week 16

 

...no cravings still..

...yes still loving the ice water...

...baby is now the size of an avocado or about 4 inches long!...

...I cannot stand the smell of popcorn-can't do it. nope...

{i just heard thunder outside..lost my train of thought..i hate thunder!}

...anyway...

...nope...lost it....

 

 

 

 

These last couple of weeks I have really been allowing myself to feel pregnant in every sense, including mentally and emotionally. I think with the previous losses last year and just the anxiousness and worry that comes along with a normal pregnancy alone-it all held me back a little bit. I will say though that I was never fearful this time around-not really...no...

 

While losing two pregnancies and ultimately two babies months a part in one year was enough to make me think its time to "take a break" and more than enough to truly terrify me of another pregnancy. But once I realized I was pregnant this year in June.....I wasn't afraid. I think going through those losses helped me to realize just how sovereign God is and how much things are just not in my hands. Now-I'm not going to say "God allows this or that" or "he lets this or that happen yadda yadda"-I am not God, how would I know? But I do know that no matter what ends up happening-God is above it all, he is in control. He knows my heart and desires and he loves me deeply. He has Chris and I in the palm of his hands and while the losses were the worst times in my life-they didn't last for forever. I miss by babies and wonder what could have been sometimes-but I know that if they aren't with me-the fact that they are in Jesus' arms comfort me none the less. And really-we made it out okay and our faith was stronger after each experience...somehow this time around too I knew *if*....IF......if sometheing were to happen, yes my heart would hurt but eventually we would be alright. I begged God to let us have this baby..I pleaded with him...I cried out to him with each little cramp I had...I wasn't expecting to lose this one like I thought I would-I just really really wanted to have a long and healthy pregnancy. I wanted to bring a baby home. I wanted that empty guest room to finally be a nursery. I wanted to hold my child. So while I had no fear and I knew God had already given me this miracle; I decided I would enjoy this for however long it lasts. I would tell myself, "today you are pregnant, and today you love your baby."  I was. And I did.

 

I know for some people this all may sound dramatic or even a little jaded or hint of cynicism-but being pregnant after losses is not a cake walk people. However-and this is a BIG however-my relationship with Christ has never been more important to me and I know God has pulled me through and above the fear, worry & anxiety that would have probably clouded my pregnancy (normally). He had mercy on my nerves and showed grace to my heart...and so I chose to finally recieve it and celebrate this baby and this pregnacy.

 

So I am sorry if I post too many "bump" pictures or if your news feed is clogged with "baby" this or "craving" that--this is just a true and evident miracle in my life and I want to shout it to the world! To God be the Glory and thank you to my husband for being an amazing partner in this journey already...

 

I know me getting sick, not being able to eat much, losing weight, hating the smell of his beloved late night snack (popcorn) and the irritability (alredady) hasn't been easy on me or Chris--but he's been pretty darn great thus far and I love you babe...  Do I sometimes just want to punch you "accidentally" as you slumber away perfectly while I lay awake at night with heartburn & acid reflux tossing and turning? Suuuurrre.....sometimes. BUT-I don't. Because I love you. Because I am grateful for you. And because you probably wouldn't wake up anyway...

 

Anyway..

 

So here is to 16 weeks so far of a healthy pregnancy! Baby is doing great and soon enough we will know whether this little bambino is a boy or girl!!

 

 

Caught off guard. Taken by surprise. Shocked.

These are all the things I felt when I discovered I was infact pregnant in early June...I usually like to make a long story longer :) But for privacy's sake I will make this one short....

After going through two losses last year, Chris and I decided to take a break from trying for another baby..for personal reasons we felt this was just the right decision. As bittersweet as it was to make that decision. To be so close to becoming parents and then it all going away...it was not the easiest-but we committed our plans to God. I surrendered...struggled a little..and then God took over. We had peace and knew the Lord was with us..

In the meantime I met with doctors, got a new eating plan (paleo diet), was put on certain suppliments and taken off certain other medications..my body was being encouraged to correct itself with the help of these things. I cannot begin to describe the transformation my body had made it was awesome...to go from 6 migraines a month to none was immeasurable and other things that started to fall in line which also affected fertility-the proof was in the pudding-or rather in the paleo :)

Now more than ever, I truly believe that God know's my own heart even better than I do. He see's those deep desires and my strong will and softens my spirit. He know's me like no other. His blessings and rebukes speak to exactly what I need. So on that afternoon of July 7th when I realized Chris and I were expecting-expecting a baby...pregnant......I was shocked. At this point we had not been trying for a baby but trying to naturally keep our plan a float...but it seemed God had other plans.

After early doctors appointments, first trimester screenings and ultrasounds...nervous moments and months of being really, really sick, hearing our baby's heartbeat and waiting a little... it's now time to share the wonderful news! Our little family is growing as we take in each breath. With ever beat my heart takes, my child is alive and well and I am so humbled and grateful. My heart is so happy

 A friend of ours told us, "God searched the whole world and knew that you were the perfect couple to raise this child for such a time as this." and you know what...more and more I believe that very statement. God is so faithful. He has such perfect plans and timing even beyond what we can comprehend. So....I'm just going to receive it! We are blessed beyond words...elated and excited. Thank you to those of you who have been praying for us for so long and continue to keep us lifted...we know prayer works and we feel them!! We love you all....and we are so, so grateful..Blessings!

Can't wait to meet our little love bug!

xo

Kris

I'm content with the way things are. I want to be pregnant again. I'm nervous to get pregnant again. I wish I was pregnant as we speak, big bump and all. On and on it goes in my mind. For the most part lately I have been pretty content.


I know God is working on me still...but man...some days are just heavier than others mentally and emotionally. I was walking through the grocery store Saturday..browsing each aisle to make sure I didn't miss anything and along the way I pass three different pregnant women, 2 couples with babies and one of the little ones...oh he was just beautiful. And there somewhere between trying to decide between Hefty or Ziplock  sandwich bags I caved...just caved.

I lost it. Right there. Just cried my eyes out for a minute or two. And I think God afforded me that moment because maybe He saw my heart, still sensitive to the blairing reminders that I am no longer pregnant. He afforded me that moment alone to let it out, right there in FoodMaxx..the store was packed with busy shoppers on that Saturday..but for those few minutes, He let me be alone. No one came down the aisle, not even to pass by rather than walk through. Its those little moments of grace that I feel God in my life even more these days...

Right now, as I type, Chris is on his iPad on the other couch here in our livingroom youtubing The Godkinz cover The Jonas Brothers' song "a little bit longer". And again, the tears start. It's sort of voicing what I have been feeling, "a little bit longer, and I'll be fine" So I know, I will be fine. I have been fine for the most part. I know, I know...that "technically" isn't a state of anything being "fine". You can say that you are "fine" but really......fine?

Honestly, I am finding contentment and happiness in where God has me. Has us. His plan is perfect. He see's things we cannot. He is God. And having faith in God, also means having faith and trust in His timing. I can't not trust Him. My world would fall a part with out Jesus at the center...completely. Because I have fallen a part, but in my weakness He has been made so strong. I know some people think/say that, "you will never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have." And while this may be true...very true. I have to add...in my weakness, was when I realized just how strong God is...and in that, He gave me strength I could not have on my own. I mean every bit of that. So, sometimes..my desire for what I once had versus my desire to be happy in where I currently am are often one in the same. But I do realize what a blessing it is to still have this life I have. To have my husband and my health. To have had what time we did have with our first pregnancy & baby and the memories and ministering thate has come since all of this..so...my heart is trying to play catch up, I know...

Even though I cannot control my surroundings or other peoples lives. I mean hello, other people in the world WILL get pregnant, will have those announcements, will have babies etc, it can't change my heart or faith or mentality. I am human, I have feelings. I am a woman. I feel those feelings maybe a little too long or too hard...sue me. :)  I guess I just wanted to share all this just to say: it's okay to be human and have feelings and give yourself time to go through the process of healing and recovering from a loss (of any kind). But there does come a time where we allow God to extend His grace-and then times where we buck up, take our thoughts captive and press on.

I just thank God everyday that He loves me like He does, because He is so good to me. He gives me strength I need. He gives me grace when I need it. He just knows me so well.....

I ended up drying my eyes....getting the Ziplock lunch bags, praised the gorgeous little baby boy and his big brown eyes, and walked out of there...just as whole as I walked in :)

xoxo

(the song I mentioned in my blog. beautifully covered in this "raw session")

That's what I said as tears flowed down my face this past Saturday..God..."You saved me..."

I meant it in the "right now" sense as far as what Chris and I had gone through with our loss...I gave my life to Christ when I was 12 so I have been "saved" by grace ever since. Saturday though, I meant that God saved me from..well, let me explain..

In working through all the feelings, emotions and physical and mental growth and recovery that comes from losing a pregnancy/baby..I had read countless stories, posts and received emailes of women who just were so lost along with everything else. The depression and grief were just too strong and thus they felt so helpless, hopeless, weak and broken. I was so scared I would somehow end up so wrapped up in all of it that I wouldn't be able to get out. Nothing goes back to normal right away, its natural for things to take some time. But in my reading, research and inquiring posts on message boards, I learned all too well of the pit that waits if we cannot somehow find the strength to..well, be strong. I mean really, in times like that..you are just so desperate to feel in just the tiniest bit of control and hope that the strength you need so badly will soon come..

I remember..in the first couple of weeks, in going to the appointment and finding out we had lost our baby, in just a couple hours after that having to schedule the procedure and then in the days we took to just "be"..I absolutely hated my humanness. Because in that, in my humanness I was acutely aware of the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do.

Nothing.

In my circumstance-in that very moment Chris and I were left alone in the doctors office to just take a few minutes to ourselves before we had to make any decisions. You could just feel the rawness of emotion and even in that sadness, I felt held. Jesus was there with us, holding us and mourning with us. That was the only moment in my entire life that my heart was broken. But I still felt God there..

And in the events that were to follow and the weeks that were to come, we had to put one foot infront of the other and move forward. I felt though, in getting up and getting ready for work..in planning things each weekend and waking each day..some how, I felt like I was doing my baby an injustice. But through my husband, a friend of ours (Natalie Valdez, love you girl!)..and God..they all helped me realize that this was necessary and God was with us. We will never forget that pregnancy and our first baby, we just can't. But with God, we can still honor her--but also start to live life again, try for a baby again, be excited for other people's pregnancies and baby announcements and baby showers again. (now, most of this pertains to me but..you get what I'm trying to say) I think for me, it was harder #1) because I am emotional by nature as a woman..and #2) it was my body that had begun to change and take the shape necessary to take care of the little life inside me..and it was my body that also had to endure everything that came along with no longer being pregnant..and with the recovery. All of that was just a constant reminder for me, and different from the way in which Chris was handling things. And that's okay, thats normal...we are both healing and still, getting better each day.

Yes, some days certain things still sting..I stare at pregnant women some days and others I just bounce my eyes. Certain songs or poems I hear or see grip me like they wouldn't have before. But what I want to get across, and make clear..is that with God, all of this is easier. Easy in the sense that its doable. Moving forward is possible. Having a healed heart, being able to again, find joy in things that would otherwise hurt my heart because of my loss..its all possible with God. I realized that early on..as Chris and I would tell eachother constantly, that God is the same. He is still God. Like he was when we got pregnant. Like He was when the world was right..the world isn't dark and wrong now as far as "our" lives went. And yes, I sat there for hours sometimes in my prayer time just telling God, "you can step in, you can change all of this, you can save us from this." And I all of a sudden realized one day, He could have.

He very well and certainly could do anything. But he didn't. And nothing in me ever felt like God "did this to us" or even "let it happen" to teach us a lesson or build our faith or even punish us. That is not my God. I read in one book that one nurse told the author when she had lost her baby that, "we live in a fallen world"..and we do. This world is not perfect, it isn't even meant for us. Our loss just..happened..and instead our precious baby was born straight into heaven..how amazing. God has His hand over it all, and we trust Him. So when the world says I should expect to feel depressed, sad for months after and still grieve for months to years, that this may cause discord in the marriage, that I will be too emotional to work right or be involved with friends and activities. That this will always be a scar on my heart and in my memory and will make me tense or scared with the next pregancy. I can turn to God's word and hear, " Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers^[a] of this world, rather than from Christ." Col. 2:8 All of those worldly thoughts are carnal and not of God. Because God says that we, "...use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. ⁵ We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."-2 Cor 10:4-5. These weapons only come from using His word to guard and battle with our minds and hearts..when we want to just sit in the sorrow, God's Word reminds us that He has a perfect plan for our lives of fullness and plans to prosper us and not harm or hurt us (Jer 29:11).

And that's what I set to do, it's what I have been working on. To get my mind and heart aligned with God's and be okay with being happy again. Prayer and God's word not only kept me afloat during our loss, now they are ushering me forward with a heart that is healing...better that what the World said could happenor how it could happen or when. And I am just so grateful to God. That he carried us. He continues to carry us...we will not forget our first little love Isa, but we can have joy and peace again and have no guilt or sadness in even thinking about trying for another baby. Because God does intend for us to be his hands and feet in this world, and to live a life of fullness, joy, purpose and to have sound minds in Him. Choosing Christ was the best decision I ever made..he has saved me in every way....

Saved me from eternal pain both after my life ends and while I am still living it..I am not only saved by grace and faith to be able to spend eternity in heaven (Eph 2:8). But also saved in that he rescued me from the depression or fear or sorrow or hard heart I could have easily had if He was not with me. I don't know how I would have done any of this without God and I give Him all the Glory..all of it. On my own I am weak and broken but with Christ I can be whole and filled again! And He is always, always with me..

^"38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:38-39

"And be sure of this; I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matt. 28:20

So, I am happy..I am. I miss my baby everyday..but I remember the pregnancy fondly..I thank God for the little time I had with her..and the short while I carried her, even though it was a tough pregnancy..I loved it still. I will forever love my child..and until I can hold her; Heaven will. She is forever in our hearts..and I hope someday soon, we will be able to giver her a brother or sister...Chris and I are excited to be able to try again in the fall...and we trust completely that God see's things we cannot. He is on the throne, in Heaven..and He see's us. He loves us deeply. He has not changed.

You saved me, Jesus...you saved me..I see the sunlight..I love you...I feel you and I love you...I exalt you God. All I can say is thank you..and I will exalt you..you are my God...

The night before our 12 wk appointment, I had a dream that in the appointment they told us we were having a girl. When I woke up the next morning...I was a little perplexed. I knew it was just a dream and that at a 12 week appointment that is just too soon to learn the sex of the baby.Either way, it made me smile and I took it for what it was...a dream.

Flash forward to 2:00 pm that Tuesday afternoon and we find that we lost our baby and the chaos ensues. That night, I had no dream...I dont even remember sleeping, I was too nervous for the next morning...


That next morning, Wednesday, was the procedure and that night, I dreamt of a baby girl. She was an infant. She was all bundled up in pink onesie-long sleeve pajama's with the little feetsie bottoms, asleep and as peacful as ever. We were sitting in the bedroom and then I hand her off to Chris, he takes her into the living room where friends and family are, we all hang out...she wakes and I even nurse her (something I have obviously never done in real life). It was so surreal, so strange and so amazing all at the same time. But for some reason...I never caught a real glimpse of her little face. I remember gazing at her in my dream, just staring in awe at this baby girl..and yet when I woke..for the LIFE of me, I couldn't remember her face..but it was still an amazing dream. I didn't feel tortured by it, but rather somewhat comforted.

The next night, Thursday night...another dream. Only this time, she was a toddler. I'd say about 11 months or so. Running around all cute! In my dream, we were at this big event and Chris had just finished speaking and I was back stage with our daughter..she was dancing and running in circles, wearing jeans, gold ballet flats and a bright pink hoodie. She had short wavy/curly brown hair with a cute little flower clip holding her hair out of her face, just off to the side. Chris comes running down the corridor and swoops her up, you know-the way you do when you swing the child in the air and make them squeal with shear panic and joy! :)

He held her as we talked to other people backstage...she twirled her hair with her little fingers and giggled incessantly as daddy tickled her in between laughing with friends and conversing. But again, sadly I woke up and it was over. And again...I could not make out or remember her face. It was like that movie, Inception. Where his kids are there yet he cannot make out their faces but he knows his children. And she knew me...she knew my voice..she loved her daddy and just adored him...it was the best dream...and in that dream she had a name...

And her name, was Isabel.

We called her "Isa" for short sometimes, I remember that..but Isabel altogether.

Isabel.

When I was pregnant, Chris and I talked about names we liked and this one never really came up..In going through the loss, procedure and what was to follow, Chris had told me that in that time, he had prayed to  God, that He would help us with some identity for the baby we lost.. anything. But I had the dream about the doctor telling us we were having a girl before Chris prayed any of this...but after his prayers...in my dreams I had her for a while..and her name, her name was Isabel. I didn't tell Chris about any of this until the week after the loss...I think I still needed time to process it all and make sure I wasn't going crazy! Now, people may think I am insane or just too wrapped up still in the loss..but let me tell you. I know within my heart..that God heard our cries in the middle of our pain and answered that prayer. Yes, I think God can do this..and I know He did..without a shadow of a doubt, I believe that God not only let us know our baby was a girl...but He loved us enough to go one step further..and He named her.

Back to Friday of that week, Chris and I went to Half Moon Bay and dedicated and released "Baby Avila" to Christ and had our day together. It was a great day..we needed that. Then, the next day, before I knew it--I woke up..and realized..no dream. I hadn't had another, and I haven't had another since then. But when I stop, and think..about the dreams, about the timing..about it all. I smile. My heart smiles. It gives me such peace. I long for another dream like the ones I had that week, but I think God gave me all that I needed. He settled my heart about knowing my child since we never got to meet her and he answered Chris' prayers too..and this meant the world to him. To both of us.

I decided to make a short scrapbook for her of what we had so far through the pregnancy...pictures of the positive home pregnancy tests, of the little bump I had so far and of the two ultrasound pictures we had. Pictures of each of us and of the day we dedicated her at the beach, and journal entries I had so far about the pregnancy. It's not a lot as far as quantity..but when I think about how much it all meant to us..I can't just throw it all away or shove it in a box. We have a baby...and though she is not in our arms, she is forever in our hearts..and we are already mom & dad, just to an angel baby.

Since telling Chris, we have both found peace and joy in this :) I thought it would be nice to give her a full name..and so, upon Chris' approval, her middle name is Justine. It's my mom's middle name and then it was given to me as my middle name..and so, Isabel Justine...

"Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you.  Before you saw the light of day, I had Holy plans for you..."-Jeremiah 1:5 (The Message)

Isabel Justine Avila

I like it. Thank you God, for allowing me to have a husband who would even think to pray for this..and thank you for loving us enough..to do this for us..we love you Lord. We are grateful. God is just so good to us. :) We love you Isa...xoxo

Psalm 91

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
³ Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
⁹ If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
¹⁴ “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

I have to be honest..in working through this I did still find some day to still be so hard..and while I had set my baby in the hands of Jesus..and we dedicated her to Christ..I still felt the emptiness.

It amazes me how immediate, deep and overflowing..the love I have for my child. I didn't even meet her face to face and yet how much I miss her..I can't even explain. But I know she is in heaven, resting with The King of Kings..the one who comforts mommy & daddy..and in heaven..she is also there with her Grandma (Chris' mom) & Grandpa (my dad's dad) :)

Currently, the doctor thinks I have finally finished miscarrying...my body should start to go back to normal and soon it will all seem better. Right now though, I know my hormones are the biggest battle. I was told, I could feel deep sadness and even slight depression, simply due to the hormonal imbalance and shift that comes when the body tries to stabalize the hormones after the loss...

Even after the loss, my body still thought I was pregnant..I actually had to have a procedure to dialate me and pills to induce contractions..the physical aspect was just..painful and now with all of that done for good I hope..I am left to recover not only physically, but emotionally and even mentally.

I am not here to...dwell on the pain, though..because God's word says I AM made whole. And no matter what the doctors say..I dont want to live my days expecting more pain and sadness or even depression, I dont claim any of this for me. I will not have it. Because I know God has called my body to wholeness and he has begun a work He intends to finish. I know that my beautiful baby is in heaven and in the presence of our Saviour...How amazing is it..that she felt no pain and even looked as if she was sleeping in her last ultrasound. And even though she was with us for 11 short weeks..she is now in eternity in the presence of angels and our Heavenly Father..what a comfort to know that not only did the pregnancy boost our faith and the faith of others, but while she is there in heaven..her little life is still touching others.

I have had women message me that they too have had losses..and one, even after almost four years and having a son who is now 3 1/2..she had not dealt with the loss, and since reading the blog, and how we have taken steps to try to honor God through all this and honor the short life of our first baby..she has been able to find comfort and peace finally.. Praise God...Praise you Lord....

You see, in the toughest times..we try to reason "why"...and I can say, that even if I had some solid or spiritual reasoning as to why we have had to endure this...it will not change what has happened, nor will it change the fact that we still LOVE our God..or the fact that we still want children..

So when I am told, to expect pain both in the physical and emotional..to expect feelings of depression...I nod and take a deep breath. I realize what this world has to say regarding what to expect with the loss..thats fine. But I serve a God who said He would be with me..near to me and comfort me.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"-Psalm 34:18

A God who's Word says He was wounded and broken so that I may be made whole. A God who's scars will heal mine..and who said He is here to heal us..because He is the only potter to fix what has been broken..

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"-Psalm 147:3

He is with us even in our deepest need..we are NEVER alone..

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."-Isaiah 43:2

And be sure of this; I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matthew 28:20

And not only will he be with us..in our pain and time of great need..He will deliver and protect us..


"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but God delivers Him out of them all."-Psalm 34:19

"Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you and you will honor me."-Psalm 50:22


So even though the World says to continue to expect pain, God said He would heal me. And I can trust His Word..

"For no Word from God will ever fail."-Luke 1:37

And after all this.. God continues to show us His unfailing love..a love we cannot earn but one He freely gives. Not only does he lay with us and weep when we weep..and hurt when we hurt..He delivers and protects us..He comforts us..and is allows us to put all of us in Him

"And so Lord, where do I put hope? My only hope is in you."-Psalm 39:7

He refines us..He purifies us..

"These trials are only to test your faith.. It's (faith) being tested as fire tests and purifies gold...." 1 Peter 1:7

And then...we come out, stronger that ever..


God gives power to the faint and strengthens the powerless. But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."-Isaiah 40:29-31

That is the God we serve. He loves us deeply..He never leaves us..I am beyond grateful, that this is the kind of God we have..

God in Heaven...we recognize today that you are still on the throne. You are above all else, you see things in ways we cannot and we bring Glory to you Father. In our deepest need, God-rescue us from the waters we see no way out of. Change our hearts and minds God to the things of YOU. We love you Lord..We worship you..You alone are God. We trust you..we declare healing over us, physically, mentally and emotionally...we know you are here God so help us to draw near to you..we yearn to feel you Jesus. Wrap us in your mighty arms of love and hold us as we weep. Then, God...renew our joy once again..bring your Holy Spirit to move upon us..so that we may move on behalf of you. Continue to show us your Will while we wait on you.

Jesus I thank you right now..for the babies you have for us..ready for us to love and kiss and hold. I thank you for the children to come, that they are healthy and strong. Thank you that you see them now and they are blessed and healthy..that the conception will be perfect and whole..your works are wonderful God and there are many more to come--your hand does not fail or miss..you have formed their every part and your works are perfect..your righteousness and perfection prevail beyond the pain. You make no mistake God, we trust you and know that in our weakness, you are made strong and so we reside in you. We thank you for all the blessings we have God, including eachother..and most of all God..we thank you..that we still have you...and you are so Good..

^"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart. I am so pleased that you have continued on in this with us, believing and proclaiming God's Message, from the day you heard it right up to the present. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears."-Philippians 1:3-6 (the message)

again the same verse in a different translation..

"I thank my God every time I remember you."-Phil 1:3 (NIV)

I love my husband...

Reasons I love this man:

He loves God with all his heart, and me second. And he loved me enough to ask if we'd share life together forever. And on 2.23.08 he said "I do". He has a heart for others.

He has a heart for me. He has a heart that's after God's.

He loves kids. He loves sports (the same teams!). Always compliments my cooking.

He prays with and for me every night before bed, and if I have already fallen asleep, he prays for me while I sleep. He doesn't let me be weak or feel sorry for myself. He works hard for us. He has great faith. He was there to kneel with me before God when we were faced with infertility.

He prayed over my belly before we were pregnant. He prayed over our baby while we were pregnant.

He had the faith I couldn't sometimes.

He read all his daddy-to-be books right away..and researched doulas and midwives :)

He bought me popsicles and cucumbers when the nausea wouldn't let me eat much else.

He danced along to the "flash mob" commercial to cheer me up. And tried to bust through the door when I was throwing up, just to "be there" for me!

He came to every dr's appt. He filmed our baby's hearbeat..he praised God in the good, and in the bad.

He kept our faith even after the dr's told us our baby was gone..He let himself cry & grieve..and still stayed strong for me. He praised my strength, and asked how I did it? He is so unaware, of the pillar he is for me.

He stood by me and opened up, rather than shut down and turn around. He prayed over and dedicated our baby beside me, to Jesus. He stayed. He stayed.

He stayed by me.

He smiles and melts every part of me. He prays and I feel God so strong. He serves me. He loves me. He leads me.

He leads me.

I love him. I respect him.

Right now.

I honor Him.

He is the best thing that has ever happened to me (besides Jesus of course)...I cannot imagine my life without Chris. I just can't...I would have no idea how to be without him. Through out all that has gone on these last few weeks..and how up and down this has all been..He is..amazing. Stronger than he thinks, thats for sure. It's amazing, how he underestimates his ability in times like these...I know he isnt aware of the man he is sometimes, but I do.

I love his humility. I think..yea, that was one of the things that first attracted me to him. In a crowd of people or just a few, he just has this presence. He is funny, smart, clever, engaging, and did I mention funny? The guy is hilarious. Ask anyone. And yet..with such a personality and gifts, he remains so humble about himself. Seriously? Do you know who you are? And yea, he does.

He is so clear in his convictions and truths. He is so grounded in God and committed in and to his faith..he encourages me every day. Without even saying a word..he can do that to me.

I guess I just wanted to take a second to just recognize him.You see, with the loss of our first baby..the procedure and the bumps along the way since then, a lot of the focus has been on me. And while I appreciate the love, support, encouragement and prayers...and I know concern is always foremost placed on the woman, as it is she who is physically affected by this. My only concern is him. All I could think about was him. I prayed for him every night and throughout the day, when I cried, some tears were reserved for him..God please heal my husband too. He himself put so much into making sure I was okay, comfortable and taken care of, before having any concern for himself, he thought of me. That's just the kind of guy he is. 6'1 and a huge heart to match. He is so great.

I thank those who took the time to message, txt or call Chris..just for Chris. Because in one way or another, it is also very much about him. My love..my sweet, loving husband. I never, ever, ever want to see him hurt. If I could spare him from any pain I would. If I had the power to remove any pain from his life I would. I would do anything for this man, and I know he'd do the same for me.

You see, before I even thought about marriage or anything like that, I did pray. I prayed that God would hand pick the man He would have for me. Please God let him be cute :) Latino, love kids and all my favorite sports teams (I could not marry a Dodger fan, no offense, its just the "Giants" in me) ;) Let him dance well, cook semi-good and have a smile that shoots straight through me. And above all, let him love you. Let him love you, so that he knows how to love me...

Not only did I get the man of my "dreams", I got the man I prayed for. God went above and beyond anything I could have even thought to pray for. Not only did he give me what I wanted..in ways I didn't even know, he gave me exactly the man I needed. In every way I need him. I can trust him. I can fall back on him. I can be lead by him. And he is, the most wonderful husband. I am too blessed..I dont know what I ever did to deserve Chris. And when I think of him-I smile. And I thank God.

I love you Chris. With everything that I am. And I thank you for being who you are. I dont even think that even you know all that you have done for me or all the goodness you possess, but today. In this small way, I recognize you. I honor you babe..I thank you from the bottom of my heart..for who you are. You are my life partner, my lead, my best friend, my heart. I love you. I love you.

I love you...

 I post regularly on message boards on this website called TheBump.com. There, I would post on Trying To Get Pregnant or Trouble Trying To Conceive..then I moved to 1st Trimester and January 2012 Mom's Board...I have since moved to the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss Board and eventually will also post on Trying to Conceive After a Loss...

The boards are a great place to ask questions, opinions and offer or receive great support from women all over..I decided to check my "inbox" on TheBump and I received two messages this past week from two Jan 2012 mom's...one bumpie (thats what we call other posters :) She sent me this poem and a message of condolences, in the subject line of her message it read, "This is for you", it was...it touched me, of course I cried..but it's just beautiful...thank you Saralu82! I deeply appreciate this..:

I thought of you and closed my eyes,

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a Mother,

And I know I heard him say:

A mother has a baby,

This we know is true.

But, God, can you be a mother,

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied,

With confidence in his voice.

I give many women babies,

When they leave is not thier choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb,

But theres no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God

I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared his throat,

And then I saw a tear.

I wish that I could show you,

What your child is doing today,

If you could see your child smile,

With other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons,

Of love and life and fear.

My mommy loved me oh so much,

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom,

Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear.

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one,

Your children are Ok.

Your babies are here in My home,

They'll be at heavens gate for you.

So now you see what makes a mother.

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,

Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,

until their time is done.

They'll be up here with Me one day,

And you'll know that you're the best one!

~Author Unknown

Let me just say..the road to getting pregnant was a bit tough (many of you know our journey here) and now this pregnancy has been..well, tough. All around tough, mentally, physically especially...hard on me, hard on Chris..hard on our lil doggie as I have zero time or energy for him most days.

Since week six I have had terrible nausea and vomiting along with difficulty swallowing and digesting. For the nausea and vomiting I was prescribed three different medications over the course of about 9 days before we figured out that one finally worked, Zofran. For the most part this little yellow pill works awesome. Now, I, like a lot of other pregnant women am hesitant about taking medications and wondering how it will affect the baby and all...but this was proven safe and it works so, bottoms up.

It really does help with the nausea and most of the vomiting..however..with the increased difficulty in swallowing and digesting my food, I do, daily now get sick. I cant keep much down that isnt mush and I know I just can't be getting in the calories I need. I am getting sick of mashed potatoes, refried beans, cream of wheat and cream-of-whatever soups. Eating is no longer enjoyable for me and I even cringe and tear up at the thought of eating. For example, this morning I attempted to eat a cup and a quarter of honey nut cheerios and milk..even letting them get soggy. After eating, I could feel it just sitting in my throat/chest..four hours later I felt some of it finally go down. Four hours to completely swallow and let a cup and a quarter of cereal go down...beyond frustrating.

I dont know many women who have had this "symptom" during pregnancy and for my doctors to just write it off as such is hard for me. I worry about being well nourished and not wanting to lose any more weight, but deep down I know there isnt anything they can do..I do just have to wait this out and hope 2nd trimester brings some relief. A woman I met online on these message boards recommended a cook book for dysphagia (a condition that literally translates into 'difficulty swallowing'), not that I have been diagnosed with this, its just that its filled with recipes for soft things I can eat like scalloped potatoes, mango puree, smoothies and soups and more.

I really want to try to get it off Amazon.com and I pray I get some relief. If Baby Avila is good and healthy then I can suffer through this, no matter how down I can get...I just want a healthy little one. God grant me health and healing and protect my child..I have my second prenatal appointment next Tuesday and we get to hear the heart beat again..that will bring me some comfort! I know, "this too shall pass"..but in the mean time...could you pass the apple sauce? I would greatly appreciate any prayers at this point..for me, my husband as he deals with a moody frustrated HUNGRY wife..and for our baby..that s/he is getting all it needs from mama and is healthy as ever! Thank you!

Since about week seven or eight in my pregnancy it's been a little tough to sleep on my stomach. Now, I am a total tummy sleeper otherwise but with certain areas now being terribly achey and tender sleeping on my stomach only leads to me waking in tears from the pain. Feeling like I have been punched in the stomach the minute my alarm goes off just isn't what I want after a less than okay nights sleep. A few friends suggested getting a pregnancy pillow. I thought maybe it's a little too soon for that. But after trying to sleep with about six, yes SIX pillows and Chris left with about a quarter of the bed each night..we figured maybe I might as well get one now for both our sakes!

After a long day at work on Friday I come home and to my utter delight a huge Amazon box is sitting in then living room. I open it up and along with a cuter note and wrapped in this bright blue bag is my slumber's savior....a beautiful Serenity Star pillow! A friend of ours, Katie Coleman gifted me with this amazing pillow...

I nearly cried out of thankfulness to a friend and quite honestly...relief! I know, I know...I still have a long way to go, first trimester isn't even over yet and aomw women may think it's much to soon to "need" a pillow like this or at all..but you know what...I love it. I needed it. I'm grateful for it and for my lovely friend Katie. Such a sweetheart, supportive and just plain nice! Katie, you have given me some great nights of sleep and many more to come...ahhh, sweet dreams world :)

I am beyond thrilled that Chris and I are expecting our first baby! Let me see..well, honestly-thrilled, excited, nervous, scared (but a good scared!), anxious (already..I know...), happy, humbled and everything in between that is good! Chris and I had been tackling infertility for a short while as I had just been diagnosed in March (though I had the syndrome all my life) with PCOS...this is a severe hormonal imbalance where the cause is sadly unknown and yet it can cause an array of symptoms. The main issue with this is that I was not ovulating (producing an egg that could be fertilized). In the last month that we were waiting to see a specialist at an infertility clinic I ovulate! Each month I would go in for blood work 7 days past the day I thought I might have ovulated...just a couple days off and I would miss it even if I had. But in May...I thought maybe...so I went in, preparing for another negative result. A few days later my doctor emails me that I did infact ovulate which I was over the moon about. That alone was amazing! A week later...I was feeling off and asked Chris to bring home a pregnancy test...

I always thought I would tell him in this cute "you tube"-ish way and post the video etc...but...that went out the window, I was too anxious and to tired to run and get the test myself. He came home, hopped in the shower, I took the test and BAM! Two...TWO PINK LINES! The first (which is the one I was always missing) came up right away and then the second control line...it was getting darker and darker...we just laughed in shock...hugged...thanked God and sat on the couch not saying much else....incredible.

A few weeks later...we had our first appointment and to see that little heart to be fluttering away...just a little flicker, almost like a christmas light...and the to hear it! I heard my childs heartbeat...I still can't believe it...I mean I can but...you know :)

There's our lil bean...at 6 wks 5 days with a strong hb of 144 bpm...oh gosh...it's just amazing. I thank God every day for this blessing..I pray over this baby..we pray over this baby...mama sings to this baby...we are just two becoming three..my heart can only smile..

To read more about our journey through infertility/pcos/trying to conceive visit http://www.notbroken2011.blogspot.com/ I will forever hold this blog dear to my heart...it was a time in my life I wanted to embrace and pray through and let God use. The blog is active to look back on, but I do feel that with this pregnancy, God has in a way closed that door for us and we can move ahead and live life celebrating the blessing we have been given. PCOS/Infertility are never far from my mind and I champion the millions of women/couples struggling to conceive. Awareness is key, compassion & knowledge are vital. Thank you God for allowing us to be a part of the fight. And thank you for our blessing..our victory baby.