week 16

 

...no cravings still..

...yes still loving the ice water...

...baby is now the size of an avocado or about 4 inches long!...

...I cannot stand the smell of popcorn-can't do it. nope...

{i just heard thunder outside..lost my train of thought..i hate thunder!}

...anyway...

...nope...lost it....

 

 

 

 

These last couple of weeks I have really been allowing myself to feel pregnant in every sense, including mentally and emotionally. I think with the previous losses last year and just the anxiousness and worry that comes along with a normal pregnancy alone-it all held me back a little bit. I will say though that I was never fearful this time around-not really...no...

 

While losing two pregnancies and ultimately two babies months a part in one year was enough to make me think its time to "take a break" and more than enough to truly terrify me of another pregnancy. But once I realized I was pregnant this year in June.....I wasn't afraid. I think going through those losses helped me to realize just how sovereign God is and how much things are just not in my hands. Now-I'm not going to say "God allows this or that" or "he lets this or that happen yadda yadda"-I am not God, how would I know? But I do know that no matter what ends up happening-God is above it all, he is in control. He knows my heart and desires and he loves me deeply. He has Chris and I in the palm of his hands and while the losses were the worst times in my life-they didn't last for forever. I miss by babies and wonder what could have been sometimes-but I know that if they aren't with me-the fact that they are in Jesus' arms comfort me none the less. And really-we made it out okay and our faith was stronger after each experience...somehow this time around too I knew *if*....IF......if sometheing were to happen, yes my heart would hurt but eventually we would be alright. I begged God to let us have this baby..I pleaded with him...I cried out to him with each little cramp I had...I wasn't expecting to lose this one like I thought I would-I just really really wanted to have a long and healthy pregnancy. I wanted to bring a baby home. I wanted that empty guest room to finally be a nursery. I wanted to hold my child. So while I had no fear and I knew God had already given me this miracle; I decided I would enjoy this for however long it lasts. I would tell myself, "today you are pregnant, and today you love your baby."  I was. And I did.

 

I know for some people this all may sound dramatic or even a little jaded or hint of cynicism-but being pregnant after losses is not a cake walk people. However-and this is a BIG however-my relationship with Christ has never been more important to me and I know God has pulled me through and above the fear, worry & anxiety that would have probably clouded my pregnancy (normally). He had mercy on my nerves and showed grace to my heart...and so I chose to finally recieve it and celebrate this baby and this pregnacy.

 

So I am sorry if I post too many "bump" pictures or if your news feed is clogged with "baby" this or "craving" that--this is just a true and evident miracle in my life and I want to shout it to the world! To God be the Glory and thank you to my husband for being an amazing partner in this journey already...

 

I know me getting sick, not being able to eat much, losing weight, hating the smell of his beloved late night snack (popcorn) and the irritability (alredady) hasn't been easy on me or Chris--but he's been pretty darn great thus far and I love you babe...  Do I sometimes just want to punch you "accidentally" as you slumber away perfectly while I lay awake at night with heartburn & acid reflux tossing and turning? Suuuurrre.....sometimes. BUT-I don't. Because I love you. Because I am grateful for you. And because you probably wouldn't wake up anyway...

 

Anyway..

 

So here is to 16 weeks so far of a healthy pregnancy! Baby is doing great and soon enough we will know whether this little bambino is a boy or girl!!

 

 

14.

...not so nauseated..but I have my moments...
...ice water is my relief...

..now constantly sleeping with my amazing pregnancy pillow (katie coleman you are an angel!)...

...no cravings what so ever...I still have food aversions :(...

...my stomach has "popped" and I just shook my head in awe today, my belly is starting to form-

  so grateful to God...

...baby is the size of a lemon!...
...must have snaks on hand at all times, empty stomach=noooo good...

...God bless whoever invented full panel maternity pants!...

I know I sort of have a "smile-but-deer-in-the-headlights" look going on here...it was a long past couple of days..I was so tired!! :)

Caught off guard. Taken by surprise. Shocked.

These are all the things I felt when I discovered I was infact pregnant in early June...I usually like to make a long story longer :) But for privacy's sake I will make this one short....

After going through two losses last year, Chris and I decided to take a break from trying for another baby..for personal reasons we felt this was just the right decision. As bittersweet as it was to make that decision. To be so close to becoming parents and then it all going away...it was not the easiest-but we committed our plans to God. I surrendered...struggled a little..and then God took over. We had peace and knew the Lord was with us..

In the meantime I met with doctors, got a new eating plan (paleo diet), was put on certain suppliments and taken off certain other medications..my body was being encouraged to correct itself with the help of these things. I cannot begin to describe the transformation my body had made it was awesome...to go from 6 migraines a month to none was immeasurable and other things that started to fall in line which also affected fertility-the proof was in the pudding-or rather in the paleo :)

Now more than ever, I truly believe that God know's my own heart even better than I do. He see's those deep desires and my strong will and softens my spirit. He know's me like no other. His blessings and rebukes speak to exactly what I need. So on that afternoon of July 7th when I realized Chris and I were expecting-expecting a baby...pregnant......I was shocked. At this point we had not been trying for a baby but trying to naturally keep our plan a float...but it seemed God had other plans.

After early doctors appointments, first trimester screenings and ultrasounds...nervous moments and months of being really, really sick, hearing our baby's heartbeat and waiting a little... it's now time to share the wonderful news! Our little family is growing as we take in each breath. With ever beat my heart takes, my child is alive and well and I am so humbled and grateful. My heart is so happy

 A friend of ours told us, "God searched the whole world and knew that you were the perfect couple to raise this child for such a time as this." and you know what...more and more I believe that very statement. God is so faithful. He has such perfect plans and timing even beyond what we can comprehend. So....I'm just going to receive it! We are blessed beyond words...elated and excited. Thank you to those of you who have been praying for us for so long and continue to keep us lifted...we know prayer works and we feel them!! We love you all....and we are so, so grateful..Blessings!

Can't wait to meet our little love bug!

xo

Kris

That's what I said as tears flowed down my face this past Saturday..God..."You saved me..."

I meant it in the "right now" sense as far as what Chris and I had gone through with our loss...I gave my life to Christ when I was 12 so I have been "saved" by grace ever since. Saturday though, I meant that God saved me from..well, let me explain..

In working through all the feelings, emotions and physical and mental growth and recovery that comes from losing a pregnancy/baby..I had read countless stories, posts and received emailes of women who just were so lost along with everything else. The depression and grief were just too strong and thus they felt so helpless, hopeless, weak and broken. I was so scared I would somehow end up so wrapped up in all of it that I wouldn't be able to get out. Nothing goes back to normal right away, its natural for things to take some time. But in my reading, research and inquiring posts on message boards, I learned all too well of the pit that waits if we cannot somehow find the strength to..well, be strong. I mean really, in times like that..you are just so desperate to feel in just the tiniest bit of control and hope that the strength you need so badly will soon come..

I remember..in the first couple of weeks, in going to the appointment and finding out we had lost our baby, in just a couple hours after that having to schedule the procedure and then in the days we took to just "be"..I absolutely hated my humanness. Because in that, in my humanness I was acutely aware of the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do.

Nothing.

In my circumstance-in that very moment Chris and I were left alone in the doctors office to just take a few minutes to ourselves before we had to make any decisions. You could just feel the rawness of emotion and even in that sadness, I felt held. Jesus was there with us, holding us and mourning with us. That was the only moment in my entire life that my heart was broken. But I still felt God there..

And in the events that were to follow and the weeks that were to come, we had to put one foot infront of the other and move forward. I felt though, in getting up and getting ready for work..in planning things each weekend and waking each day..some how, I felt like I was doing my baby an injustice. But through my husband, a friend of ours (Natalie Valdez, love you girl!)..and God..they all helped me realize that this was necessary and God was with us. We will never forget that pregnancy and our first baby, we just can't. But with God, we can still honor her--but also start to live life again, try for a baby again, be excited for other people's pregnancies and baby announcements and baby showers again. (now, most of this pertains to me but..you get what I'm trying to say) I think for me, it was harder #1) because I am emotional by nature as a woman..and #2) it was my body that had begun to change and take the shape necessary to take care of the little life inside me..and it was my body that also had to endure everything that came along with no longer being pregnant..and with the recovery. All of that was just a constant reminder for me, and different from the way in which Chris was handling things. And that's okay, thats normal...we are both healing and still, getting better each day.

Yes, some days certain things still sting..I stare at pregnant women some days and others I just bounce my eyes. Certain songs or poems I hear or see grip me like they wouldn't have before. But what I want to get across, and make clear..is that with God, all of this is easier. Easy in the sense that its doable. Moving forward is possible. Having a healed heart, being able to again, find joy in things that would otherwise hurt my heart because of my loss..its all possible with God. I realized that early on..as Chris and I would tell eachother constantly, that God is the same. He is still God. Like he was when we got pregnant. Like He was when the world was right..the world isn't dark and wrong now as far as "our" lives went. And yes, I sat there for hours sometimes in my prayer time just telling God, "you can step in, you can change all of this, you can save us from this." And I all of a sudden realized one day, He could have.

He very well and certainly could do anything. But he didn't. And nothing in me ever felt like God "did this to us" or even "let it happen" to teach us a lesson or build our faith or even punish us. That is not my God. I read in one book that one nurse told the author when she had lost her baby that, "we live in a fallen world"..and we do. This world is not perfect, it isn't even meant for us. Our loss just..happened..and instead our precious baby was born straight into heaven..how amazing. God has His hand over it all, and we trust Him. So when the world says I should expect to feel depressed, sad for months after and still grieve for months to years, that this may cause discord in the marriage, that I will be too emotional to work right or be involved with friends and activities. That this will always be a scar on my heart and in my memory and will make me tense or scared with the next pregancy. I can turn to God's word and hear, " Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers^[a] of this world, rather than from Christ." Col. 2:8 All of those worldly thoughts are carnal and not of God. Because God says that we, "...use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. ⁵ We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."-2 Cor 10:4-5. These weapons only come from using His word to guard and battle with our minds and hearts..when we want to just sit in the sorrow, God's Word reminds us that He has a perfect plan for our lives of fullness and plans to prosper us and not harm or hurt us (Jer 29:11).

And that's what I set to do, it's what I have been working on. To get my mind and heart aligned with God's and be okay with being happy again. Prayer and God's word not only kept me afloat during our loss, now they are ushering me forward with a heart that is healing...better that what the World said could happenor how it could happen or when. And I am just so grateful to God. That he carried us. He continues to carry us...we will not forget our first little love Isa, but we can have joy and peace again and have no guilt or sadness in even thinking about trying for another baby. Because God does intend for us to be his hands and feet in this world, and to live a life of fullness, joy, purpose and to have sound minds in Him. Choosing Christ was the best decision I ever made..he has saved me in every way....

Saved me from eternal pain both after my life ends and while I am still living it..I am not only saved by grace and faith to be able to spend eternity in heaven (Eph 2:8). But also saved in that he rescued me from the depression or fear or sorrow or hard heart I could have easily had if He was not with me. I don't know how I would have done any of this without God and I give Him all the Glory..all of it. On my own I am weak and broken but with Christ I can be whole and filled again! And He is always, always with me..

^"38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:38-39

"And be sure of this; I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matt. 28:20

So, I am happy..I am. I miss my baby everyday..but I remember the pregnancy fondly..I thank God for the little time I had with her..and the short while I carried her, even though it was a tough pregnancy..I loved it still. I will forever love my child..and until I can hold her; Heaven will. She is forever in our hearts..and I hope someday soon, we will be able to giver her a brother or sister...Chris and I are excited to be able to try again in the fall...and we trust completely that God see's things we cannot. He is on the throne, in Heaven..and He see's us. He loves us deeply. He has not changed.

You saved me, Jesus...you saved me..I see the sunlight..I love you...I feel you and I love you...I exalt you God. All I can say is thank you..and I will exalt you..you are my God...

It's been 23 days since we lost our first baby, 17 since we found out we lost her and 14 since we dedicated our angel baby to Christ and said our goodbyes...I sat here counting the days just now and I can't believe it..it hasn't even been that long and in some aspects it feels like its been an eternity...

While I wish so badly that I could've seen her beautiful little face and kiss her tiny hands...held her and felt her breath on my chest as we fell asleep together..snapped pictures of her and Chris cuddling in the Saturday morning sunlight..watch him pray over her each night as he did when she was in my tummy...while I wish with everything in me that we could have had all of that...I know, my precious Isabel is alive and well in heaven and in our hearts...and God is using her life still.

It almost feels crazy to me that in what little time we had with our baby...and the short time its been since she went to heaven...how much God has moved in all of this. While it is such a horrible thing, for a mom and dad to lose their baby, I think, for me at least..the real tragedy would have been all of this happening...us going through the loss, and that be it.

The real tragedy would be going through the loss and it going no further than that. For it all to just be literally "lost". I thank God everyday that even in her short life, Isabel had a purpose and in heaven, she is doing The Lord's work..how beautiful to know that! I thank God that in our pain and weakness He is made so, so strong and He rests with us. He moves in us still even through our brokenness..I look back at the posts I wrote right when everything was going on and its like I tell myself, "what...?" Without Jesus in my life there is NO way I could have done any of that...but God pushed me to use my ability to write..and I did. It felt good. I just prayed that it wouldnt only be an outlet for me...but a tool God would use to minister to others..to encourage others; especially women who have lost a baby..

I am just in awe of how God works..how His purpose for our baby is still being lived out and always will be..How God does what He says He will do...

^"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."-Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

Like Chris has told me before, "God already has it all worked out". He does. His word is true. His heart is good and whatever we offer to Him..He will use it. I just love that. My heart sometimes can only hang on this verse because I am weak. But God is so merciful and gives grace and comfort to His children in their time of need...To know that He keeps me present before God Himself is so vital to every part of me because there were and still are times I am just too beyond myself to bring myself before God...but then the prayers of others help to usher me forward...the knowing that God is here keeps me there...and knowing that Jesus Christ keeps me present before God. He can never leave..He has been with us always..

So, even in our mess...God brings beauty in..and while our baby is in heaven and we are here to remember and always love her...we are also here to take care of Kingdom business and shine Christ..even in our darkest times..

So, to my precious Isa...look mamita..look what your little life has brought forth...see the fruit! I am so proud to be your mama... :) :

"I've been reading your blog, Kristina. It is truly amazing. Every post has made me cry -whether good tears, sad tears or hopeful tears- Your words touch my heart in such a way, I cannot expain. Your love for God, Chris and Isabel is extraordinary. You are a beautiful woman of God. You inspire me."Kayla, Facebook

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"How beautiful. what a wonderful way to honor your first child. May God continue to bless you and give you those much needed times of refreshing in this tough time. Your faith inspires me and honors Him... "poster from The Bump.com

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"I just wanted to say after reading your blog post that you guys are an incredible testimony and I know God is and will use this for His glory. My prayers are with you both."-poster from TheBump.com

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"I hope you do not mind but i have been reading your blog lately and i really enjoy reading it. You really inspire me to heal in this time of sadness and i wanted to thank you for sharing it..."-poster from, TheBump.com

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 "I read through your blog and I also have PCOS pretty bad myself. Your blog is very inspiring, and I have lost a lot of my faith in God since having 4 miscarriages. By reading through I have gotten through my 'hate' of God and my anger, and I wanted to thank you."-poster from TheBump.com

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"Your post moved me and I felt like I needed to contact you. I am so sorry for your loss and I thought it was so sweet that you dedicated your first baby to God. I share your faith in Jesus and know he is carrying and weeping with you and your husband."-poster from TheBump.com

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  "I just read your blog and the tears are flowing.. I'm so touched by your grace and faith. You are an amazing woman, wife and mother. I'd like to share that i had a missed miscarriage 6 months before concieving Carlitos. It was devastating to learn as you did of my baby's passing via ultrasound and you described so beautifully how i felt. But what you have also done is reaffirmed my faith that my baby--our babies--are with Jesus and waiting for us. As a new believer, I haven't really dealt with that miscarriage 3 and 1/2 years ago and now God has allowed me to embrace my baby and see that she/he is there--waiting for me. Thank you for letting me see this truth and please know that you are a light for people like me.. I love you and am praying for you, Chris and baby Avila..."-email from a friend on FB

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"I stumbled across your blog in your signature when I was looking for answers on this board yesterday. I was trying to read as much as I could to figure out what was going on with me. I think your blog is beautiful. You are honoring God and bringing glory to His name by the way you live your life."-poster from, TheBump.com

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I kept most of these anonymous obviously to guard and respect those who posted these words...but wow..Praise God...Thank you Jesus that you have turned this for your good...that our babies life still goes on...and that in the end...there is Glory brought to your name..and I just want the world to know...I really had nothing to do with any of this...my fingers did the typing..but all of this...was all God..and the fruit of Jesus in our lives..

Thank you God ....thank you that we can feel you in everything and that you never leave our lives. Even in the mystery of who you are...you show yourself to us so clear sometimes..we want to live in you God...search our hearts and bring healing and restoration..make us whole again..and while we will never forget the beautiful life of our baby(ies) in heaven or whatever struggle we may be in...we will allow ourselves to move ahead and stay in your plan...we invite you God, to start a work or continue the one you have started in each of us...Oh God...you are beyond anything we could comprehend or describe and sometimes our words do not do justice to who you really are...but we love you. Shine your light God...in the darkest parts of our life and allow us to see you working even in our pain...give us the strength to be used..we trust you God..we breathe you in...we love you. We declare it...in Jesus name...

The night before our 12 wk appointment, I had a dream that in the appointment they told us we were having a girl. When I woke up the next morning...I was a little perplexed. I knew it was just a dream and that at a 12 week appointment that is just too soon to learn the sex of the baby.Either way, it made me smile and I took it for what it was...a dream.

Flash forward to 2:00 pm that Tuesday afternoon and we find that we lost our baby and the chaos ensues. That night, I had no dream...I dont even remember sleeping, I was too nervous for the next morning...


That next morning, Wednesday, was the procedure and that night, I dreamt of a baby girl. She was an infant. She was all bundled up in pink onesie-long sleeve pajama's with the little feetsie bottoms, asleep and as peacful as ever. We were sitting in the bedroom and then I hand her off to Chris, he takes her into the living room where friends and family are, we all hang out...she wakes and I even nurse her (something I have obviously never done in real life). It was so surreal, so strange and so amazing all at the same time. But for some reason...I never caught a real glimpse of her little face. I remember gazing at her in my dream, just staring in awe at this baby girl..and yet when I woke..for the LIFE of me, I couldn't remember her face..but it was still an amazing dream. I didn't feel tortured by it, but rather somewhat comforted.

The next night, Thursday night...another dream. Only this time, she was a toddler. I'd say about 11 months or so. Running around all cute! In my dream, we were at this big event and Chris had just finished speaking and I was back stage with our daughter..she was dancing and running in circles, wearing jeans, gold ballet flats and a bright pink hoodie. She had short wavy/curly brown hair with a cute little flower clip holding her hair out of her face, just off to the side. Chris comes running down the corridor and swoops her up, you know-the way you do when you swing the child in the air and make them squeal with shear panic and joy! :)

He held her as we talked to other people backstage...she twirled her hair with her little fingers and giggled incessantly as daddy tickled her in between laughing with friends and conversing. But again, sadly I woke up and it was over. And again...I could not make out or remember her face. It was like that movie, Inception. Where his kids are there yet he cannot make out their faces but he knows his children. And she knew me...she knew my voice..she loved her daddy and just adored him...it was the best dream...and in that dream she had a name...

And her name, was Isabel.

We called her "Isa" for short sometimes, I remember that..but Isabel altogether.

Isabel.

When I was pregnant, Chris and I talked about names we liked and this one never really came up..In going through the loss, procedure and what was to follow, Chris had told me that in that time, he had prayed to  God, that He would help us with some identity for the baby we lost.. anything. But I had the dream about the doctor telling us we were having a girl before Chris prayed any of this...but after his prayers...in my dreams I had her for a while..and her name, her name was Isabel. I didn't tell Chris about any of this until the week after the loss...I think I still needed time to process it all and make sure I wasn't going crazy! Now, people may think I am insane or just too wrapped up still in the loss..but let me tell you. I know within my heart..that God heard our cries in the middle of our pain and answered that prayer. Yes, I think God can do this..and I know He did..without a shadow of a doubt, I believe that God not only let us know our baby was a girl...but He loved us enough to go one step further..and He named her.

Back to Friday of that week, Chris and I went to Half Moon Bay and dedicated and released "Baby Avila" to Christ and had our day together. It was a great day..we needed that. Then, the next day, before I knew it--I woke up..and realized..no dream. I hadn't had another, and I haven't had another since then. But when I stop, and think..about the dreams, about the timing..about it all. I smile. My heart smiles. It gives me such peace. I long for another dream like the ones I had that week, but I think God gave me all that I needed. He settled my heart about knowing my child since we never got to meet her and he answered Chris' prayers too..and this meant the world to him. To both of us.

I decided to make a short scrapbook for her of what we had so far through the pregnancy...pictures of the positive home pregnancy tests, of the little bump I had so far and of the two ultrasound pictures we had. Pictures of each of us and of the day we dedicated her at the beach, and journal entries I had so far about the pregnancy. It's not a lot as far as quantity..but when I think about how much it all meant to us..I can't just throw it all away or shove it in a box. We have a baby...and though she is not in our arms, she is forever in our hearts..and we are already mom & dad, just to an angel baby.

Since telling Chris, we have both found peace and joy in this :) I thought it would be nice to give her a full name..and so, upon Chris' approval, her middle name is Justine. It's my mom's middle name and then it was given to me as my middle name..and so, Isabel Justine...

"Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you.  Before you saw the light of day, I had Holy plans for you..."-Jeremiah 1:5 (The Message)

Isabel Justine Avila

I like it. Thank you God, for allowing me to have a husband who would even think to pray for this..and thank you for loving us enough..to do this for us..we love you Lord. We are grateful. God is just so good to us. :) We love you Isa...xoxo

^"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart. I am so pleased that you have continued on in this with us, believing and proclaiming God's Message, from the day you heard it right up to the present. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears."-Philippians 1:3-6 (the message)

again the same verse in a different translation..

"I thank my God every time I remember you."-Phil 1:3 (NIV)

I love my husband...

Reasons I love this man:

He loves God with all his heart, and me second. And he loved me enough to ask if we'd share life together forever. And on 2.23.08 he said "I do". He has a heart for others.

He has a heart for me. He has a heart that's after God's.

He loves kids. He loves sports (the same teams!). Always compliments my cooking.

He prays with and for me every night before bed, and if I have already fallen asleep, he prays for me while I sleep. He doesn't let me be weak or feel sorry for myself. He works hard for us. He has great faith. He was there to kneel with me before God when we were faced with infertility.

He prayed over my belly before we were pregnant. He prayed over our baby while we were pregnant.

He had the faith I couldn't sometimes.

He read all his daddy-to-be books right away..and researched doulas and midwives :)

He bought me popsicles and cucumbers when the nausea wouldn't let me eat much else.

He danced along to the "flash mob" commercial to cheer me up. And tried to bust through the door when I was throwing up, just to "be there" for me!

He came to every dr's appt. He filmed our baby's hearbeat..he praised God in the good, and in the bad.

He kept our faith even after the dr's told us our baby was gone..He let himself cry & grieve..and still stayed strong for me. He praised my strength, and asked how I did it? He is so unaware, of the pillar he is for me.

He stood by me and opened up, rather than shut down and turn around. He prayed over and dedicated our baby beside me, to Jesus. He stayed. He stayed.

He stayed by me.

He smiles and melts every part of me. He prays and I feel God so strong. He serves me. He loves me. He leads me.

He leads me.

I love him. I respect him.

Right now.

I honor Him.

He is the best thing that has ever happened to me (besides Jesus of course)...I cannot imagine my life without Chris. I just can't...I would have no idea how to be without him. Through out all that has gone on these last few weeks..and how up and down this has all been..He is..amazing. Stronger than he thinks, thats for sure. It's amazing, how he underestimates his ability in times like these...I know he isnt aware of the man he is sometimes, but I do.

I love his humility. I think..yea, that was one of the things that first attracted me to him. In a crowd of people or just a few, he just has this presence. He is funny, smart, clever, engaging, and did I mention funny? The guy is hilarious. Ask anyone. And yet..with such a personality and gifts, he remains so humble about himself. Seriously? Do you know who you are? And yea, he does.

He is so clear in his convictions and truths. He is so grounded in God and committed in and to his faith..he encourages me every day. Without even saying a word..he can do that to me.

I guess I just wanted to take a second to just recognize him.You see, with the loss of our first baby..the procedure and the bumps along the way since then, a lot of the focus has been on me. And while I appreciate the love, support, encouragement and prayers...and I know concern is always foremost placed on the woman, as it is she who is physically affected by this. My only concern is him. All I could think about was him. I prayed for him every night and throughout the day, when I cried, some tears were reserved for him..God please heal my husband too. He himself put so much into making sure I was okay, comfortable and taken care of, before having any concern for himself, he thought of me. That's just the kind of guy he is. 6'1 and a huge heart to match. He is so great.

I thank those who took the time to message, txt or call Chris..just for Chris. Because in one way or another, it is also very much about him. My love..my sweet, loving husband. I never, ever, ever want to see him hurt. If I could spare him from any pain I would. If I had the power to remove any pain from his life I would. I would do anything for this man, and I know he'd do the same for me.

You see, before I even thought about marriage or anything like that, I did pray. I prayed that God would hand pick the man He would have for me. Please God let him be cute :) Latino, love kids and all my favorite sports teams (I could not marry a Dodger fan, no offense, its just the "Giants" in me) ;) Let him dance well, cook semi-good and have a smile that shoots straight through me. And above all, let him love you. Let him love you, so that he knows how to love me...

Not only did I get the man of my "dreams", I got the man I prayed for. God went above and beyond anything I could have even thought to pray for. Not only did he give me what I wanted..in ways I didn't even know, he gave me exactly the man I needed. In every way I need him. I can trust him. I can fall back on him. I can be lead by him. And he is, the most wonderful husband. I am too blessed..I dont know what I ever did to deserve Chris. And when I think of him-I smile. And I thank God.

I love you Chris. With everything that I am. And I thank you for being who you are. I dont even think that even you know all that you have done for me or all the goodness you possess, but today. In this small way, I recognize you. I honor you babe..I thank you from the bottom of my heart..for who you are. You are my life partner, my lead, my best friend, my heart. I love you. I love you.

I love you...

 I post regularly on message boards on this website called TheBump.com. There, I would post on Trying To Get Pregnant or Trouble Trying To Conceive..then I moved to 1st Trimester and January 2012 Mom's Board...I have since moved to the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss Board and eventually will also post on Trying to Conceive After a Loss...

The boards are a great place to ask questions, opinions and offer or receive great support from women all over..I decided to check my "inbox" on TheBump and I received two messages this past week from two Jan 2012 mom's...one bumpie (thats what we call other posters :) She sent me this poem and a message of condolences, in the subject line of her message it read, "This is for you", it was...it touched me, of course I cried..but it's just beautiful...thank you Saralu82! I deeply appreciate this..:

I thought of you and closed my eyes,

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a Mother,

And I know I heard him say:

A mother has a baby,

This we know is true.

But, God, can you be a mother,

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied,

With confidence in his voice.

I give many women babies,

When they leave is not thier choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb,

But theres no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God

I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared his throat,

And then I saw a tear.

I wish that I could show you,

What your child is doing today,

If you could see your child smile,

With other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons,

Of love and life and fear.

My mommy loved me oh so much,

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom,

Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear.

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one,

Your children are Ok.

Your babies are here in My home,

They'll be at heavens gate for you.

So now you see what makes a mother.

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,

Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,

until their time is done.

They'll be up here with Me one day,

And you'll know that you're the best one!

~Author Unknown

Today is the day I have been looking forward to since Tuesday...and at the same time its the one day I knew I would be very emotional on a whole other level..today is the day we decided we would dedicate our baby to Jesus..and say our goodbyes.

God put it on my heart to go and do this in a special way. So, Chris and I decided to buy a white balloon, drive up to Half Moon Bay..pick a nice, somewhat secluded beach..write a message from each of us to our baby, say a prayer..dedicate and release her to Jesus and let the balloon go.

And thats exactly what we did...

I woke up..early..again..and came to the living room with my two pillows and the most comfy blanket we have. I layed on the couch..stared through the blinds at the already clear, blue sky..and tried my hardest to fall asleep. I closed my eyes..asked God to let me fall asleep..and waited. Before I knew it..my pillow was soaked with deep, sorrow filled tears. But, I felt okay to cry, because today was the day I would make the effort to say goodbye to my precious baby..finally..Today was the day I would, try to honstly let go. To ask God to please, take care of our first baby. To allow us to release and dedicate her into His hands...and to make  us whole again..so, I cried..

I tried to go about the morning, getting ready..brushing my teeth, putting on my makeup..getting out of my sweats for once and into real clothes..and the tears just, kept coming..me heart ached in a new way that morning as I had already begun the process of letting go...

We ran an errand, came back home..gathered what we needed and left home. We had in tow our beach chairs, that same comfy blanket, my camera and then we went to the store for that one white balloon. I felt as though, me..walking through Lucky's with that clean white balloon, everyone knew what it was for and at the same time no one even knew I was there. Because you begin to notice in times like these..the world just-goes on. Like my husband has said in his testimony about losing his mother at 12..the news doesn't stop reporting, the stores continue to open and close and you see the world just keep going and passing by like normal. And so, we knew...we also had to keep going..keep our lives moving. Yes, it would be different. Yes I would eventually have to pack away what baby stuff we already had...my baby and daddy-to-be books, the onsies we were already gifted with, the cocoa butter I was already slathering on each day...the baby sling I had already ordered..no longer would I rub my tummy daily to say goodmorning or goodnight..Chris wouldn't get notes in his lunch pale from mama and his lil bean anymore...at least for now, all of that..was over.

And today...was the day...we both had to let go emotionally and even mentally for the most part. No we would never forget the joy inside from knowing that life, and a piece of each of us was alive and thriving. No, we will never forget the first appointment where we heard and saw a mighty heart beat...and showing anyone who would look our first ultrasound picture..no. We will never ever forget our first baby..we just, have to allow God to move in us, to grow us from this and allow us to heal, and today was a part of that for sure.

On the way to Half Moon Bay we listened to the radio..Air1 and KLOVE..and each song seemed to be played just for us..it was God there with us on the ride. We found a somewhat secluded beach and set up our chairs and didn't talk too much. Chris walked to the waters edge as I messed with my camera settings..he stood out there, alone for a bit..and then we stood together..holding the balloon. We just gave eachother this loving, prepared look as we nodded and agreed we were ready to begin. Chris took the camera as I took the balloon first. I knelt to the cool sand and wrapped the string around my hand..I even grasped the balloon pretty tight hoping not to pop it but fearful of it blowing away before we were ready. I put pen to surface and couldn't begin..God help me..how can anyone be ready to say their somewhat final words to their child? After a while I began to write...and the words came pouring out. The letter unfolded and in the middle of writing I hugged the balloon..I held it as if it were our baby..kissing and whispering "I love you's"...when I was done I passed it to Chris..and it was daddy's turn..

He sat there..in the sand, looking at my letter and wiping tears off his face. He to paused as he began to write his letter to his first baby..I started snapping shots of him during his time of writing and in each shot I felt like I could never take enough of that moment..the moment of Chris, a father, alone with his child...pouring his heart out in love and prayer...his face composed yet full of emotion. When he was finished we both took a picture with our letter...we layed both hands over the balloon and prayed. We dedicated our baby into the hands of God and offered her to Christ..

Then, we stood and Chris handed me the balloon, letting me know I could let it go when I was ready...and I just..stood there. Clutching the string..watching it flail in the breeze..little by little I tried so hard to let it go, at some points I though I did...and then I clenched it harder..inch by inch I let the string out..all the while feeling Chris' strong, loving arms around me..I could feel him watching too...then, finally..the let go..I fell to my knee's and sobbed in the wet sand as Chris stood strong and watched our hearts float away in the strong, coastal wind..I looked up on last time and tried desperately to search it out and then I saw it..floating away until we couldn't see it anymore...it was gone..

Chris helped me up..we silently prayed again and cried together...we held eachother and stood on that beach, feeling so "together" and alone at the same time..eventually we made our way back to our chairs and just sat there. I looked through all the pictures over and over again...loving every one of them..and just as we felt we could settle into just sitting there...the sun broke, right over us. We felt so warm so quick..Chris pointed it out, I hadn't even noticed..it was 2:00 pm and the sun was directly above us so strong..we smiled at eachother and just relaxed a bit...it was nice how that happened.

In that time, I know we both felt this peace we couldn't deny..I smiled at Chris, and for real this time..He smiled back and kissed me..we stayed on that beach just a little longer knowing that right in that moment God was honoring what we had just done..and our hearts were happy. We knew, everything was going to be alright..

After that, we left the beach..and headed to a local place to eat. We had real conversation, ate great food, genuinely laughed..but I knew..the entire time..our minds and hearts were still on the beach and what we had just done..not in a sad way..just in a remembering kind of way..but we knew..it was okay.

We will never forget any of this week and especially this day..Friday, July 22nd 2011, the day we said goodbye. I will never forget that balloon and how my heart felt, and I will never forget the true love, brokenness and strength Chris had that day..in the end..it was a good day.

                                                              

^"28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose." Romand 8:28

We will always love you..see you one day our angel baby..love you always, mommy & daddy..xoxo

This morning I woke up..the sun bright in our room. I felt somewhat rested for a change..and almost by habit I reached down and gently rubbed by belly to say goodmorning. For a second...I forgot...and then almost immediately I realized the loss all over again..slowly the warm tears streamed down the sides of my face and  today I feel it more than ever...my baby is not here anymore..

Tuesday was our 12 week appointment..there we were due to hear that strong heartbeat again just like we did at our 6 week appointment in June. Chris of course came along and and just before doctor squirted the gel on my growing tummy she felt around and showed me where my uterus was..how it had indeed grown and was right where it should be at 12 weeks. She then applied the cool gel and the doppler, turned it on and searched..

My heartbeat came right away..and then she moved. Mine again..then..again, just mine..she said sometimes at 12 wks its hard to tell and so an ultrasound will show the heartbeat and baby since sometimes the little one is just further back inside me. Chris' face still looked so excited and expectant..which killed me inside. Becuase by this time I already felt this pit in my stomach and the tears started to flow almost uncontrollably..She called for the ultrasound machine, searched on my belly and the picture became visable..I knew instantly...

I had searched and seen what felt like hundreds of 12 wk ultrasound pictures and videos and I knew by this time we should see the baby moving around and it would look like a baby, with a cute little profile and everything. And the images infront of us showed a baby smaller and less defined than I knew it should have been, and no movement at all. I couldn't see the heart flicker or pumping like before..we heard nothing..our precious baby had already gone to be with Jesus last Wednesday at 11 wks 4 days...s/he was just...sleeping it looked like..

Chris continued to pray over me right there in the doctors office, we prayed and asked God to please just wake him up...wake up our child..let him turn over so we can see what we yearned to see. Another doctor came in to verify with an internal ultrasound..by now this was the 3rd one we had that day..and we knew that was it...it was all over and yet just beginning something new all at the same time..our baby left us last week and yet I felt as if it had just been taken from me in the last hour..

The doctors left us alone for a while..I felt nothing in that room but despair. Loss. Such sadness. We cried together, we prayed and fell silent. After, I was sent for bloodwork and to pick up prescriptions for the procedure I was to have done the next morning to remove the pregnancy. After 3 hours of being at Kaiser we were finally able to go home...family and friends came over to offer support and buy us dinner. I was surprisingly...strong and at peace almost...I know that only God could do that at a time like this.

The next morning I woke up around 4:15 am with extremely painful cramping for over an hour and thought my body might be doing what it needed to on its own finally but after a while they stopped and I tried to go back to sleep until the alarm was to go off. I took the valium at 8:30 as instructed and before I knew it we were off to kaiser for a D&C My mom and step dad were there waiting for us. I was so drowsy but painfully aware of what was going on..praying in my heart for God to please be with us now more than ever.. we checked in..prayed and I gave Chris one last kiss and went back to the room alone. I wanted to do it alone. I felt okay to do it alone and didn't want to put anyone else through the procedure too as I knew I would be awake..

I wont go into detail with the procedure at all. I'll only say it was me, the doctor and the sweetest, strongest nurse with me in the room..I will never forget the pain or procedure...I will never forget laying there as the doctor started..and me telling my baby how sorry I was..how much I loved and missed him/her...how sorry I was mommy couldn't protect him/her and how much I promised, I promise I will love you forever.. I know it wasn't my fault..I know the miscarriage was a result of nothing I did at all...but sometimes I just cant help it..it felt like forever..I had my iPod in and tried to listen to worship during it all..then finally..it was over

We were finally able to leave...I was still in a lot of pain for a few hours after the procedure, even with an extra shot of pain medication before we left Kaiser..Chris, my mom, step dad and sister were all with me the rest of the day and I thank God for their support. My mom is amazing..so caring and such a giver..and my sister and step-dad are an awesome support. My dad also came by and visited.. And Chris, my amazing husband...he is taking such good care of me..even through dealing with all of this in a way only he can, he also has to take care of his wife...and he is doing amazing. Trials like this show me who he really is..what he is truly made of..I could not do this without him..the love I am have for him just grows deeper each second and I know together..we can get through this.

In those past two days I felt strong. I felt peace. I even smiled a few times and talked to people. The kind words, support, love and prayers we have received via email, text, facebook, and calls has just been so, so amazing. We are so grateful for it all..truly..I can feel the prayers working..

I know it will take time to heal..even past the physical. I know some days will be harder than others. I know it's okay to be broken and sad and even angry..but I also know we serve a big God. A God who loves us deeply..a God who has not left us. I don't know why after struggling to get pregnant we finally do only to have it taken from us...for us to only to be put through the most painful experience emotionally and physically I have ever been through..why? I don't know why..why did we testified to the miracle of this pregnancy in front of our entire churn only to now have to explain the loss.. I don't know..I feel so lost and heartbroken.

But I have to trust...we have to trust and find comfort in His plan. Jesus guide us. I know you are here..I can't figure any of this out..and I know you know how much we stepped out in faith and wanted this baby...so for now..just sit with us..we still love you with all our hearts..

Lord, in the meantime..take care of our precious baby...tell him/her about mama and daddy..we love you baby Avila...we have always loved you..I knew you in my dreams. We will always love you..find joy my little one as you lay with Jesus..we will see you one day my love...mama loves you..

" And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of ages."-Matthew 28:20

We do not lose faith or hope. We do not grow bitter or distant. We trust in you Oh God..guide us through this time, bless those who have been there for us. Heal our hearts, minds, bodies and spirits..grieve with us and lead us to peace and joy once again. Oh Jesus..wrap us in your loving arms. Hold us as we sleep..let us grow closer together and let us not grow too weary. God heal us. Mend us. Give us wisdom and strengthen our minds against the enemy. And most of all..we Praise you for who you are. We worship you still..with heavy hearts and tear filled eyes..we still rejoice in the fact that you are GOOD. You have not left us..and we just ask that you remain at the center. We love you Lord..We Love You.

Let me just say..the road to getting pregnant was a bit tough (many of you know our journey here) and now this pregnancy has been..well, tough. All around tough, mentally, physically especially...hard on me, hard on Chris..hard on our lil doggie as I have zero time or energy for him most days.

Since week six I have had terrible nausea and vomiting along with difficulty swallowing and digesting. For the nausea and vomiting I was prescribed three different medications over the course of about 9 days before we figured out that one finally worked, Zofran. For the most part this little yellow pill works awesome. Now, I, like a lot of other pregnant women am hesitant about taking medications and wondering how it will affect the baby and all...but this was proven safe and it works so, bottoms up.

It really does help with the nausea and most of the vomiting..however..with the increased difficulty in swallowing and digesting my food, I do, daily now get sick. I cant keep much down that isnt mush and I know I just can't be getting in the calories I need. I am getting sick of mashed potatoes, refried beans, cream of wheat and cream-of-whatever soups. Eating is no longer enjoyable for me and I even cringe and tear up at the thought of eating. For example, this morning I attempted to eat a cup and a quarter of honey nut cheerios and milk..even letting them get soggy. After eating, I could feel it just sitting in my throat/chest..four hours later I felt some of it finally go down. Four hours to completely swallow and let a cup and a quarter of cereal go down...beyond frustrating.

I dont know many women who have had this "symptom" during pregnancy and for my doctors to just write it off as such is hard for me. I worry about being well nourished and not wanting to lose any more weight, but deep down I know there isnt anything they can do..I do just have to wait this out and hope 2nd trimester brings some relief. A woman I met online on these message boards recommended a cook book for dysphagia (a condition that literally translates into 'difficulty swallowing'), not that I have been diagnosed with this, its just that its filled with recipes for soft things I can eat like scalloped potatoes, mango puree, smoothies and soups and more.

I really want to try to get it off Amazon.com and I pray I get some relief. If Baby Avila is good and healthy then I can suffer through this, no matter how down I can get...I just want a healthy little one. God grant me health and healing and protect my child..I have my second prenatal appointment next Tuesday and we get to hear the heart beat again..that will bring me some comfort! I know, "this too shall pass"..but in the mean time...could you pass the apple sauce? I would greatly appreciate any prayers at this point..for me, my husband as he deals with a moody frustrated HUNGRY wife..and for our baby..that s/he is getting all it needs from mama and is healthy as ever! Thank you!