I wrote the back in April on my other (now retired) blog Not Broken (PCOS/Infertility/Life) and I heard this song just now on my Pandora "worship" station...I so needed this reminder...it softened my heart to the things God is doing in my life right now and the place I am now in. I know I have to find joy in everything..even some of THE most heartbreaking parts.

I definately have my moments of weakness...a few have come quite recently..but I still have hope. I still have faith and I still put my trust in the hands of my Saviour, Jesus Christ. God, be my strength...

If you want me to-Ginny Owens...

The pathway is broken/ And the signs are unclear /And I don't know the reason why/ You brought me here/ But just because You love me /the way that You do I'm gonna walk through the valley/ If You want me to

No I'm not who I was /When I took my first step/ And I'm clinging to the promise/ You're not through with me yet /So if all of these trials bring me closer to /You Then I will go through the fire /If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen /When You lead me through a world that's not my home /But You never said it would be easy /You only said I'll never go alone/ So when the whole world turns against me /And I'm all by myself And I can't hear You answer my cries for help/ I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through /And I will go through the darkness/ If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout /Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down /So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you /And I will walk through the valley if you want me to /Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

 

.......

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Psalm 23:4 "These trials are only to test your faith.. It's (faith) being tested as fire tests and purifies gold...." 1 Peter 1:7

I'm content with the way things are. I want to be pregnant again. I'm nervous to get pregnant again. I wish I was pregnant as we speak, big bump and all. On and on it goes in my mind. For the most part lately I have been pretty content.


I know God is working on me still...but man...some days are just heavier than others mentally and emotionally. I was walking through the grocery store Saturday..browsing each aisle to make sure I didn't miss anything and along the way I pass three different pregnant women, 2 couples with babies and one of the little ones...oh he was just beautiful. And there somewhere between trying to decide between Hefty or Ziplock  sandwich bags I caved...just caved.

I lost it. Right there. Just cried my eyes out for a minute or two. And I think God afforded me that moment because maybe He saw my heart, still sensitive to the blairing reminders that I am no longer pregnant. He afforded me that moment alone to let it out, right there in FoodMaxx..the store was packed with busy shoppers on that Saturday..but for those few minutes, He let me be alone. No one came down the aisle, not even to pass by rather than walk through. Its those little moments of grace that I feel God in my life even more these days...

Right now, as I type, Chris is on his iPad on the other couch here in our livingroom youtubing The Godkinz cover The Jonas Brothers' song "a little bit longer". And again, the tears start. It's sort of voicing what I have been feeling, "a little bit longer, and I'll be fine" So I know, I will be fine. I have been fine for the most part. I know, I know...that "technically" isn't a state of anything being "fine". You can say that you are "fine" but really......fine?

Honestly, I am finding contentment and happiness in where God has me. Has us. His plan is perfect. He see's things we cannot. He is God. And having faith in God, also means having faith and trust in His timing. I can't not trust Him. My world would fall a part with out Jesus at the center...completely. Because I have fallen a part, but in my weakness He has been made so strong. I know some people think/say that, "you will never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have." And while this may be true...very true. I have to add...in my weakness, was when I realized just how strong God is...and in that, He gave me strength I could not have on my own. I mean every bit of that. So, sometimes..my desire for what I once had versus my desire to be happy in where I currently am are often one in the same. But I do realize what a blessing it is to still have this life I have. To have my husband and my health. To have had what time we did have with our first pregnancy & baby and the memories and ministering thate has come since all of this..so...my heart is trying to play catch up, I know...

Even though I cannot control my surroundings or other peoples lives. I mean hello, other people in the world WILL get pregnant, will have those announcements, will have babies etc, it can't change my heart or faith or mentality. I am human, I have feelings. I am a woman. I feel those feelings maybe a little too long or too hard...sue me. :)  I guess I just wanted to share all this just to say: it's okay to be human and have feelings and give yourself time to go through the process of healing and recovering from a loss (of any kind). But there does come a time where we allow God to extend His grace-and then times where we buck up, take our thoughts captive and press on.

I just thank God everyday that He loves me like He does, because He is so good to me. He gives me strength I need. He gives me grace when I need it. He just knows me so well.....

I ended up drying my eyes....getting the Ziplock lunch bags, praised the gorgeous little baby boy and his big brown eyes, and walked out of there...just as whole as I walked in :)

xoxo

(the song I mentioned in my blog. beautifully covered in this "raw session")

That's what I said as tears flowed down my face this past Saturday..God..."You saved me..."

I meant it in the "right now" sense as far as what Chris and I had gone through with our loss...I gave my life to Christ when I was 12 so I have been "saved" by grace ever since. Saturday though, I meant that God saved me from..well, let me explain..

In working through all the feelings, emotions and physical and mental growth and recovery that comes from losing a pregnancy/baby..I had read countless stories, posts and received emailes of women who just were so lost along with everything else. The depression and grief were just too strong and thus they felt so helpless, hopeless, weak and broken. I was so scared I would somehow end up so wrapped up in all of it that I wouldn't be able to get out. Nothing goes back to normal right away, its natural for things to take some time. But in my reading, research and inquiring posts on message boards, I learned all too well of the pit that waits if we cannot somehow find the strength to..well, be strong. I mean really, in times like that..you are just so desperate to feel in just the tiniest bit of control and hope that the strength you need so badly will soon come..

I remember..in the first couple of weeks, in going to the appointment and finding out we had lost our baby, in just a couple hours after that having to schedule the procedure and then in the days we took to just "be"..I absolutely hated my humanness. Because in that, in my humanness I was acutely aware of the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do.

Nothing.

In my circumstance-in that very moment Chris and I were left alone in the doctors office to just take a few minutes to ourselves before we had to make any decisions. You could just feel the rawness of emotion and even in that sadness, I felt held. Jesus was there with us, holding us and mourning with us. That was the only moment in my entire life that my heart was broken. But I still felt God there..

And in the events that were to follow and the weeks that were to come, we had to put one foot infront of the other and move forward. I felt though, in getting up and getting ready for work..in planning things each weekend and waking each day..some how, I felt like I was doing my baby an injustice. But through my husband, a friend of ours (Natalie Valdez, love you girl!)..and God..they all helped me realize that this was necessary and God was with us. We will never forget that pregnancy and our first baby, we just can't. But with God, we can still honor her--but also start to live life again, try for a baby again, be excited for other people's pregnancies and baby announcements and baby showers again. (now, most of this pertains to me but..you get what I'm trying to say) I think for me, it was harder #1) because I am emotional by nature as a woman..and #2) it was my body that had begun to change and take the shape necessary to take care of the little life inside me..and it was my body that also had to endure everything that came along with no longer being pregnant..and with the recovery. All of that was just a constant reminder for me, and different from the way in which Chris was handling things. And that's okay, thats normal...we are both healing and still, getting better each day.

Yes, some days certain things still sting..I stare at pregnant women some days and others I just bounce my eyes. Certain songs or poems I hear or see grip me like they wouldn't have before. But what I want to get across, and make clear..is that with God, all of this is easier. Easy in the sense that its doable. Moving forward is possible. Having a healed heart, being able to again, find joy in things that would otherwise hurt my heart because of my loss..its all possible with God. I realized that early on..as Chris and I would tell eachother constantly, that God is the same. He is still God. Like he was when we got pregnant. Like He was when the world was right..the world isn't dark and wrong now as far as "our" lives went. And yes, I sat there for hours sometimes in my prayer time just telling God, "you can step in, you can change all of this, you can save us from this." And I all of a sudden realized one day, He could have.

He very well and certainly could do anything. But he didn't. And nothing in me ever felt like God "did this to us" or even "let it happen" to teach us a lesson or build our faith or even punish us. That is not my God. I read in one book that one nurse told the author when she had lost her baby that, "we live in a fallen world"..and we do. This world is not perfect, it isn't even meant for us. Our loss just..happened..and instead our precious baby was born straight into heaven..how amazing. God has His hand over it all, and we trust Him. So when the world says I should expect to feel depressed, sad for months after and still grieve for months to years, that this may cause discord in the marriage, that I will be too emotional to work right or be involved with friends and activities. That this will always be a scar on my heart and in my memory and will make me tense or scared with the next pregancy. I can turn to God's word and hear, " Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers^[a] of this world, rather than from Christ." Col. 2:8 All of those worldly thoughts are carnal and not of God. Because God says that we, "...use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. ⁵ We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."-2 Cor 10:4-5. These weapons only come from using His word to guard and battle with our minds and hearts..when we want to just sit in the sorrow, God's Word reminds us that He has a perfect plan for our lives of fullness and plans to prosper us and not harm or hurt us (Jer 29:11).

And that's what I set to do, it's what I have been working on. To get my mind and heart aligned with God's and be okay with being happy again. Prayer and God's word not only kept me afloat during our loss, now they are ushering me forward with a heart that is healing...better that what the World said could happenor how it could happen or when. And I am just so grateful to God. That he carried us. He continues to carry us...we will not forget our first little love Isa, but we can have joy and peace again and have no guilt or sadness in even thinking about trying for another baby. Because God does intend for us to be his hands and feet in this world, and to live a life of fullness, joy, purpose and to have sound minds in Him. Choosing Christ was the best decision I ever made..he has saved me in every way....

Saved me from eternal pain both after my life ends and while I am still living it..I am not only saved by grace and faith to be able to spend eternity in heaven (Eph 2:8). But also saved in that he rescued me from the depression or fear or sorrow or hard heart I could have easily had if He was not with me. I don't know how I would have done any of this without God and I give Him all the Glory..all of it. On my own I am weak and broken but with Christ I can be whole and filled again! And He is always, always with me..

^"38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:38-39

"And be sure of this; I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matt. 28:20

So, I am happy..I am. I miss my baby everyday..but I remember the pregnancy fondly..I thank God for the little time I had with her..and the short while I carried her, even though it was a tough pregnancy..I loved it still. I will forever love my child..and until I can hold her; Heaven will. She is forever in our hearts..and I hope someday soon, we will be able to giver her a brother or sister...Chris and I are excited to be able to try again in the fall...and we trust completely that God see's things we cannot. He is on the throne, in Heaven..and He see's us. He loves us deeply. He has not changed.

You saved me, Jesus...you saved me..I see the sunlight..I love you...I feel you and I love you...I exalt you God. All I can say is thank you..and I will exalt you..you are my God...

Lately I have had no urge to write..mostly because my mind has been working overtime and I can't quite sort everything out just yet..at least not in an eloquent way...

On top of other things though...a lot of my thoughts are on and with our friends, The Peralta Family. They lost their precious four year old son last weekend (I will leave the cause out of this post out of respect for the family, details aren't needed right now..) but it was sudden for sure...

 They had and were blessed by their beautiful son for four years. I couldn't imagine the pain they were going through..all I knew was that I wanted so badly to be there for them. To do SOMETHING for them..and while they were in another state dealing with all this..all we could do was pray. All any of us could do was pray. But I know, I know in my heart that prayer works..While this family is still dealing with all of this, and in some ways a lot has only just begun...please continue to pray.

And like us, if in any way you ask "what can we do?" #1) pray..earnestly and daily...God's heart is moved when His people cry out to Him, so petition for this family before our God. #2) If you feel like that still isnt enough (to you) and you want to help in any way..I have a way..

Their family has set up a donations fund for the family to deal with very expensive medical costs surrounding all of this. They have set up the Robert Solomon Peralta Memorial Fund.( Acct# 5635377517, Routing #121042882. It's thru Wells Fargo Bank, you can give in person at any Wells, or wire/transfer money from your bank to memorial acct, must give routing # OR you can email me at the email address on the blog avilastoryblog@yahoo.com to see where you can just send/mail a check. All checks made payable to "Robert Solomon Peralta Memorial Fund")

 ^"The whole congregation of believers was united as one—one heart, one mind! They didn't even claim ownership of their own possessions. No one said, "That's mine; you can't have it." They shared everything... And so it turned out that not a person among them was needy. Those who owned fields or houses sold them and brought the price of the sale to the apostles and made an offering of it. The apostles then distributed it according to each person's need." Acts 4:32-35

"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:4

If you ask what you can do..this is what you can do right now..and while this family wouldn't ask themselves, we as their brothers and sisters in Christ are here to bear them up when they do not have the strength. Let us give of what is God's anyway..portioned out for those in need. We are all of one body..let us have the same heartbeat for all His children..and right now, for The Peralta Family..

They are the sweetest, most loving and humble couple. He is an annointed worshipper..so talented and strong in faith..He has led countless into the presence of God with Praise & Worship..she is a beautiful woman of God both inside and out. So sweet and caring..she has watched, played with and cared for many kids as she spent a lot of her time helping in the childrens ministry..and they are both amazing parents. Their two year old daughter, Lil Miss Noah...a gorgeous little fire..so playful..her laugh infectious..her smile contagious. And while this family has contributed to so many over their years in serving others and just being the amazing people they are...being who God has called them to be...will you now offer a hand back....and help?

We love them dearly..and know that God is with them and will deliver them from their pain. Not only because He said He would...

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but God delivers Him out of them all."-Psalm 34:19

"The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; He saves those who have lost all hope."-Psalm 34:18

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."-Isaiah 43:2

But because we  also know..they love God..they are strong in their faith and for eachother. And sometimes I couldn't say these things about myself so others said them for me and about me even in my weakness/brokenness, so now--I stand for them both and declare they are strong and will not be overcome by this. Even when our brokenness has us so low..we know God is close. And little Soloman is with Jesus now..He is in the presence of our precious Saviour, worshipping and playing with the Angels...strong and healthy and full of joy and peace...and He now too..is one more angel above us.. 

So, thats how I know. And we pray now for their healing, restoration, peace and even joy...that no bad thought have place here, we don't allow it.

So...if it is in your heart and within your means to give..anything at all...from the bottom of my heart, I am truly grateful. This is about our friends..and helping them in their time of need. And what you make happen for others, God will make happen for you (Luke 6:38). Come on everyone...lets come together in love and with a heart for His children...our friends in life, or even in spirit if some of you are just readers who I do not know personally...I ask with a humble and solemn heart..will you give? And if anything..I ask that you please continue to pray...thank you, thank you...

And for all of us..for The Peralta Family, for you...

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" -Philippians 4:19

"God gives power to the faint and strengthens the powerless. But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."-Isaiah 40:29-31

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so, so much..for anything you can do..I thank you. God Bless each of you and I pray God see's your blessing upon the Peralta Family..and I know He will honor you back...I pray many blessings over you..and I thank you..with love..I thank you.

xoxoxoxo
-Kris

       

It's been 23 days since we lost our first baby, 17 since we found out we lost her and 14 since we dedicated our angel baby to Christ and said our goodbyes...I sat here counting the days just now and I can't believe it..it hasn't even been that long and in some aspects it feels like its been an eternity...

While I wish so badly that I could've seen her beautiful little face and kiss her tiny hands...held her and felt her breath on my chest as we fell asleep together..snapped pictures of her and Chris cuddling in the Saturday morning sunlight..watch him pray over her each night as he did when she was in my tummy...while I wish with everything in me that we could have had all of that...I know, my precious Isabel is alive and well in heaven and in our hearts...and God is using her life still.

It almost feels crazy to me that in what little time we had with our baby...and the short time its been since she went to heaven...how much God has moved in all of this. While it is such a horrible thing, for a mom and dad to lose their baby, I think, for me at least..the real tragedy would have been all of this happening...us going through the loss, and that be it.

The real tragedy would be going through the loss and it going no further than that. For it all to just be literally "lost". I thank God everyday that even in her short life, Isabel had a purpose and in heaven, she is doing The Lord's work..how beautiful to know that! I thank God that in our pain and weakness He is made so, so strong and He rests with us. He moves in us still even through our brokenness..I look back at the posts I wrote right when everything was going on and its like I tell myself, "what...?" Without Jesus in my life there is NO way I could have done any of that...but God pushed me to use my ability to write..and I did. It felt good. I just prayed that it wouldnt only be an outlet for me...but a tool God would use to minister to others..to encourage others; especially women who have lost a baby..

I am just in awe of how God works..how His purpose for our baby is still being lived out and always will be..How God does what He says He will do...

^"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."-Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

Like Chris has told me before, "God already has it all worked out". He does. His word is true. His heart is good and whatever we offer to Him..He will use it. I just love that. My heart sometimes can only hang on this verse because I am weak. But God is so merciful and gives grace and comfort to His children in their time of need...To know that He keeps me present before God Himself is so vital to every part of me because there were and still are times I am just too beyond myself to bring myself before God...but then the prayers of others help to usher me forward...the knowing that God is here keeps me there...and knowing that Jesus Christ keeps me present before God. He can never leave..He has been with us always..

So, even in our mess...God brings beauty in..and while our baby is in heaven and we are here to remember and always love her...we are also here to take care of Kingdom business and shine Christ..even in our darkest times..

So, to my precious Isa...look mamita..look what your little life has brought forth...see the fruit! I am so proud to be your mama... :) :

"I've been reading your blog, Kristina. It is truly amazing. Every post has made me cry -whether good tears, sad tears or hopeful tears- Your words touch my heart in such a way, I cannot expain. Your love for God, Chris and Isabel is extraordinary. You are a beautiful woman of God. You inspire me."Kayla, Facebook

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"How beautiful. what a wonderful way to honor your first child. May God continue to bless you and give you those much needed times of refreshing in this tough time. Your faith inspires me and honors Him... "poster from The Bump.com

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"I just wanted to say after reading your blog post that you guys are an incredible testimony and I know God is and will use this for His glory. My prayers are with you both."-poster from TheBump.com

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"I hope you do not mind but i have been reading your blog lately and i really enjoy reading it. You really inspire me to heal in this time of sadness and i wanted to thank you for sharing it..."-poster from, TheBump.com

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 "I read through your blog and I also have PCOS pretty bad myself. Your blog is very inspiring, and I have lost a lot of my faith in God since having 4 miscarriages. By reading through I have gotten through my 'hate' of God and my anger, and I wanted to thank you."-poster from TheBump.com

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"Your post moved me and I felt like I needed to contact you. I am so sorry for your loss and I thought it was so sweet that you dedicated your first baby to God. I share your faith in Jesus and know he is carrying and weeping with you and your husband."-poster from TheBump.com

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  "I just read your blog and the tears are flowing.. I'm so touched by your grace and faith. You are an amazing woman, wife and mother. I'd like to share that i had a missed miscarriage 6 months before concieving Carlitos. It was devastating to learn as you did of my baby's passing via ultrasound and you described so beautifully how i felt. But what you have also done is reaffirmed my faith that my baby--our babies--are with Jesus and waiting for us. As a new believer, I haven't really dealt with that miscarriage 3 and 1/2 years ago and now God has allowed me to embrace my baby and see that she/he is there--waiting for me. Thank you for letting me see this truth and please know that you are a light for people like me.. I love you and am praying for you, Chris and baby Avila..."-email from a friend on FB

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"I stumbled across your blog in your signature when I was looking for answers on this board yesterday. I was trying to read as much as I could to figure out what was going on with me. I think your blog is beautiful. You are honoring God and bringing glory to His name by the way you live your life."-poster from, TheBump.com

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I kept most of these anonymous obviously to guard and respect those who posted these words...but wow..Praise God...Thank you Jesus that you have turned this for your good...that our babies life still goes on...and that in the end...there is Glory brought to your name..and I just want the world to know...I really had nothing to do with any of this...my fingers did the typing..but all of this...was all God..and the fruit of Jesus in our lives..

Thank you God ....thank you that we can feel you in everything and that you never leave our lives. Even in the mystery of who you are...you show yourself to us so clear sometimes..we want to live in you God...search our hearts and bring healing and restoration..make us whole again..and while we will never forget the beautiful life of our baby(ies) in heaven or whatever struggle we may be in...we will allow ourselves to move ahead and stay in your plan...we invite you God, to start a work or continue the one you have started in each of us...Oh God...you are beyond anything we could comprehend or describe and sometimes our words do not do justice to who you really are...but we love you. Shine your light God...in the darkest parts of our life and allow us to see you working even in our pain...give us the strength to be used..we trust you God..we breathe you in...we love you. We declare it...in Jesus name...

 I post regularly on message boards on this website called TheBump.com. There, I would post on Trying To Get Pregnant or Trouble Trying To Conceive..then I moved to 1st Trimester and January 2012 Mom's Board...I have since moved to the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss Board and eventually will also post on Trying to Conceive After a Loss...

The boards are a great place to ask questions, opinions and offer or receive great support from women all over..I decided to check my "inbox" on TheBump and I received two messages this past week from two Jan 2012 mom's...one bumpie (thats what we call other posters :) She sent me this poem and a message of condolences, in the subject line of her message it read, "This is for you", it was...it touched me, of course I cried..but it's just beautiful...thank you Saralu82! I deeply appreciate this..:

I thought of you and closed my eyes,

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a Mother,

And I know I heard him say:

A mother has a baby,

This we know is true.

But, God, can you be a mother,

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied,

With confidence in his voice.

I give many women babies,

When they leave is not thier choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb,

But theres no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God

I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared his throat,

And then I saw a tear.

I wish that I could show you,

What your child is doing today,

If you could see your child smile,

With other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons,

Of love and life and fear.

My mommy loved me oh so much,

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom,

Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear.

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one,

Your children are Ok.

Your babies are here in My home,

They'll be at heavens gate for you.

So now you see what makes a mother.

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,

Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,

until their time is done.

They'll be up here with Me one day,

And you'll know that you're the best one!

~Author Unknown

This morning I woke up..the sun bright in our room. I felt somewhat rested for a change..and almost by habit I reached down and gently rubbed by belly to say goodmorning. For a second...I forgot...and then almost immediately I realized the loss all over again..slowly the warm tears streamed down the sides of my face and  today I feel it more than ever...my baby is not here anymore..

Tuesday was our 12 week appointment..there we were due to hear that strong heartbeat again just like we did at our 6 week appointment in June. Chris of course came along and and just before doctor squirted the gel on my growing tummy she felt around and showed me where my uterus was..how it had indeed grown and was right where it should be at 12 weeks. She then applied the cool gel and the doppler, turned it on and searched..

My heartbeat came right away..and then she moved. Mine again..then..again, just mine..she said sometimes at 12 wks its hard to tell and so an ultrasound will show the heartbeat and baby since sometimes the little one is just further back inside me. Chris' face still looked so excited and expectant..which killed me inside. Becuase by this time I already felt this pit in my stomach and the tears started to flow almost uncontrollably..She called for the ultrasound machine, searched on my belly and the picture became visable..I knew instantly...

I had searched and seen what felt like hundreds of 12 wk ultrasound pictures and videos and I knew by this time we should see the baby moving around and it would look like a baby, with a cute little profile and everything. And the images infront of us showed a baby smaller and less defined than I knew it should have been, and no movement at all. I couldn't see the heart flicker or pumping like before..we heard nothing..our precious baby had already gone to be with Jesus last Wednesday at 11 wks 4 days...s/he was just...sleeping it looked like..

Chris continued to pray over me right there in the doctors office, we prayed and asked God to please just wake him up...wake up our child..let him turn over so we can see what we yearned to see. Another doctor came in to verify with an internal ultrasound..by now this was the 3rd one we had that day..and we knew that was it...it was all over and yet just beginning something new all at the same time..our baby left us last week and yet I felt as if it had just been taken from me in the last hour..

The doctors left us alone for a while..I felt nothing in that room but despair. Loss. Such sadness. We cried together, we prayed and fell silent. After, I was sent for bloodwork and to pick up prescriptions for the procedure I was to have done the next morning to remove the pregnancy. After 3 hours of being at Kaiser we were finally able to go home...family and friends came over to offer support and buy us dinner. I was surprisingly...strong and at peace almost...I know that only God could do that at a time like this.

The next morning I woke up around 4:15 am with extremely painful cramping for over an hour and thought my body might be doing what it needed to on its own finally but after a while they stopped and I tried to go back to sleep until the alarm was to go off. I took the valium at 8:30 as instructed and before I knew it we were off to kaiser for a D&C My mom and step dad were there waiting for us. I was so drowsy but painfully aware of what was going on..praying in my heart for God to please be with us now more than ever.. we checked in..prayed and I gave Chris one last kiss and went back to the room alone. I wanted to do it alone. I felt okay to do it alone and didn't want to put anyone else through the procedure too as I knew I would be awake..

I wont go into detail with the procedure at all. I'll only say it was me, the doctor and the sweetest, strongest nurse with me in the room..I will never forget the pain or procedure...I will never forget laying there as the doctor started..and me telling my baby how sorry I was..how much I loved and missed him/her...how sorry I was mommy couldn't protect him/her and how much I promised, I promise I will love you forever.. I know it wasn't my fault..I know the miscarriage was a result of nothing I did at all...but sometimes I just cant help it..it felt like forever..I had my iPod in and tried to listen to worship during it all..then finally..it was over

We were finally able to leave...I was still in a lot of pain for a few hours after the procedure, even with an extra shot of pain medication before we left Kaiser..Chris, my mom, step dad and sister were all with me the rest of the day and I thank God for their support. My mom is amazing..so caring and such a giver..and my sister and step-dad are an awesome support. My dad also came by and visited.. And Chris, my amazing husband...he is taking such good care of me..even through dealing with all of this in a way only he can, he also has to take care of his wife...and he is doing amazing. Trials like this show me who he really is..what he is truly made of..I could not do this without him..the love I am have for him just grows deeper each second and I know together..we can get through this.

In those past two days I felt strong. I felt peace. I even smiled a few times and talked to people. The kind words, support, love and prayers we have received via email, text, facebook, and calls has just been so, so amazing. We are so grateful for it all..truly..I can feel the prayers working..

I know it will take time to heal..even past the physical. I know some days will be harder than others. I know it's okay to be broken and sad and even angry..but I also know we serve a big God. A God who loves us deeply..a God who has not left us. I don't know why after struggling to get pregnant we finally do only to have it taken from us...for us to only to be put through the most painful experience emotionally and physically I have ever been through..why? I don't know why..why did we testified to the miracle of this pregnancy in front of our entire churn only to now have to explain the loss.. I don't know..I feel so lost and heartbroken.

But I have to trust...we have to trust and find comfort in His plan. Jesus guide us. I know you are here..I can't figure any of this out..and I know you know how much we stepped out in faith and wanted this baby...so for now..just sit with us..we still love you with all our hearts..

Lord, in the meantime..take care of our precious baby...tell him/her about mama and daddy..we love you baby Avila...we have always loved you..I knew you in my dreams. We will always love you..find joy my little one as you lay with Jesus..we will see you one day my love...mama loves you..

" And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of ages."-Matthew 28:20

We do not lose faith or hope. We do not grow bitter or distant. We trust in you Oh God..guide us through this time, bless those who have been there for us. Heal our hearts, minds, bodies and spirits..grieve with us and lead us to peace and joy once again. Oh Jesus..wrap us in your loving arms. Hold us as we sleep..let us grow closer together and let us not grow too weary. God heal us. Mend us. Give us wisdom and strengthen our minds against the enemy. And most of all..we Praise you for who you are. We worship you still..with heavy hearts and tear filled eyes..we still rejoice in the fact that you are GOOD. You have not left us..and we just ask that you remain at the center. We love you Lord..We Love You.