from our home to yours!

download for free HERE

printable is downloadable as a pdf or jpg and is sized to be able to be sized down or up depending on how big or small you would like this in your home! it is mint/black colored and uses various fonts. I will soon design some in neutral colors with one font (different options) and be selling those very soon! enjoy! please let me know what you think and in which room of your house this will hang :)

xo

Kris

Within the last few weeks I have been able to feel our precious baby girl move more and more...

I skipped those ever-so-delicate "flutters". The first time I felt her it was an obvious yet gentle (but unmistakable) thump...as if to say, "Hey mom! I'm in here!"...granted...sometimes her using my cervix or bladder as a punching bag is not so adorable...but every.single.movement is a sweet and evey humbling reminder that we are pregnant with this amazing little miracle....it's a sweet reminder of God's grace in our life. I've heard "grace" described as having something which one does not deserve...unmerited or special favor...

I can tell you this much...having been on the road we have to get to this point- it would be easy to say, "You know what? We deserve this. We have tried for a while. We were so close twice before. I am owed this." But let me tell you.....understanding how fleeting and altogether fragile life is; and understanding who God is and how His heart beats for us..it just is impossible to seem entitled. I am learning to accept God's grace in my life...It is easy to get haughty and entitled when we have been through tough times and then BAM-finally, we get our break....

Yes, that would be easy for me to say or think....but I just can't. God has blessed us with this amazing, perfect, unexpected and unexplainably humbling miracle baby named Mayah...and what better way to pay homage to that which we do not deserve...that which is exceptional and good...God's grace in our life and His grace that display's itself at this moment as the baby girl thriving within me...

... Mayah Grace Avila ...

 

 

She will be Mayah Grace...that middle name we couldn't decide on for while just began to register with our spirit...She is already such an example of God's grace in our life..his favor and mercy...

 

I know I do not deserve her...I am a sinner and act foolish just like everyone else. And I don't know everything about her yet...I don'tknow much at all really. But I know she will be a fiercely passionate & loving force to be reckoned with...and for the rest of my life..I will live every day in an attempt to show God just how grateful we are for Miss Mayah...even now, most days-I am overwhelmed by just how real and present all of this really is...I really cannot describe how amazing this is...how grateful we are...Thank you Jesus..

 

...We are so in love...I can't wait to see her beautiful face....

 

 

"Out of His fullness we have received grace..." John 1:16

...

Glorious-Bryan & Katie Torwalt

 

 

 

 



 

 

"This is exactly what I am supposed to be doing."

That is what I thought to myself last night as I stood before 30 junior high girls. We had an awesome worship set, a special, God gave me a message about making certain right choices and then we had ministry time at the altar. Through out the message I encouraged the girls that either you CHOOSE or you LOSE. We challenged them to choose purity in all forms (how they think, what they look at, how they talk, dress and within the area of boys). We challenged them to choose love eachother, both friends and strangers and girls of all shapes, sizes and backgrounds. We challenged them to choose to love themselves. And we challeged the to choose Jesus. Because all of the stuff before it can all sound really nice..but without Jesus in their hearts, all that goodness falls by the wayside.

Some of the girls made first time decisions and gave their hearts to Jesus last night. A few others realized they  needed to get back up and walk the path they know God has for them...many of them had already made that decision.

Then, when they know personally who we are sharing from...well then it all can start to make sense. So as we prayed...as the sweet song sung by Kari Jobe "My Beloved" played...as these precious young ladies fell to their knee's and sobbed from the pain of self loathing, low self esteem, a heart check and so much more...I stood there...

Did you know that in a survey of girls in America aged 13-17, 43% of them said they would compromise themselves for their boyfriend? Did you know that one survey found that in girls aged 9-10, 40% of them have tried to lose weight? Did you know that in our country, 53% of 13 year old girls are unhappy with their bodies? Did you know that 93% if teenage girls wish they could change something about their bodies? Did you also know that only 2% of American teenage girls consider themselves beautiful?

TWO percent.

Wait-you didn't know? Neither did I. I mean I knew I definitely had self esteem issues growing up. I knew that I was teased and outright treated like I was invisible all through junior high. I knew that most of my sixth grade year was spent eating my lunch alone in the bathroom or in my english teachers class as she graded papers. I knew that I constantly volunteered to do certain group projects alone before we could even pick partners because most of the time, I was left to just be assigned by my teacher to a group. I knew the pain I had experienced. I also knew some of them had some issues with self-image. Why then was I beyond oblivious and quite honestly "too busy" to care?

My heart broke...it just fell to a million little pieces. I was so convicted by my apathy. Surely these girls get some encouragement from their parents? Surely they feel our love when we say hello or give them a big hug when we see them in service. Yea...yea..they are fine.

Can I tell you something? The kids are not alright.

As we had our altar time, as my women leaders made their way through to pray for each girl...I tried to pray and my voice cracked, my heart pounded and I felt so hot all over. I felt their pain. I saw the tears stream from their eyes, I saw their hands clenched together as they prayed that God would heal their hearts and minds...I saw as their bodies jerked from crying as a leader layed hands and poured love and prayer over them...

God did heart surgery and he helped trasnform minds last night. We declared out loud that we CHOOSE life. We CHOOSE purity of the mind, body and spirit. We CHOOSE to love eachother and to love ourselves for EXACTLY who we are...and we CHOOSE JESUS...above all we choose Jesus...

The songs kept playing...they girls prayed over eachother. They embraced eachother and began to tell eachother they were beautiful and a perfect creation. They left it all there...here is what some of them said in their promises they wrote down to leave at the altar :

"I choose purity in all forms. I think if I do that then I will really be able to accept Jesus' truths and I will learn to love myself."

"Sometimes I feel like I am not pretty because I am not skinny. But now I will accept myself for who I am because GOD made me and I love Him."

"I need to choose to love my face and my body."

"I choose Jesus."

"I was bullied, so now I bully. But I need help in my attitude. To not judge. To accept myself too and not gossip. To let people (girls) into my life."

"I choose to love others, I struggle with friends."

"I choose Jesus. I don't like certain things about me. I need to learn that God made me perfect. I am not a mistake"

"To not focus on my weight. I need to love myself. And love God more."

"I need to choose to love myself and stop thinking I am not a regular girl. I need to learn I am made perfect in God's eyes"

There are so many more...but as I stood there...as I saw them lay these little stickie notes down with their promises on them at the altar...I couldn't help my cry with them. To hug them. To pull their hair back and whipe their tears. And all I thought was, "This is exactly what I am supposed to be doing." Not so much in the sense that I feel called to be a minister..but it's that I love these girls. I-and every other woman should be pouring into the younger generations. Offering to help teach God's word and truth to them. They are so bombarded with just junk. They need encouragement, they need affirmation, they need love...

God just moved so big in them last night. I believe he opened their eyes to a lot, even things about themselves that it can be really hard to face. To God be ALL the glory for last night...in no way, shape or form could I have drummed any of that up....I am so, so, so grateful to God that he gave us all the opportunity to come together-just the ladies....so grateful. They left feeling lighter, smiling a little bigger and with arms wrapped around eachother...so awesome..God is so good.

We are not done. Oh no...far from it...this is just the beginning...these girls are ready for more...

Kari Jobe-My Beloved

(such a beautiful song)

More than life-Hillsong

Stand by everything You said
Stand by the promises we made
Let go of everything I 've done
I'll run into Your open arms
And all I know

I love You more than life
I love You more than life

Fall back on everything You've done
Fall back on everlasting arms
When all the world is swept away
You are all the things I need
You're the air I breathe

How can it be
You were the one on the cross
Lifted for all our shame?
How can it be
The scars in Your hands are for me?
You are the king of all

This song brings back so many great memories of when my faith was newly growing and budding. Just being prepped...to get ready for the trials I would later face. And I just love how in love with God I was then and how much my walk has come since that time...

The words in this song just...gosh..are so sobering. I do..I love Him more than life. And although my actions might not always show it.. due to my lack of getting in my word daily or pressing in more and more..but..I do..I love Him. Jesus is the best thing that ever, ever happened to me. I don't deserve anything He gives me...and yet, here I am. Alive and breathing.

I just wanna sing this song all day...I feel God's arms around me...love it...

 

(Here are a few more songs from this album that I loved:)

Take All of Me.

 

Where the love lasts forever.

Always.

 

There are sooo many more...check out the entire album on Amazon.com.

 

 

 

It's about 87 degree's out and summer is coming to an official (calendar) end this week...

It doesn't feel like fall is around the bend but I know that in no time, it will be October..and I'm relieved. I've said it before, I feel like I am ready for fall. I love each season in its own way, and fall for me this year just feels like it is the end to a crazy year...

Now, perhaps this thinking is somewhat carnal in that God is the one to bring the true [spritual] 'seasons' in our lives...however, with the actual changing of the seasons, I think my mind will recognize it all the more. Because in that, I can physically see the transition in the leaves and sky. I will begin to feel the crispness in the air and sniff out the smokey scent that fall fireplaces bring. Soon the tree's will be bare and the moist grass strewn with the rainbow of Autumn. And I will look to the cloudy, amber sunsets and think of the year that has come and gone so quickly. In that moment of bittersweet rememberance of the events that unfolded this year...I can still thank God for everything..He still deserves all my praise and thanks..

Because no matter where I was physically and where my heart broke at times, God was always there to love me, to hold me, to sharpen me and mold me. I never in my wildest imagination would have ever thought this year (or any other for that matter) would have gone the way it did. Are there things I would have changed? In my simple mind, yes. Am I going to sit here and tell God he slipped up on this one, never.

You see the thing about this whole "God" thing is that although life doesn't become easier, it does become doable and you find joy, peace on confidence in ways you would never have without Christ in your life. Just because I pray a prayer doesn't mean I get that "get-out-of-jail-free" card. But let me tell you something, and I want you to listen with your heart...having Christ in my life, was the best decision I have ever, EVER, ever made...life may not get easier, but the strength through Christ that you gain allows you & affords you the opportunity to not just 'get through' things. Rather what you gain in Christ, it all carries you above the storms. And the peace in it all is...beyond anything I can describe. It boils down to this: when you try to do it right, with God, by God..He honors that. I know, that everything I have been through so far in my 24 years of life has made me the person I am today. God is not finished with me yet, so please; have patience with me. Give me a little grace because I am not perfect. But, God is. His ways are far above ours...He is in every circumstance and only wants the best for us. So in knowing that...I know, everything is alright. Not "it will be" alright..it already is. Because God said so. Remain close to Him. Reman in in Him, and you can do all things.

It's ironic how thinking of leaves falling, certain tree's not bearing much fruit and all that fall does to the cycle of plant life...how in all of this, I can't help but meditate on John 15:5, "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing" In this time...I ask God with all my heart that He remain in me as I yearn to remain in Him. Jesus let me produce the good fruit you would have me to...

I want to be used, blessed and molded. Like the changing of the leaves I pray that God stirs and creates a change in me mentally and emotionally. I know He is able. I know He is true to His Word. I know He is just and faithful to His children.

I'm excited for this new season in my life and will be content and happy with where I am at so far. I kept saying, "I'll still find joy and peace 'in the mean time' "...well, this isn't "the mean time" this is IT. This is THE time. Get your act together because this is NOT a dress rehearsal, you only get one shot at life. Every season has its cue's and purpose...I encourage you to take a step back and really observe where you are, what you have come from, see where you need to make changes and ask God to do some heart surgery...fix the brokennessor pain so that you can continue to serve Him..or maybe just begin to. He has equipped you to handle it all, you just have to read the manual ;)

So, I look ahead...I remain in Christ and I work at it all. Getting right. Feeling whole. Finding joy & being used. Because God isn't finished with me yet. I can feel Him working in me...turning over a new leaf...so grateful Lord...

I wrote the back in April on my other (now retired) blog Not Broken (PCOS/Infertility/Life) and I heard this song just now on my Pandora "worship" station...I so needed this reminder...it softened my heart to the things God is doing in my life right now and the place I am now in. I know I have to find joy in everything..even some of THE most heartbreaking parts.

I definately have my moments of weakness...a few have come quite recently..but I still have hope. I still have faith and I still put my trust in the hands of my Saviour, Jesus Christ. God, be my strength...

If you want me to-Ginny Owens...

The pathway is broken/ And the signs are unclear /And I don't know the reason why/ You brought me here/ But just because You love me /the way that You do I'm gonna walk through the valley/ If You want me to

No I'm not who I was /When I took my first step/ And I'm clinging to the promise/ You're not through with me yet /So if all of these trials bring me closer to /You Then I will go through the fire /If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen /When You lead me through a world that's not my home /But You never said it would be easy /You only said I'll never go alone/ So when the whole world turns against me /And I'm all by myself And I can't hear You answer my cries for help/ I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through /And I will go through the darkness/ If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout /Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down /So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you /And I will walk through the valley if you want me to /Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

 

.......

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Psalm 23:4 "These trials are only to test your faith.. It's (faith) being tested as fire tests and purifies gold...." 1 Peter 1:7

I'm content with the way things are. I want to be pregnant again. I'm nervous to get pregnant again. I wish I was pregnant as we speak, big bump and all. On and on it goes in my mind. For the most part lately I have been pretty content.


I know God is working on me still...but man...some days are just heavier than others mentally and emotionally. I was walking through the grocery store Saturday..browsing each aisle to make sure I didn't miss anything and along the way I pass three different pregnant women, 2 couples with babies and one of the little ones...oh he was just beautiful. And there somewhere between trying to decide between Hefty or Ziplock  sandwich bags I caved...just caved.

I lost it. Right there. Just cried my eyes out for a minute or two. And I think God afforded me that moment because maybe He saw my heart, still sensitive to the blairing reminders that I am no longer pregnant. He afforded me that moment alone to let it out, right there in FoodMaxx..the store was packed with busy shoppers on that Saturday..but for those few minutes, He let me be alone. No one came down the aisle, not even to pass by rather than walk through. Its those little moments of grace that I feel God in my life even more these days...

Right now, as I type, Chris is on his iPad on the other couch here in our livingroom youtubing The Godkinz cover The Jonas Brothers' song "a little bit longer". And again, the tears start. It's sort of voicing what I have been feeling, "a little bit longer, and I'll be fine" So I know, I will be fine. I have been fine for the most part. I know, I know...that "technically" isn't a state of anything being "fine". You can say that you are "fine" but really......fine?

Honestly, I am finding contentment and happiness in where God has me. Has us. His plan is perfect. He see's things we cannot. He is God. And having faith in God, also means having faith and trust in His timing. I can't not trust Him. My world would fall a part with out Jesus at the center...completely. Because I have fallen a part, but in my weakness He has been made so strong. I know some people think/say that, "you will never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have." And while this may be true...very true. I have to add...in my weakness, was when I realized just how strong God is...and in that, He gave me strength I could not have on my own. I mean every bit of that. So, sometimes..my desire for what I once had versus my desire to be happy in where I currently am are often one in the same. But I do realize what a blessing it is to still have this life I have. To have my husband and my health. To have had what time we did have with our first pregnancy & baby and the memories and ministering thate has come since all of this..so...my heart is trying to play catch up, I know...

Even though I cannot control my surroundings or other peoples lives. I mean hello, other people in the world WILL get pregnant, will have those announcements, will have babies etc, it can't change my heart or faith or mentality. I am human, I have feelings. I am a woman. I feel those feelings maybe a little too long or too hard...sue me. :)  I guess I just wanted to share all this just to say: it's okay to be human and have feelings and give yourself time to go through the process of healing and recovering from a loss (of any kind). But there does come a time where we allow God to extend His grace-and then times where we buck up, take our thoughts captive and press on.

I just thank God everyday that He loves me like He does, because He is so good to me. He gives me strength I need. He gives me grace when I need it. He just knows me so well.....

I ended up drying my eyes....getting the Ziplock lunch bags, praised the gorgeous little baby boy and his big brown eyes, and walked out of there...just as whole as I walked in :)

xoxo

(the song I mentioned in my blog. beautifully covered in this "raw session")

..mama finished reading Heaven is For Real last night...

It's such a good book..loved the chapter "two sisters". I love how it describes their angel baby as happy and adopted by God (The Father)...and that she cannot wait for her mommy and daddy to get there. I never ever doubted that angel babies like you went to Heaven, that's just something I know. But I did realize that..there..you have such fullness, just like I prayed you would and wrote to you when we wrote our letters to you on that balloon.

There in Heaven with our Savior...you have everything you will ever need. There you will never experience pain. There you will never cry in sadness or hurt. There you will never feel alone or unloved or be dissapointed, discouraged or upset.

There you have love, true joy...peace, comfort...rest, smiles and every good thing. I thank God as I remember the pregnancy, as I remember you and your little heart beating inside me...I thank God that you can be with Him, experiencing all He ever had for you..and you are safe and happy and loved and cared for..

If you are not in my arms..there is no place I would rather you be than Jesus'..resting and thinking of us..singing and worshipping our God. I miss you every.single.day. but know that we are doing good my little love..our hearts are full and glad in Jesus name...we are happy...God is with us too...

I think of you often..I can't wait to see your sweet little face one day..I bet you have my smile and your daddy's eyes...I pray for you still. And I know there in heaven...you can't wait to see us..but you have everything you need...my heart smiles in that..all of me finds comfort and assurance in that simple fact..that there, you have everything you will ever need...

I love you...I love you..I love you...I will know your face when I get there one day...my baby..♥

{listening to: the theif-brooke fraser}

That's what I said as tears flowed down my face this past Saturday..God..."You saved me..."

I meant it in the "right now" sense as far as what Chris and I had gone through with our loss...I gave my life to Christ when I was 12 so I have been "saved" by grace ever since. Saturday though, I meant that God saved me from..well, let me explain..

In working through all the feelings, emotions and physical and mental growth and recovery that comes from losing a pregnancy/baby..I had read countless stories, posts and received emailes of women who just were so lost along with everything else. The depression and grief were just too strong and thus they felt so helpless, hopeless, weak and broken. I was so scared I would somehow end up so wrapped up in all of it that I wouldn't be able to get out. Nothing goes back to normal right away, its natural for things to take some time. But in my reading, research and inquiring posts on message boards, I learned all too well of the pit that waits if we cannot somehow find the strength to..well, be strong. I mean really, in times like that..you are just so desperate to feel in just the tiniest bit of control and hope that the strength you need so badly will soon come..

I remember..in the first couple of weeks, in going to the appointment and finding out we had lost our baby, in just a couple hours after that having to schedule the procedure and then in the days we took to just "be"..I absolutely hated my humanness. Because in that, in my humanness I was acutely aware of the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do.

Nothing.

In my circumstance-in that very moment Chris and I were left alone in the doctors office to just take a few minutes to ourselves before we had to make any decisions. You could just feel the rawness of emotion and even in that sadness, I felt held. Jesus was there with us, holding us and mourning with us. That was the only moment in my entire life that my heart was broken. But I still felt God there..

And in the events that were to follow and the weeks that were to come, we had to put one foot infront of the other and move forward. I felt though, in getting up and getting ready for work..in planning things each weekend and waking each day..some how, I felt like I was doing my baby an injustice. But through my husband, a friend of ours (Natalie Valdez, love you girl!)..and God..they all helped me realize that this was necessary and God was with us. We will never forget that pregnancy and our first baby, we just can't. But with God, we can still honor her--but also start to live life again, try for a baby again, be excited for other people's pregnancies and baby announcements and baby showers again. (now, most of this pertains to me but..you get what I'm trying to say) I think for me, it was harder #1) because I am emotional by nature as a woman..and #2) it was my body that had begun to change and take the shape necessary to take care of the little life inside me..and it was my body that also had to endure everything that came along with no longer being pregnant..and with the recovery. All of that was just a constant reminder for me, and different from the way in which Chris was handling things. And that's okay, thats normal...we are both healing and still, getting better each day.

Yes, some days certain things still sting..I stare at pregnant women some days and others I just bounce my eyes. Certain songs or poems I hear or see grip me like they wouldn't have before. But what I want to get across, and make clear..is that with God, all of this is easier. Easy in the sense that its doable. Moving forward is possible. Having a healed heart, being able to again, find joy in things that would otherwise hurt my heart because of my loss..its all possible with God. I realized that early on..as Chris and I would tell eachother constantly, that God is the same. He is still God. Like he was when we got pregnant. Like He was when the world was right..the world isn't dark and wrong now as far as "our" lives went. And yes, I sat there for hours sometimes in my prayer time just telling God, "you can step in, you can change all of this, you can save us from this." And I all of a sudden realized one day, He could have.

He very well and certainly could do anything. But he didn't. And nothing in me ever felt like God "did this to us" or even "let it happen" to teach us a lesson or build our faith or even punish us. That is not my God. I read in one book that one nurse told the author when she had lost her baby that, "we live in a fallen world"..and we do. This world is not perfect, it isn't even meant for us. Our loss just..happened..and instead our precious baby was born straight into heaven..how amazing. God has His hand over it all, and we trust Him. So when the world says I should expect to feel depressed, sad for months after and still grieve for months to years, that this may cause discord in the marriage, that I will be too emotional to work right or be involved with friends and activities. That this will always be a scar on my heart and in my memory and will make me tense or scared with the next pregancy. I can turn to God's word and hear, " Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers^[a] of this world, rather than from Christ." Col. 2:8 All of those worldly thoughts are carnal and not of God. Because God says that we, "...use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. ⁵ We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."-2 Cor 10:4-5. These weapons only come from using His word to guard and battle with our minds and hearts..when we want to just sit in the sorrow, God's Word reminds us that He has a perfect plan for our lives of fullness and plans to prosper us and not harm or hurt us (Jer 29:11).

And that's what I set to do, it's what I have been working on. To get my mind and heart aligned with God's and be okay with being happy again. Prayer and God's word not only kept me afloat during our loss, now they are ushering me forward with a heart that is healing...better that what the World said could happenor how it could happen or when. And I am just so grateful to God. That he carried us. He continues to carry us...we will not forget our first little love Isa, but we can have joy and peace again and have no guilt or sadness in even thinking about trying for another baby. Because God does intend for us to be his hands and feet in this world, and to live a life of fullness, joy, purpose and to have sound minds in Him. Choosing Christ was the best decision I ever made..he has saved me in every way....

Saved me from eternal pain both after my life ends and while I am still living it..I am not only saved by grace and faith to be able to spend eternity in heaven (Eph 2:8). But also saved in that he rescued me from the depression or fear or sorrow or hard heart I could have easily had if He was not with me. I don't know how I would have done any of this without God and I give Him all the Glory..all of it. On my own I am weak and broken but with Christ I can be whole and filled again! And He is always, always with me..

^"38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:38-39

"And be sure of this; I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matt. 28:20

So, I am happy..I am. I miss my baby everyday..but I remember the pregnancy fondly..I thank God for the little time I had with her..and the short while I carried her, even though it was a tough pregnancy..I loved it still. I will forever love my child..and until I can hold her; Heaven will. She is forever in our hearts..and I hope someday soon, we will be able to giver her a brother or sister...Chris and I are excited to be able to try again in the fall...and we trust completely that God see's things we cannot. He is on the throne, in Heaven..and He see's us. He loves us deeply. He has not changed.

You saved me, Jesus...you saved me..I see the sunlight..I love you...I feel you and I love you...I exalt you God. All I can say is thank you..and I will exalt you..you are my God...

Lately I have had no urge to write..mostly because my mind has been working overtime and I can't quite sort everything out just yet..at least not in an eloquent way...

On top of other things though...a lot of my thoughts are on and with our friends, The Peralta Family. They lost their precious four year old son last weekend (I will leave the cause out of this post out of respect for the family, details aren't needed right now..) but it was sudden for sure...

 They had and were blessed by their beautiful son for four years. I couldn't imagine the pain they were going through..all I knew was that I wanted so badly to be there for them. To do SOMETHING for them..and while they were in another state dealing with all this..all we could do was pray. All any of us could do was pray. But I know, I know in my heart that prayer works..While this family is still dealing with all of this, and in some ways a lot has only just begun...please continue to pray.

And like us, if in any way you ask "what can we do?" #1) pray..earnestly and daily...God's heart is moved when His people cry out to Him, so petition for this family before our God. #2) If you feel like that still isnt enough (to you) and you want to help in any way..I have a way..

Their family has set up a donations fund for the family to deal with very expensive medical costs surrounding all of this. They have set up the Robert Solomon Peralta Memorial Fund.( Acct# 5635377517, Routing #121042882. It's thru Wells Fargo Bank, you can give in person at any Wells, or wire/transfer money from your bank to memorial acct, must give routing # OR you can email me at the email address on the blog avilastoryblog@yahoo.com to see where you can just send/mail a check. All checks made payable to "Robert Solomon Peralta Memorial Fund")

 ^"The whole congregation of believers was united as one—one heart, one mind! They didn't even claim ownership of their own possessions. No one said, "That's mine; you can't have it." They shared everything... And so it turned out that not a person among them was needy. Those who owned fields or houses sold them and brought the price of the sale to the apostles and made an offering of it. The apostles then distributed it according to each person's need." Acts 4:32-35

"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:4

If you ask what you can do..this is what you can do right now..and while this family wouldn't ask themselves, we as their brothers and sisters in Christ are here to bear them up when they do not have the strength. Let us give of what is God's anyway..portioned out for those in need. We are all of one body..let us have the same heartbeat for all His children..and right now, for The Peralta Family..

They are the sweetest, most loving and humble couple. He is an annointed worshipper..so talented and strong in faith..He has led countless into the presence of God with Praise & Worship..she is a beautiful woman of God both inside and out. So sweet and caring..she has watched, played with and cared for many kids as she spent a lot of her time helping in the childrens ministry..and they are both amazing parents. Their two year old daughter, Lil Miss Noah...a gorgeous little fire..so playful..her laugh infectious..her smile contagious. And while this family has contributed to so many over their years in serving others and just being the amazing people they are...being who God has called them to be...will you now offer a hand back....and help?

We love them dearly..and know that God is with them and will deliver them from their pain. Not only because He said He would...

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but God delivers Him out of them all."-Psalm 34:19

"The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; He saves those who have lost all hope."-Psalm 34:18

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."-Isaiah 43:2

But because we  also know..they love God..they are strong in their faith and for eachother. And sometimes I couldn't say these things about myself so others said them for me and about me even in my weakness/brokenness, so now--I stand for them both and declare they are strong and will not be overcome by this. Even when our brokenness has us so low..we know God is close. And little Soloman is with Jesus now..He is in the presence of our precious Saviour, worshipping and playing with the Angels...strong and healthy and full of joy and peace...and He now too..is one more angel above us.. 

So, thats how I know. And we pray now for their healing, restoration, peace and even joy...that no bad thought have place here, we don't allow it.

So...if it is in your heart and within your means to give..anything at all...from the bottom of my heart, I am truly grateful. This is about our friends..and helping them in their time of need. And what you make happen for others, God will make happen for you (Luke 6:38). Come on everyone...lets come together in love and with a heart for His children...our friends in life, or even in spirit if some of you are just readers who I do not know personally...I ask with a humble and solemn heart..will you give? And if anything..I ask that you please continue to pray...thank you, thank you...

And for all of us..for The Peralta Family, for you...

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" -Philippians 4:19

"God gives power to the faint and strengthens the powerless. But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."-Isaiah 40:29-31

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so, so much..for anything you can do..I thank you. God Bless each of you and I pray God see's your blessing upon the Peralta Family..and I know He will honor you back...I pray many blessings over you..and I thank you..with love..I thank you.

xoxoxoxo
-Kris

       

It's been 23 days since we lost our first baby, 17 since we found out we lost her and 14 since we dedicated our angel baby to Christ and said our goodbyes...I sat here counting the days just now and I can't believe it..it hasn't even been that long and in some aspects it feels like its been an eternity...

While I wish so badly that I could've seen her beautiful little face and kiss her tiny hands...held her and felt her breath on my chest as we fell asleep together..snapped pictures of her and Chris cuddling in the Saturday morning sunlight..watch him pray over her each night as he did when she was in my tummy...while I wish with everything in me that we could have had all of that...I know, my precious Isabel is alive and well in heaven and in our hearts...and God is using her life still.

It almost feels crazy to me that in what little time we had with our baby...and the short time its been since she went to heaven...how much God has moved in all of this. While it is such a horrible thing, for a mom and dad to lose their baby, I think, for me at least..the real tragedy would have been all of this happening...us going through the loss, and that be it.

The real tragedy would be going through the loss and it going no further than that. For it all to just be literally "lost". I thank God everyday that even in her short life, Isabel had a purpose and in heaven, she is doing The Lord's work..how beautiful to know that! I thank God that in our pain and weakness He is made so, so strong and He rests with us. He moves in us still even through our brokenness..I look back at the posts I wrote right when everything was going on and its like I tell myself, "what...?" Without Jesus in my life there is NO way I could have done any of that...but God pushed me to use my ability to write..and I did. It felt good. I just prayed that it wouldnt only be an outlet for me...but a tool God would use to minister to others..to encourage others; especially women who have lost a baby..

I am just in awe of how God works..how His purpose for our baby is still being lived out and always will be..How God does what He says He will do...

^"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."-Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

Like Chris has told me before, "God already has it all worked out". He does. His word is true. His heart is good and whatever we offer to Him..He will use it. I just love that. My heart sometimes can only hang on this verse because I am weak. But God is so merciful and gives grace and comfort to His children in their time of need...To know that He keeps me present before God Himself is so vital to every part of me because there were and still are times I am just too beyond myself to bring myself before God...but then the prayers of others help to usher me forward...the knowing that God is here keeps me there...and knowing that Jesus Christ keeps me present before God. He can never leave..He has been with us always..

So, even in our mess...God brings beauty in..and while our baby is in heaven and we are here to remember and always love her...we are also here to take care of Kingdom business and shine Christ..even in our darkest times..

So, to my precious Isa...look mamita..look what your little life has brought forth...see the fruit! I am so proud to be your mama... :) :

"I've been reading your blog, Kristina. It is truly amazing. Every post has made me cry -whether good tears, sad tears or hopeful tears- Your words touch my heart in such a way, I cannot expain. Your love for God, Chris and Isabel is extraordinary. You are a beautiful woman of God. You inspire me."Kayla, Facebook

........................................................................................

"How beautiful. what a wonderful way to honor your first child. May God continue to bless you and give you those much needed times of refreshing in this tough time. Your faith inspires me and honors Him... "poster from The Bump.com

........................................................................................

"I just wanted to say after reading your blog post that you guys are an incredible testimony and I know God is and will use this for His glory. My prayers are with you both."-poster from TheBump.com

........................................................................................

"I hope you do not mind but i have been reading your blog lately and i really enjoy reading it. You really inspire me to heal in this time of sadness and i wanted to thank you for sharing it..."-poster from, TheBump.com

.......................................................................................

 "I read through your blog and I also have PCOS pretty bad myself. Your blog is very inspiring, and I have lost a lot of my faith in God since having 4 miscarriages. By reading through I have gotten through my 'hate' of God and my anger, and I wanted to thank you."-poster from TheBump.com

......................................................................................

"Your post moved me and I felt like I needed to contact you. I am so sorry for your loss and I thought it was so sweet that you dedicated your first baby to God. I share your faith in Jesus and know he is carrying and weeping with you and your husband."-poster from TheBump.com

......................................................................................

  "I just read your blog and the tears are flowing.. I'm so touched by your grace and faith. You are an amazing woman, wife and mother. I'd like to share that i had a missed miscarriage 6 months before concieving Carlitos. It was devastating to learn as you did of my baby's passing via ultrasound and you described so beautifully how i felt. But what you have also done is reaffirmed my faith that my baby--our babies--are with Jesus and waiting for us. As a new believer, I haven't really dealt with that miscarriage 3 and 1/2 years ago and now God has allowed me to embrace my baby and see that she/he is there--waiting for me. Thank you for letting me see this truth and please know that you are a light for people like me.. I love you and am praying for you, Chris and baby Avila..."-email from a friend on FB

......................................................................................

"I stumbled across your blog in your signature when I was looking for answers on this board yesterday. I was trying to read as much as I could to figure out what was going on with me. I think your blog is beautiful. You are honoring God and bringing glory to His name by the way you live your life."-poster from, TheBump.com

.......................................................................................

I kept most of these anonymous obviously to guard and respect those who posted these words...but wow..Praise God...Thank you Jesus that you have turned this for your good...that our babies life still goes on...and that in the end...there is Glory brought to your name..and I just want the world to know...I really had nothing to do with any of this...my fingers did the typing..but all of this...was all God..and the fruit of Jesus in our lives..

Thank you God ....thank you that we can feel you in everything and that you never leave our lives. Even in the mystery of who you are...you show yourself to us so clear sometimes..we want to live in you God...search our hearts and bring healing and restoration..make us whole again..and while we will never forget the beautiful life of our baby(ies) in heaven or whatever struggle we may be in...we will allow ourselves to move ahead and stay in your plan...we invite you God, to start a work or continue the one you have started in each of us...Oh God...you are beyond anything we could comprehend or describe and sometimes our words do not do justice to who you really are...but we love you. Shine your light God...in the darkest parts of our life and allow us to see you working even in our pain...give us the strength to be used..we trust you God..we breathe you in...we love you. We declare it...in Jesus name...

The night before our 12 wk appointment, I had a dream that in the appointment they told us we were having a girl. When I woke up the next morning...I was a little perplexed. I knew it was just a dream and that at a 12 week appointment that is just too soon to learn the sex of the baby.Either way, it made me smile and I took it for what it was...a dream.

Flash forward to 2:00 pm that Tuesday afternoon and we find that we lost our baby and the chaos ensues. That night, I had no dream...I dont even remember sleeping, I was too nervous for the next morning...


That next morning, Wednesday, was the procedure and that night, I dreamt of a baby girl. She was an infant. She was all bundled up in pink onesie-long sleeve pajama's with the little feetsie bottoms, asleep and as peacful as ever. We were sitting in the bedroom and then I hand her off to Chris, he takes her into the living room where friends and family are, we all hang out...she wakes and I even nurse her (something I have obviously never done in real life). It was so surreal, so strange and so amazing all at the same time. But for some reason...I never caught a real glimpse of her little face. I remember gazing at her in my dream, just staring in awe at this baby girl..and yet when I woke..for the LIFE of me, I couldn't remember her face..but it was still an amazing dream. I didn't feel tortured by it, but rather somewhat comforted.

The next night, Thursday night...another dream. Only this time, she was a toddler. I'd say about 11 months or so. Running around all cute! In my dream, we were at this big event and Chris had just finished speaking and I was back stage with our daughter..she was dancing and running in circles, wearing jeans, gold ballet flats and a bright pink hoodie. She had short wavy/curly brown hair with a cute little flower clip holding her hair out of her face, just off to the side. Chris comes running down the corridor and swoops her up, you know-the way you do when you swing the child in the air and make them squeal with shear panic and joy! :)

He held her as we talked to other people backstage...she twirled her hair with her little fingers and giggled incessantly as daddy tickled her in between laughing with friends and conversing. But again, sadly I woke up and it was over. And again...I could not make out or remember her face. It was like that movie, Inception. Where his kids are there yet he cannot make out their faces but he knows his children. And she knew me...she knew my voice..she loved her daddy and just adored him...it was the best dream...and in that dream she had a name...

And her name, was Isabel.

We called her "Isa" for short sometimes, I remember that..but Isabel altogether.

Isabel.

When I was pregnant, Chris and I talked about names we liked and this one never really came up..In going through the loss, procedure and what was to follow, Chris had told me that in that time, he had prayed to  God, that He would help us with some identity for the baby we lost.. anything. But I had the dream about the doctor telling us we were having a girl before Chris prayed any of this...but after his prayers...in my dreams I had her for a while..and her name, her name was Isabel. I didn't tell Chris about any of this until the week after the loss...I think I still needed time to process it all and make sure I wasn't going crazy! Now, people may think I am insane or just too wrapped up still in the loss..but let me tell you. I know within my heart..that God heard our cries in the middle of our pain and answered that prayer. Yes, I think God can do this..and I know He did..without a shadow of a doubt, I believe that God not only let us know our baby was a girl...but He loved us enough to go one step further..and He named her.

Back to Friday of that week, Chris and I went to Half Moon Bay and dedicated and released "Baby Avila" to Christ and had our day together. It was a great day..we needed that. Then, the next day, before I knew it--I woke up..and realized..no dream. I hadn't had another, and I haven't had another since then. But when I stop, and think..about the dreams, about the timing..about it all. I smile. My heart smiles. It gives me such peace. I long for another dream like the ones I had that week, but I think God gave me all that I needed. He settled my heart about knowing my child since we never got to meet her and he answered Chris' prayers too..and this meant the world to him. To both of us.

I decided to make a short scrapbook for her of what we had so far through the pregnancy...pictures of the positive home pregnancy tests, of the little bump I had so far and of the two ultrasound pictures we had. Pictures of each of us and of the day we dedicated her at the beach, and journal entries I had so far about the pregnancy. It's not a lot as far as quantity..but when I think about how much it all meant to us..I can't just throw it all away or shove it in a box. We have a baby...and though she is not in our arms, she is forever in our hearts..and we are already mom & dad, just to an angel baby.

Since telling Chris, we have both found peace and joy in this :) I thought it would be nice to give her a full name..and so, upon Chris' approval, her middle name is Justine. It's my mom's middle name and then it was given to me as my middle name..and so, Isabel Justine...

"Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you.  Before you saw the light of day, I had Holy plans for you..."-Jeremiah 1:5 (The Message)

Isabel Justine Avila

I like it. Thank you God, for allowing me to have a husband who would even think to pray for this..and thank you for loving us enough..to do this for us..we love you Lord. We are grateful. God is just so good to us. :) We love you Isa...xoxo

Psalm 91

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
³ Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
⁹ If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
¹⁴ “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

I have to be honest..in working through this I did still find some day to still be so hard..and while I had set my baby in the hands of Jesus..and we dedicated her to Christ..I still felt the emptiness.

It amazes me how immediate, deep and overflowing..the love I have for my child. I didn't even meet her face to face and yet how much I miss her..I can't even explain. But I know she is in heaven, resting with The King of Kings..the one who comforts mommy & daddy..and in heaven..she is also there with her Grandma (Chris' mom) & Grandpa (my dad's dad) :)

Currently, the doctor thinks I have finally finished miscarrying...my body should start to go back to normal and soon it will all seem better. Right now though, I know my hormones are the biggest battle. I was told, I could feel deep sadness and even slight depression, simply due to the hormonal imbalance and shift that comes when the body tries to stabalize the hormones after the loss...

Even after the loss, my body still thought I was pregnant..I actually had to have a procedure to dialate me and pills to induce contractions..the physical aspect was just..painful and now with all of that done for good I hope..I am left to recover not only physically, but emotionally and even mentally.

I am not here to...dwell on the pain, though..because God's word says I AM made whole. And no matter what the doctors say..I dont want to live my days expecting more pain and sadness or even depression, I dont claim any of this for me. I will not have it. Because I know God has called my body to wholeness and he has begun a work He intends to finish. I know that my beautiful baby is in heaven and in the presence of our Saviour...How amazing is it..that she felt no pain and even looked as if she was sleeping in her last ultrasound. And even though she was with us for 11 short weeks..she is now in eternity in the presence of angels and our Heavenly Father..what a comfort to know that not only did the pregnancy boost our faith and the faith of others, but while she is there in heaven..her little life is still touching others.

I have had women message me that they too have had losses..and one, even after almost four years and having a son who is now 3 1/2..she had not dealt with the loss, and since reading the blog, and how we have taken steps to try to honor God through all this and honor the short life of our first baby..she has been able to find comfort and peace finally.. Praise God...Praise you Lord....

You see, in the toughest times..we try to reason "why"...and I can say, that even if I had some solid or spiritual reasoning as to why we have had to endure this...it will not change what has happened, nor will it change the fact that we still LOVE our God..or the fact that we still want children..

So when I am told, to expect pain both in the physical and emotional..to expect feelings of depression...I nod and take a deep breath. I realize what this world has to say regarding what to expect with the loss..thats fine. But I serve a God who said He would be with me..near to me and comfort me.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"-Psalm 34:18

A God who's Word says He was wounded and broken so that I may be made whole. A God who's scars will heal mine..and who said He is here to heal us..because He is the only potter to fix what has been broken..

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"-Psalm 147:3

He is with us even in our deepest need..we are NEVER alone..

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."-Isaiah 43:2

And be sure of this; I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matthew 28:20

And not only will he be with us..in our pain and time of great need..He will deliver and protect us..


"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but God delivers Him out of them all."-Psalm 34:19

"Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you and you will honor me."-Psalm 50:22


So even though the World says to continue to expect pain, God said He would heal me. And I can trust His Word..

"For no Word from God will ever fail."-Luke 1:37

And after all this.. God continues to show us His unfailing love..a love we cannot earn but one He freely gives. Not only does he lay with us and weep when we weep..and hurt when we hurt..He delivers and protects us..He comforts us..and is allows us to put all of us in Him

"And so Lord, where do I put hope? My only hope is in you."-Psalm 39:7

He refines us..He purifies us..

"These trials are only to test your faith.. It's (faith) being tested as fire tests and purifies gold...." 1 Peter 1:7

And then...we come out, stronger that ever..


God gives power to the faint and strengthens the powerless. But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."-Isaiah 40:29-31

That is the God we serve. He loves us deeply..He never leaves us..I am beyond grateful, that this is the kind of God we have..

God in Heaven...we recognize today that you are still on the throne. You are above all else, you see things in ways we cannot and we bring Glory to you Father. In our deepest need, God-rescue us from the waters we see no way out of. Change our hearts and minds God to the things of YOU. We love you Lord..We worship you..You alone are God. We trust you..we declare healing over us, physically, mentally and emotionally...we know you are here God so help us to draw near to you..we yearn to feel you Jesus. Wrap us in your mighty arms of love and hold us as we weep. Then, God...renew our joy once again..bring your Holy Spirit to move upon us..so that we may move on behalf of you. Continue to show us your Will while we wait on you.

Jesus I thank you right now..for the babies you have for us..ready for us to love and kiss and hold. I thank you for the children to come, that they are healthy and strong. Thank you that you see them now and they are blessed and healthy..that the conception will be perfect and whole..your works are wonderful God and there are many more to come--your hand does not fail or miss..you have formed their every part and your works are perfect..your righteousness and perfection prevail beyond the pain. You make no mistake God, we trust you and know that in our weakness, you are made strong and so we reside in you. We thank you for all the blessings we have God, including eachother..and most of all God..we thank you..that we still have you...and you are so Good..

This morning I woke up..the sun bright in our room. I felt somewhat rested for a change..and almost by habit I reached down and gently rubbed by belly to say goodmorning. For a second...I forgot...and then almost immediately I realized the loss all over again..slowly the warm tears streamed down the sides of my face and  today I feel it more than ever...my baby is not here anymore..

Tuesday was our 12 week appointment..there we were due to hear that strong heartbeat again just like we did at our 6 week appointment in June. Chris of course came along and and just before doctor squirted the gel on my growing tummy she felt around and showed me where my uterus was..how it had indeed grown and was right where it should be at 12 weeks. She then applied the cool gel and the doppler, turned it on and searched..

My heartbeat came right away..and then she moved. Mine again..then..again, just mine..she said sometimes at 12 wks its hard to tell and so an ultrasound will show the heartbeat and baby since sometimes the little one is just further back inside me. Chris' face still looked so excited and expectant..which killed me inside. Becuase by this time I already felt this pit in my stomach and the tears started to flow almost uncontrollably..She called for the ultrasound machine, searched on my belly and the picture became visable..I knew instantly...

I had searched and seen what felt like hundreds of 12 wk ultrasound pictures and videos and I knew by this time we should see the baby moving around and it would look like a baby, with a cute little profile and everything. And the images infront of us showed a baby smaller and less defined than I knew it should have been, and no movement at all. I couldn't see the heart flicker or pumping like before..we heard nothing..our precious baby had already gone to be with Jesus last Wednesday at 11 wks 4 days...s/he was just...sleeping it looked like..

Chris continued to pray over me right there in the doctors office, we prayed and asked God to please just wake him up...wake up our child..let him turn over so we can see what we yearned to see. Another doctor came in to verify with an internal ultrasound..by now this was the 3rd one we had that day..and we knew that was it...it was all over and yet just beginning something new all at the same time..our baby left us last week and yet I felt as if it had just been taken from me in the last hour..

The doctors left us alone for a while..I felt nothing in that room but despair. Loss. Such sadness. We cried together, we prayed and fell silent. After, I was sent for bloodwork and to pick up prescriptions for the procedure I was to have done the next morning to remove the pregnancy. After 3 hours of being at Kaiser we were finally able to go home...family and friends came over to offer support and buy us dinner. I was surprisingly...strong and at peace almost...I know that only God could do that at a time like this.

The next morning I woke up around 4:15 am with extremely painful cramping for over an hour and thought my body might be doing what it needed to on its own finally but after a while they stopped and I tried to go back to sleep until the alarm was to go off. I took the valium at 8:30 as instructed and before I knew it we were off to kaiser for a D&C My mom and step dad were there waiting for us. I was so drowsy but painfully aware of what was going on..praying in my heart for God to please be with us now more than ever.. we checked in..prayed and I gave Chris one last kiss and went back to the room alone. I wanted to do it alone. I felt okay to do it alone and didn't want to put anyone else through the procedure too as I knew I would be awake..

I wont go into detail with the procedure at all. I'll only say it was me, the doctor and the sweetest, strongest nurse with me in the room..I will never forget the pain or procedure...I will never forget laying there as the doctor started..and me telling my baby how sorry I was..how much I loved and missed him/her...how sorry I was mommy couldn't protect him/her and how much I promised, I promise I will love you forever.. I know it wasn't my fault..I know the miscarriage was a result of nothing I did at all...but sometimes I just cant help it..it felt like forever..I had my iPod in and tried to listen to worship during it all..then finally..it was over

We were finally able to leave...I was still in a lot of pain for a few hours after the procedure, even with an extra shot of pain medication before we left Kaiser..Chris, my mom, step dad and sister were all with me the rest of the day and I thank God for their support. My mom is amazing..so caring and such a giver..and my sister and step-dad are an awesome support. My dad also came by and visited.. And Chris, my amazing husband...he is taking such good care of me..even through dealing with all of this in a way only he can, he also has to take care of his wife...and he is doing amazing. Trials like this show me who he really is..what he is truly made of..I could not do this without him..the love I am have for him just grows deeper each second and I know together..we can get through this.

In those past two days I felt strong. I felt peace. I even smiled a few times and talked to people. The kind words, support, love and prayers we have received via email, text, facebook, and calls has just been so, so amazing. We are so grateful for it all..truly..I can feel the prayers working..

I know it will take time to heal..even past the physical. I know some days will be harder than others. I know it's okay to be broken and sad and even angry..but I also know we serve a big God. A God who loves us deeply..a God who has not left us. I don't know why after struggling to get pregnant we finally do only to have it taken from us...for us to only to be put through the most painful experience emotionally and physically I have ever been through..why? I don't know why..why did we testified to the miracle of this pregnancy in front of our entire churn only to now have to explain the loss.. I don't know..I feel so lost and heartbroken.

But I have to trust...we have to trust and find comfort in His plan. Jesus guide us. I know you are here..I can't figure any of this out..and I know you know how much we stepped out in faith and wanted this baby...so for now..just sit with us..we still love you with all our hearts..

Lord, in the meantime..take care of our precious baby...tell him/her about mama and daddy..we love you baby Avila...we have always loved you..I knew you in my dreams. We will always love you..find joy my little one as you lay with Jesus..we will see you one day my love...mama loves you..

" And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of ages."-Matthew 28:20

We do not lose faith or hope. We do not grow bitter or distant. We trust in you Oh God..guide us through this time, bless those who have been there for us. Heal our hearts, minds, bodies and spirits..grieve with us and lead us to peace and joy once again. Oh Jesus..wrap us in your loving arms. Hold us as we sleep..let us grow closer together and let us not grow too weary. God heal us. Mend us. Give us wisdom and strengthen our minds against the enemy. And most of all..we Praise you for who you are. We worship you still..with heavy hearts and tear filled eyes..we still rejoice in the fact that you are GOOD. You have not left us..and we just ask that you remain at the center. We love you Lord..We Love You.