Nothing goes back to normal right away, its natural for things to take some time. But in my reading, research and inquiring posts on message boards, I learned all too well of the pit that waits if we cannot somehow find the strength to..well, be strong. I mean really, in times like that..you are just so desperate to feel in just the tiniest bit of control and hope that the strength you need so badly will soon come..

I remember..in the first couple of weeks, in going to the appointment and finding out we had lost our baby, in just a couple hours after that having to schedule the procedure and then in the days we took to just "be"..I absolutely hated my humanness. Because in that, in my humanness I was acutely aware of the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do.

Nothing.

In my circumstance-in that very moment Chris and I were left alone in the doctors office to just take a few minutes to ourselves before we had to make any decisions. You could just feel the rawness of emotion and even in that sadness, I felt held. Jesus was there with us, holding us and mourning with us. That was the only moment in my entire life that my heart was broken. But I still felt God there..

And in the events that were to follow and the weeks that were to come, we had to put one foot infront of the other and move forward. I felt though, in getting up and getting ready for work..in planning things each weekend and waking each day..some how, I felt like I was doing my baby an injustice. But through my husband, a friend of ours (Natalie Valdez, love you girl!)..and God..they all helped me realize that this was necessary and God was with us. We will never forget that pregnancy and our first baby, we just can't. But with God, we can still honor her--but also start to live life again, try for a baby again, be excited for other people's pregnancies and baby announcements and baby showers again. (now, most of this pertains to me but..you get what I'm trying to say) I think for me, it was harder #1) because I am emotional by nature as a woman..and #2) it was my body that had begun to change and take the shape necessary to take care of the little life inside me..and it was my body that also had to endure everything that came along with no longer being pregnant..and with the recovery. All of that was just a constant reminder for me, and different from the way in which Chris was handling things. And that's okay, thats normal...we are both healing and still, getting better each day.

Yes, some days certain things still sting..I stare at pregnant women some days and others I just bounce my eyes. Certain songs or poems I hear or see grip me like they wouldn't have before. But what I want to get across, and make clear..is that with God, all of this is easier. Easy in the sense that its doable. Moving forward is possible. Having a healed heart, being able to again, find joy in things that would otherwise hurt my heart because of my loss..its all possible with God. I realized that early on..as Chris and I would tell eachother constantly, that God is the same. He is still God. Like he was when we got pregnant. Like He was when the world was right..the world isn't dark and wrong now as far as "our" lives went. And yes, I sat there for hours sometimes in my prayer time just telling God, "you can step in, you can change all of this, you can save us from this." And I all of a sudden realized one day, He could have.

He very well and certainly could do anything. But he didn't. And nothing in me ever felt like God "did this to us" or even "let it happen" to teach us a lesson or build our faith or even punish us. That is not my God. I read in one book that one nurse told the author when she had lost her baby that, "we live in a fallen world"..and we do. This world is not perfect, it isn't even meant for us. Our loss just..happened..and instead our precious baby was born straight into heaven..how amazing. God has His hand over it all, and we trust Him. So when the world says I should expect to feel depressed, sad for months after and still grieve for months to years, that this may cause discord in the marriage, that I will be too emotional to work right or be involved with friends and activities. That this will always be a scar on my heart and in my memory and will make me tense or scared with the next pregancy. I can turn to God's word and hear, " Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers^[a] of this world, rather than from Christ." Col. 2:8 All of those worldly thoughts are carnal and not of God. Because God says that we, "...use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. ⁵ We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."-2 Cor 10:4-5. These weapons only come from using His word to guard and battle with our minds and hearts..when we want to just sit in the sorrow, God's Word reminds us that He has a perfect plan for our lives of fullness and plans to prosper us and not harm or hurt us (Jer 29:11).

And that's what I set to do, it's what I have been working on. To get my mind and heart aligned with God's and be okay with being happy again. Prayer and God's word not only kept me afloat during our loss, now they are ushering me forward with a heart that is healing...better that what the World said could happenor how it could happen or when. And I am just so grateful to God. That he carried us. He continues to carry us...we will not forget our first little love Isa, but we can have joy and peace again and have no guilt or sadness in even thinking about trying for another baby. Because God does intend for us to be his hands and feet in this world, and to live a life of fullness, joy, purpose and to have sound minds in Him. Choosing Christ was the best decision I ever made..he has saved me in every way....

Saved me from eternal pain both after my life ends and while I am still living it..I am not only saved by grace and faith to be able to spend eternity in heaven (Eph 2:8). But also saved in that he rescued me from the depression or fear or sorrow or hard heart I could have easily had if He was not with me. I don't know how I would have done any of this without God and I give Him all the Glory..all of it. On my own I am weak and broken but with Christ I can be whole and filled again! And He is always, always with me..

^"38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:38-39

"And be sure of this; I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matt. 28:20

So, I am happy..I am. I miss my baby everyday..but I remember the pregnancy fondly..I thank God for the little time I had with her..and the short while I carried her, even though it was a tough pregnancy..I loved it still. I will forever love my child..and until I can hold her; Heaven will. She is forever in our hearts..and I hope someday soon, we will be able to giver her a brother or sister...Chris and I are excited to be able to try again in the fall...and we trust completely that God see's things we cannot. He is on the throne, in Heaven..and He see's us. He loves us deeply. He has not changed.

You saved me, Jesus...you saved me..I see the sunlight..I love you...I feel you and I love you...I exalt you God. All I can say is thank you..and I will exalt you..you are my God...

Lately I have had no urge to write..mostly because my mind has been working overtime and I can't quite sort everything out just yet..at least not in an eloquent way...

On top of other things though...a lot of my thoughts are on and with our friends, The Peralta Family. They lost their precious four year old son last weekend (I will leave the cause out of this post out of respect for the family, details aren't needed right now..) but it was sudden for sure...

 They had and were blessed by their beautiful son for four years. I couldn't imagine the pain they were going through..all I knew was that I wanted so badly to be there for them. To do SOMETHING for them..and while they were in another state dealing with all this..all we could do was pray. All any of us could do was pray. But I know, I know in my heart that prayer works..While this family is still dealing with all of this, and in some ways a lot has only just begun...please continue to pray.

And like us, if in any way you ask "what can we do?" #1) pray..earnestly and daily...God's heart is moved when His people cry out to Him, so petition for this family before our God. #2) If you feel like that still isnt enough (to you) and you want to help in any way..I have a way..

Their family has set up a donations fund for the family to deal with very expensive medical costs surrounding all of this. They have set up the Robert Solomon Peralta Memorial Fund.( Acct# 5635377517, Routing #121042882. It's thru Wells Fargo Bank, you can give in person at any Wells, or wire/transfer money from your bank to memorial acct, must give routing # OR you can email me at the email address on the blog avilastoryblog@yahoo.com to see where you can just send/mail a check. All checks made payable to "Robert Solomon Peralta Memorial Fund")

 ^"The whole congregation of believers was united as one—one heart, one mind! They didn't even claim ownership of their own possessions. No one said, "That's mine; you can't have it." They shared everything... And so it turned out that not a person among them was needy. Those who owned fields or houses sold them and brought the price of the sale to the apostles and made an offering of it. The apostles then distributed it according to each person's need." Acts 4:32-35

"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:4

If you ask what you can do..this is what you can do right now..and while this family wouldn't ask themselves, we as their brothers and sisters in Christ are here to bear them up when they do not have the strength. Let us give of what is God's anyway..portioned out for those in need. We are all of one body..let us have the same heartbeat for all His children..and right now, for The Peralta Family..

They are the sweetest, most loving and humble couple. He is an annointed worshipper..so talented and strong in faith..He has led countless into the presence of God with Praise & Worship..she is a beautiful woman of God both inside and out. So sweet and caring..she has watched, played with and cared for many kids as she spent a lot of her time helping in the childrens ministry..and they are both amazing parents. Their two year old daughter, Lil Miss Noah...a gorgeous little fire..so playful..her laugh infectious..her smile contagious. And while this family has contributed to so many over their years in serving others and just being the amazing people they are...being who God has called them to be...will you now offer a hand back....and help?

We love them dearly..and know that God is with them and will deliver them from their pain. Not only because He said He would...

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but God delivers Him out of them all."-Psalm 34:19

"The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; He saves those who have lost all hope."-Psalm 34:18

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."-Isaiah 43:2

But because we  also know..they love God..they are strong in their faith and for eachother. And sometimes I couldn't say these things about myself so others said them for me and about me even in my weakness/brokenness, so now--I stand for them both and declare they are strong and will not be overcome by this. Even when our brokenness has us so low..we know God is close. And little Soloman is with Jesus now..He is in the presence of our precious Saviour, worshipping and playing with the Angels...strong and healthy and full of joy and peace...and He now too..is one more angel above us.. 

So, thats how I know. And we pray now for their healing, restoration, peace and even joy...that no bad thought have place here, we don't allow it.

So...if it is in your heart and within your means to give..anything at all...from the bottom of my heart, I am truly grateful. This is about our friends..and helping them in their time of need. And what you make happen for others, God will make happen for you (Luke 6:38). Come on everyone...lets come together in love and with a heart for His children...our friends in life, or even in spirit if some of you are just readers who I do not know personally...I ask with a humble and solemn heart..will you give? And if anything..I ask that you please continue to pray...thank you, thank you...

And for all of us..for The Peralta Family, for you...

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" -Philippians 4:19

"God gives power to the faint and strengthens the powerless. But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."-Isaiah 40:29-31

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so, so much..for anything you can do..I thank you. God Bless each of you and I pray God see's your blessing upon the Peralta Family..and I know He will honor you back...I pray many blessings over you..and I thank you..with love..I thank you.

xoxoxoxo
-Kris

       

The night before our 12 wk appointment, I had a dream that in the appointment they told us we were having a girl. When I woke up the next morning...I was a little perplexed. I knew it was just a dream and that at a 12 week appointment that is just too soon to learn the sex of the baby.Either way, it made me smile and I took it for what it was...a dream.

Flash forward to 2:00 pm that Tuesday afternoon and we find that we lost our baby and the chaos ensues. That night, I had no dream...I dont even remember sleeping, I was too nervous for the next morning...


That next morning, Wednesday, was the procedure and that night, I dreamt of a baby girl. She was an infant. She was all bundled up in pink onesie-long sleeve pajama's with the little feetsie bottoms, asleep and as peacful as ever. We were sitting in the bedroom and then I hand her off to Chris, he takes her into the living room where friends and family are, we all hang out...she wakes and I even nurse her (something I have obviously never done in real life). It was so surreal, so strange and so amazing all at the same time. But for some reason...I never caught a real glimpse of her little face. I remember gazing at her in my dream, just staring in awe at this baby girl..and yet when I woke..for the LIFE of me, I couldn't remember her face..but it was still an amazing dream. I didn't feel tortured by it, but rather somewhat comforted.

The next night, Thursday night...another dream. Only this time, she was a toddler. I'd say about 11 months or so. Running around all cute! In my dream, we were at this big event and Chris had just finished speaking and I was back stage with our daughter..she was dancing and running in circles, wearing jeans, gold ballet flats and a bright pink hoodie. She had short wavy/curly brown hair with a cute little flower clip holding her hair out of her face, just off to the side. Chris comes running down the corridor and swoops her up, you know-the way you do when you swing the child in the air and make them squeal with shear panic and joy! :)

He held her as we talked to other people backstage...she twirled her hair with her little fingers and giggled incessantly as daddy tickled her in between laughing with friends and conversing. But again, sadly I woke up and it was over. And again...I could not make out or remember her face. It was like that movie, Inception. Where his kids are there yet he cannot make out their faces but he knows his children. And she knew me...she knew my voice..she loved her daddy and just adored him...it was the best dream...and in that dream she had a name...

And her name, was Isabel.

We called her "Isa" for short sometimes, I remember that..but Isabel altogether.

Isabel.

When I was pregnant, Chris and I talked about names we liked and this one never really came up..In going through the loss, procedure and what was to follow, Chris had told me that in that time, he had prayed to  God, that He would help us with some identity for the baby we lost.. anything. But I had the dream about the doctor telling us we were having a girl before Chris prayed any of this...but after his prayers...in my dreams I had her for a while..and her name, her name was Isabel. I didn't tell Chris about any of this until the week after the loss...I think I still needed time to process it all and make sure I wasn't going crazy! Now, people may think I am insane or just too wrapped up still in the loss..but let me tell you. I know within my heart..that God heard our cries in the middle of our pain and answered that prayer. Yes, I think God can do this..and I know He did..without a shadow of a doubt, I believe that God not only let us know our baby was a girl...but He loved us enough to go one step further..and He named her.

Back to Friday of that week, Chris and I went to Half Moon Bay and dedicated and released "Baby Avila" to Christ and had our day together. It was a great day..we needed that. Then, the next day, before I knew it--I woke up..and realized..no dream. I hadn't had another, and I haven't had another since then. But when I stop, and think..about the dreams, about the timing..about it all. I smile. My heart smiles. It gives me such peace. I long for another dream like the ones I had that week, but I think God gave me all that I needed. He settled my heart about knowing my child since we never got to meet her and he answered Chris' prayers too..and this meant the world to him. To both of us.

I decided to make a short scrapbook for her of what we had so far through the pregnancy...pictures of the positive home pregnancy tests, of the little bump I had so far and of the two ultrasound pictures we had. Pictures of each of us and of the day we dedicated her at the beach, and journal entries I had so far about the pregnancy. It's not a lot as far as quantity..but when I think about how much it all meant to us..I can't just throw it all away or shove it in a box. We have a baby...and though she is not in our arms, she is forever in our hearts..and we are already mom & dad, just to an angel baby.

Since telling Chris, we have both found peace and joy in this :) I thought it would be nice to give her a full name..and so, upon Chris' approval, her middle name is Justine. It's my mom's middle name and then it was given to me as my middle name..and so, Isabel Justine...

"Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you.  Before you saw the light of day, I had Holy plans for you..."-Jeremiah 1:5 (The Message)

Isabel Justine Avila

I like it. Thank you God, for allowing me to have a husband who would even think to pray for this..and thank you for loving us enough..to do this for us..we love you Lord. We are grateful. God is just so good to us. :) We love you Isa...xoxo

This morning I woke up..the sun bright in our room. I felt somewhat rested for a change..and almost by habit I reached down and gently rubbed by belly to say goodmorning. For a second...I forgot...and then almost immediately I realized the loss all over again..slowly the warm tears streamed down the sides of my face and  today I feel it more than ever...my baby is not here anymore..

Tuesday was our 12 week appointment..there we were due to hear that strong heartbeat again just like we did at our 6 week appointment in June. Chris of course came along and and just before doctor squirted the gel on my growing tummy she felt around and showed me where my uterus was..how it had indeed grown and was right where it should be at 12 weeks. She then applied the cool gel and the doppler, turned it on and searched..

My heartbeat came right away..and then she moved. Mine again..then..again, just mine..she said sometimes at 12 wks its hard to tell and so an ultrasound will show the heartbeat and baby since sometimes the little one is just further back inside me. Chris' face still looked so excited and expectant..which killed me inside. Becuase by this time I already felt this pit in my stomach and the tears started to flow almost uncontrollably..She called for the ultrasound machine, searched on my belly and the picture became visable..I knew instantly...

I had searched and seen what felt like hundreds of 12 wk ultrasound pictures and videos and I knew by this time we should see the baby moving around and it would look like a baby, with a cute little profile and everything. And the images infront of us showed a baby smaller and less defined than I knew it should have been, and no movement at all. I couldn't see the heart flicker or pumping like before..we heard nothing..our precious baby had already gone to be with Jesus last Wednesday at 11 wks 4 days...s/he was just...sleeping it looked like..

Chris continued to pray over me right there in the doctors office, we prayed and asked God to please just wake him up...wake up our child..let him turn over so we can see what we yearned to see. Another doctor came in to verify with an internal ultrasound..by now this was the 3rd one we had that day..and we knew that was it...it was all over and yet just beginning something new all at the same time..our baby left us last week and yet I felt as if it had just been taken from me in the last hour..

The doctors left us alone for a while..I felt nothing in that room but despair. Loss. Such sadness. We cried together, we prayed and fell silent. After, I was sent for bloodwork and to pick up prescriptions for the procedure I was to have done the next morning to remove the pregnancy. After 3 hours of being at Kaiser we were finally able to go home...family and friends came over to offer support and buy us dinner. I was surprisingly...strong and at peace almost...I know that only God could do that at a time like this.

The next morning I woke up around 4:15 am with extremely painful cramping for over an hour and thought my body might be doing what it needed to on its own finally but after a while they stopped and I tried to go back to sleep until the alarm was to go off. I took the valium at 8:30 as instructed and before I knew it we were off to kaiser for a D&C My mom and step dad were there waiting for us. I was so drowsy but painfully aware of what was going on..praying in my heart for God to please be with us now more than ever.. we checked in..prayed and I gave Chris one last kiss and went back to the room alone. I wanted to do it alone. I felt okay to do it alone and didn't want to put anyone else through the procedure too as I knew I would be awake..

I wont go into detail with the procedure at all. I'll only say it was me, the doctor and the sweetest, strongest nurse with me in the room..I will never forget the pain or procedure...I will never forget laying there as the doctor started..and me telling my baby how sorry I was..how much I loved and missed him/her...how sorry I was mommy couldn't protect him/her and how much I promised, I promise I will love you forever.. I know it wasn't my fault..I know the miscarriage was a result of nothing I did at all...but sometimes I just cant help it..it felt like forever..I had my iPod in and tried to listen to worship during it all..then finally..it was over

We were finally able to leave...I was still in a lot of pain for a few hours after the procedure, even with an extra shot of pain medication before we left Kaiser..Chris, my mom, step dad and sister were all with me the rest of the day and I thank God for their support. My mom is amazing..so caring and such a giver..and my sister and step-dad are an awesome support. My dad also came by and visited.. And Chris, my amazing husband...he is taking such good care of me..even through dealing with all of this in a way only he can, he also has to take care of his wife...and he is doing amazing. Trials like this show me who he really is..what he is truly made of..I could not do this without him..the love I am have for him just grows deeper each second and I know together..we can get through this.

In those past two days I felt strong. I felt peace. I even smiled a few times and talked to people. The kind words, support, love and prayers we have received via email, text, facebook, and calls has just been so, so amazing. We are so grateful for it all..truly..I can feel the prayers working..

I know it will take time to heal..even past the physical. I know some days will be harder than others. I know it's okay to be broken and sad and even angry..but I also know we serve a big God. A God who loves us deeply..a God who has not left us. I don't know why after struggling to get pregnant we finally do only to have it taken from us...for us to only to be put through the most painful experience emotionally and physically I have ever been through..why? I don't know why..why did we testified to the miracle of this pregnancy in front of our entire churn only to now have to explain the loss.. I don't know..I feel so lost and heartbroken.

But I have to trust...we have to trust and find comfort in His plan. Jesus guide us. I know you are here..I can't figure any of this out..and I know you know how much we stepped out in faith and wanted this baby...so for now..just sit with us..we still love you with all our hearts..

Lord, in the meantime..take care of our precious baby...tell him/her about mama and daddy..we love you baby Avila...we have always loved you..I knew you in my dreams. We will always love you..find joy my little one as you lay with Jesus..we will see you one day my love...mama loves you..

" And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of ages."-Matthew 28:20

We do not lose faith or hope. We do not grow bitter or distant. We trust in you Oh God..guide us through this time, bless those who have been there for us. Heal our hearts, minds, bodies and spirits..grieve with us and lead us to peace and joy once again. Oh Jesus..wrap us in your loving arms. Hold us as we sleep..let us grow closer together and let us not grow too weary. God heal us. Mend us. Give us wisdom and strengthen our minds against the enemy. And most of all..we Praise you for who you are. We worship you still..with heavy hearts and tear filled eyes..we still rejoice in the fact that you are GOOD. You have not left us..and we just ask that you remain at the center. We love you Lord..We Love You.