Within the last few weeks I have been able to feel our precious baby girl move more and more...

I skipped those ever-so-delicate "flutters". The first time I felt her it was an obvious yet gentle (but unmistakable) thump...as if to say, "Hey mom! I'm in here!"...granted...sometimes her using my cervix or bladder as a punching bag is not so adorable...but every.single.movement is a sweet and evey humbling reminder that we are pregnant with this amazing little miracle....it's a sweet reminder of God's grace in our life. I've heard "grace" described as having something which one does not deserve...unmerited or special favor...

I can tell you this much...having been on the road we have to get to this point- it would be easy to say, "You know what? We deserve this. We have tried for a while. We were so close twice before. I am owed this." But let me tell you.....understanding how fleeting and altogether fragile life is; and understanding who God is and how His heart beats for us..it just is impossible to seem entitled. I am learning to accept God's grace in my life...It is easy to get haughty and entitled when we have been through tough times and then BAM-finally, we get our break....

Yes, that would be easy for me to say or think....but I just can't. God has blessed us with this amazing, perfect, unexpected and unexplainably humbling miracle baby named Mayah...and what better way to pay homage to that which we do not deserve...that which is exceptional and good...God's grace in our life and His grace that display's itself at this moment as the baby girl thriving within me...

... Mayah Grace Avila ...

 

 

She will be Mayah Grace...that middle name we couldn't decide on for while just began to register with our spirit...She is already such an example of God's grace in our life..his favor and mercy...

 

I know I do not deserve her...I am a sinner and act foolish just like everyone else. And I don't know everything about her yet...I don'tknow much at all really. But I know she will be a fiercely passionate & loving force to be reckoned with...and for the rest of my life..I will live every day in an attempt to show God just how grateful we are for Miss Mayah...even now, most days-I am overwhelmed by just how real and present all of this really is...I really cannot describe how amazing this is...how grateful we are...Thank you Jesus..

 

...We are so in love...I can't wait to see her beautiful face....

 

 

"Out of His fullness we have received grace..." John 1:16

...

Glorious-Bryan & Katie Torwalt

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

week 16

 

...no cravings still..

...yes still loving the ice water...

...baby is now the size of an avocado or about 4 inches long!...

...I cannot stand the smell of popcorn-can't do it. nope...

{i just heard thunder outside..lost my train of thought..i hate thunder!}

...anyway...

...nope...lost it....

 

 

 

 

These last couple of weeks I have really been allowing myself to feel pregnant in every sense, including mentally and emotionally. I think with the previous losses last year and just the anxiousness and worry that comes along with a normal pregnancy alone-it all held me back a little bit. I will say though that I was never fearful this time around-not really...no...

 

While losing two pregnancies and ultimately two babies months a part in one year was enough to make me think its time to "take a break" and more than enough to truly terrify me of another pregnancy. But once I realized I was pregnant this year in June.....I wasn't afraid. I think going through those losses helped me to realize just how sovereign God is and how much things are just not in my hands. Now-I'm not going to say "God allows this or that" or "he lets this or that happen yadda yadda"-I am not God, how would I know? But I do know that no matter what ends up happening-God is above it all, he is in control. He knows my heart and desires and he loves me deeply. He has Chris and I in the palm of his hands and while the losses were the worst times in my life-they didn't last for forever. I miss by babies and wonder what could have been sometimes-but I know that if they aren't with me-the fact that they are in Jesus' arms comfort me none the less. And really-we made it out okay and our faith was stronger after each experience...somehow this time around too I knew *if*....IF......if sometheing were to happen, yes my heart would hurt but eventually we would be alright. I begged God to let us have this baby..I pleaded with him...I cried out to him with each little cramp I had...I wasn't expecting to lose this one like I thought I would-I just really really wanted to have a long and healthy pregnancy. I wanted to bring a baby home. I wanted that empty guest room to finally be a nursery. I wanted to hold my child. So while I had no fear and I knew God had already given me this miracle; I decided I would enjoy this for however long it lasts. I would tell myself, "today you are pregnant, and today you love your baby."  I was. And I did.

 

I know for some people this all may sound dramatic or even a little jaded or hint of cynicism-but being pregnant after losses is not a cake walk people. However-and this is a BIG however-my relationship with Christ has never been more important to me and I know God has pulled me through and above the fear, worry & anxiety that would have probably clouded my pregnancy (normally). He had mercy on my nerves and showed grace to my heart...and so I chose to finally recieve it and celebrate this baby and this pregnacy.

 

So I am sorry if I post too many "bump" pictures or if your news feed is clogged with "baby" this or "craving" that--this is just a true and evident miracle in my life and I want to shout it to the world! To God be the Glory and thank you to my husband for being an amazing partner in this journey already...

 

I know me getting sick, not being able to eat much, losing weight, hating the smell of his beloved late night snack (popcorn) and the irritability (alredady) hasn't been easy on me or Chris--but he's been pretty darn great thus far and I love you babe...  Do I sometimes just want to punch you "accidentally" as you slumber away perfectly while I lay awake at night with heartburn & acid reflux tossing and turning? Suuuurrre.....sometimes. BUT-I don't. Because I love you. Because I am grateful for you. And because you probably wouldn't wake up anyway...

 

Anyway..

 

So here is to 16 weeks so far of a healthy pregnancy! Baby is doing great and soon enough we will know whether this little bambino is a boy or girl!!

 

 

"This is exactly what I am supposed to be doing."

That is what I thought to myself last night as I stood before 30 junior high girls. We had an awesome worship set, a special, God gave me a message about making certain right choices and then we had ministry time at the altar. Through out the message I encouraged the girls that either you CHOOSE or you LOSE. We challenged them to choose purity in all forms (how they think, what they look at, how they talk, dress and within the area of boys). We challenged them to choose love eachother, both friends and strangers and girls of all shapes, sizes and backgrounds. We challenged them to choose to love themselves. And we challeged the to choose Jesus. Because all of the stuff before it can all sound really nice..but without Jesus in their hearts, all that goodness falls by the wayside.

Some of the girls made first time decisions and gave their hearts to Jesus last night. A few others realized they  needed to get back up and walk the path they know God has for them...many of them had already made that decision.

Then, when they know personally who we are sharing from...well then it all can start to make sense. So as we prayed...as the sweet song sung by Kari Jobe "My Beloved" played...as these precious young ladies fell to their knee's and sobbed from the pain of self loathing, low self esteem, a heart check and so much more...I stood there...

Did you know that in a survey of girls in America aged 13-17, 43% of them said they would compromise themselves for their boyfriend? Did you know that one survey found that in girls aged 9-10, 40% of them have tried to lose weight? Did you know that in our country, 53% of 13 year old girls are unhappy with their bodies? Did you know that 93% if teenage girls wish they could change something about their bodies? Did you also know that only 2% of American teenage girls consider themselves beautiful?

TWO percent.

Wait-you didn't know? Neither did I. I mean I knew I definitely had self esteem issues growing up. I knew that I was teased and outright treated like I was invisible all through junior high. I knew that most of my sixth grade year was spent eating my lunch alone in the bathroom or in my english teachers class as she graded papers. I knew that I constantly volunteered to do certain group projects alone before we could even pick partners because most of the time, I was left to just be assigned by my teacher to a group. I knew the pain I had experienced. I also knew some of them had some issues with self-image. Why then was I beyond oblivious and quite honestly "too busy" to care?

My heart broke...it just fell to a million little pieces. I was so convicted by my apathy. Surely these girls get some encouragement from their parents? Surely they feel our love when we say hello or give them a big hug when we see them in service. Yea...yea..they are fine.

Can I tell you something? The kids are not alright.

As we had our altar time, as my women leaders made their way through to pray for each girl...I tried to pray and my voice cracked, my heart pounded and I felt so hot all over. I felt their pain. I saw the tears stream from their eyes, I saw their hands clenched together as they prayed that God would heal their hearts and minds...I saw as their bodies jerked from crying as a leader layed hands and poured love and prayer over them...

God did heart surgery and he helped trasnform minds last night. We declared out loud that we CHOOSE life. We CHOOSE purity of the mind, body and spirit. We CHOOSE to love eachother and to love ourselves for EXACTLY who we are...and we CHOOSE JESUS...above all we choose Jesus...

The songs kept playing...they girls prayed over eachother. They embraced eachother and began to tell eachother they were beautiful and a perfect creation. They left it all there...here is what some of them said in their promises they wrote down to leave at the altar :

"I choose purity in all forms. I think if I do that then I will really be able to accept Jesus' truths and I will learn to love myself."

"Sometimes I feel like I am not pretty because I am not skinny. But now I will accept myself for who I am because GOD made me and I love Him."

"I need to choose to love my face and my body."

"I choose Jesus."

"I was bullied, so now I bully. But I need help in my attitude. To not judge. To accept myself too and not gossip. To let people (girls) into my life."

"I choose to love others, I struggle with friends."

"I choose Jesus. I don't like certain things about me. I need to learn that God made me perfect. I am not a mistake"

"To not focus on my weight. I need to love myself. And love God more."

"I need to choose to love myself and stop thinking I am not a regular girl. I need to learn I am made perfect in God's eyes"

There are so many more...but as I stood there...as I saw them lay these little stickie notes down with their promises on them at the altar...I couldn't help my cry with them. To hug them. To pull their hair back and whipe their tears. And all I thought was, "This is exactly what I am supposed to be doing." Not so much in the sense that I feel called to be a minister..but it's that I love these girls. I-and every other woman should be pouring into the younger generations. Offering to help teach God's word and truth to them. They are so bombarded with just junk. They need encouragement, they need affirmation, they need love...

God just moved so big in them last night. I believe he opened their eyes to a lot, even things about themselves that it can be really hard to face. To God be ALL the glory for last night...in no way, shape or form could I have drummed any of that up....I am so, so, so grateful to God that he gave us all the opportunity to come together-just the ladies....so grateful. They left feeling lighter, smiling a little bigger and with arms wrapped around eachother...so awesome..God is so good.

We are not done. Oh no...far from it...this is just the beginning...these girls are ready for more...

Kari Jobe-My Beloved

(such a beautiful song)

When I am hungry..like "starving" (I don't really know what it's like to starve thank you Jesus...maybe we all use this term TOO loosely but..you know what I mean)...when I am THAT hungry..everything changes. I feel anxious and irritated. My stomach turns and growls with unrest..I feel weak and desperate for SOMETHING to stuff my mouth with..anything! I want immediate satisfaction and that "full" feeling. Please, just help me to not feel hungry, feed me! I am the most irritable person when I am hungry (and you dont even WANT to add tired to THAT mix!)....ask my husband. :)

It's amazing how feeling that hungry changes who I am in a sense. It changes how I feel physically and emotionally and it can even affect how I function mentally. It also changes how I may curb that hunger. If I keep up on my 5 small meals a day like I am supposed to, if I keep myself nourished with the RIGHT foods like I am supposed to....I will be just fine. I will be at my best when I put the best in. That's just how it works.

But if I wait. If I go too long without eating. It's all off. Everything. Until I finally eat, that is. And in that moment of hunger I can choose to take the time to prepare or grab something nourishing, healthy and filling.. orI can choose stave off hunger for about another 20 minutes with a piece of toast or an apple, when what I really should do is just eat a meal! Both foods are not terrible, they just aren't what I need to satisfy the deep hunger.

I read recently on someones face book.."If you skip a few days of reading your Bible, you shouldn't feel guilty, you should feel hungry." And I just stopped for a second and realized. I have felt guilty. Real guilt for not getting into my word. I have felt that. But hungry...wait...hmm..

Guilt caused me to feel something; but that was easy to rub off. If I skip a meal and soothe the hunger panges with a piece of coffee cake I'd feel guilty for sure. Guilty for skipping the meal because I know I shouldn't, I know I need to take better care of myself. And then I would just feel the hunger again sooner than if I were to have just eaten the right food.

It's the same with our Word. If I go a day or two or weeks without getting into my Word, hunger is what I really should feel. Because feeling guilty will not cause me to seek out my Bible and a quiet place. Guilt is momentary and it will cause me to just youtube a sermon or play that Christian CD on the way home rather than listening to Salsa. In the same way I might just slam a piece of coffee cake to make up for not eating, there are often things I do to just give my ego or consience a quick fix for not getting into my word.

Don't get me wrong, being fed via a powerful sermon, annointed worship or even a good inspirational read are all ways to tap into God. But let me say it clear: there is no substitute or equal to God's Word. Nothing will truly satisfy your soul the way His Word will. Your spirit know's what it needs...it's up to us how and when we feed it.

When you have tasted the goodness of what we can consume, and when your body knows what you need, you crave it. You hunger for it just like you should and like you need to. When you have gotten into your Bible, when you have experienced how amazing God is and how faithful His word really is, you crave that goodness and you hunger for what your spirit needs.

And I have realized...the "guilt" I feel should motivate me, to further realize it is the hunger of my spirit that I am feeling. I need to keep myself NOURISHED off of that good meat I find in The Word. Don't be fooled...it is hunger you should feel. I am guilty of putting of my quiet time with The Lord. But I have found just how essential the Bible is for my life. People often say that God doesn't "speak" to them. To that we say, read your Word. He wrote it just for you, for your life. Every word on each precious page is inspired by God himself. It is your love letter, road map, life manual, reference point and instructional read. Delve in, ask that God give you a righteous and true hunger for his Word. Soon enough, the hunger will be constant. Because you have gotten a taste of the good stuff and you will always want more. You can never get enough!!

Ways to help you succeed in that are to find a devotional/bible study that guides you daily. If you have a smart phone there are reading plans you can access 24/7. One app my husband turned me onto: The Holy Bible (The YouVersion Bible App) has some awesome reading plans. Some will even take you through the entire bible once or some even several times in a year. And if that all even seems too daunting for you, then for starters, find the book of Matthew and go right.

The revelation, knowledge and intimacy you will experience from God's Word is unlike any other. It will add to your life beyond measure and impact who you are to the core. I encourage you...dive in, soak it up and nourish yourself. Let the hunger drive you to maintain that healthy diet of reading your Bible.

xo

Here are some of my favorite insiprational printables/quotes I found online (pkay, okay....on Pinterest really..lol) Just for you!! Enjoy!

I just *love* this picture...I want to hang it in my home :) So pure!

Yes!

This is my desktop on my computer at work! (tiled) :)

I want this blow up and hung in my home!

I remind myself of this all time time...xo

Amen!!

HOLLA!

Aren't these great?! Of course, nothing substitutes for what scripture can bring...I just like these too!!

xo

Kris

More than life-Hillsong

Stand by everything You said
Stand by the promises we made
Let go of everything I 've done
I'll run into Your open arms
And all I know

I love You more than life
I love You more than life

Fall back on everything You've done
Fall back on everlasting arms
When all the world is swept away
You are all the things I need
You're the air I breathe

How can it be
You were the one on the cross
Lifted for all our shame?
How can it be
The scars in Your hands are for me?
You are the king of all

This song brings back so many great memories of when my faith was newly growing and budding. Just being prepped...to get ready for the trials I would later face. And I just love how in love with God I was then and how much my walk has come since that time...

The words in this song just...gosh..are so sobering. I do..I love Him more than life. And although my actions might not always show it.. due to my lack of getting in my word daily or pressing in more and more..but..I do..I love Him. Jesus is the best thing that ever, ever happened to me. I don't deserve anything He gives me...and yet, here I am. Alive and breathing.

I just wanna sing this song all day...I feel God's arms around me...love it...

 

(Here are a few more songs from this album that I loved:)

Take All of Me.

 

Where the love lasts forever.

Always.

 

There are sooo many more...check out the entire album on Amazon.com.

 

 

 

It's about 87 degree's out and summer is coming to an official (calendar) end this week...

It doesn't feel like fall is around the bend but I know that in no time, it will be October..and I'm relieved. I've said it before, I feel like I am ready for fall. I love each season in its own way, and fall for me this year just feels like it is the end to a crazy year...

Now, perhaps this thinking is somewhat carnal in that God is the one to bring the true [spritual] 'seasons' in our lives...however, with the actual changing of the seasons, I think my mind will recognize it all the more. Because in that, I can physically see the transition in the leaves and sky. I will begin to feel the crispness in the air and sniff out the smokey scent that fall fireplaces bring. Soon the tree's will be bare and the moist grass strewn with the rainbow of Autumn. And I will look to the cloudy, amber sunsets and think of the year that has come and gone so quickly. In that moment of bittersweet rememberance of the events that unfolded this year...I can still thank God for everything..He still deserves all my praise and thanks..

Because no matter where I was physically and where my heart broke at times, God was always there to love me, to hold me, to sharpen me and mold me. I never in my wildest imagination would have ever thought this year (or any other for that matter) would have gone the way it did. Are there things I would have changed? In my simple mind, yes. Am I going to sit here and tell God he slipped up on this one, never.

You see the thing about this whole "God" thing is that although life doesn't become easier, it does become doable and you find joy, peace on confidence in ways you would never have without Christ in your life. Just because I pray a prayer doesn't mean I get that "get-out-of-jail-free" card. But let me tell you something, and I want you to listen with your heart...having Christ in my life, was the best decision I have ever, EVER, ever made...life may not get easier, but the strength through Christ that you gain allows you & affords you the opportunity to not just 'get through' things. Rather what you gain in Christ, it all carries you above the storms. And the peace in it all is...beyond anything I can describe. It boils down to this: when you try to do it right, with God, by God..He honors that. I know, that everything I have been through so far in my 24 years of life has made me the person I am today. God is not finished with me yet, so please; have patience with me. Give me a little grace because I am not perfect. But, God is. His ways are far above ours...He is in every circumstance and only wants the best for us. So in knowing that...I know, everything is alright. Not "it will be" alright..it already is. Because God said so. Remain close to Him. Reman in in Him, and you can do all things.

It's ironic how thinking of leaves falling, certain tree's not bearing much fruit and all that fall does to the cycle of plant life...how in all of this, I can't help but meditate on John 15:5, "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing" In this time...I ask God with all my heart that He remain in me as I yearn to remain in Him. Jesus let me produce the good fruit you would have me to...

I want to be used, blessed and molded. Like the changing of the leaves I pray that God stirs and creates a change in me mentally and emotionally. I know He is able. I know He is true to His Word. I know He is just and faithful to His children.

I'm excited for this new season in my life and will be content and happy with where I am at so far. I kept saying, "I'll still find joy and peace 'in the mean time' "...well, this isn't "the mean time" this is IT. This is THE time. Get your act together because this is NOT a dress rehearsal, you only get one shot at life. Every season has its cue's and purpose...I encourage you to take a step back and really observe where you are, what you have come from, see where you need to make changes and ask God to do some heart surgery...fix the brokennessor pain so that you can continue to serve Him..or maybe just begin to. He has equipped you to handle it all, you just have to read the manual ;)

So, I look ahead...I remain in Christ and I work at it all. Getting right. Feeling whole. Finding joy & being used. Because God isn't finished with me yet. I can feel Him working in me...turning over a new leaf...so grateful Lord...

I wrote the back in April on my other (now retired) blog Not Broken (PCOS/Infertility/Life) and I heard this song just now on my Pandora "worship" station...I so needed this reminder...it softened my heart to the things God is doing in my life right now and the place I am now in. I know I have to find joy in everything..even some of THE most heartbreaking parts.

I definately have my moments of weakness...a few have come quite recently..but I still have hope. I still have faith and I still put my trust in the hands of my Saviour, Jesus Christ. God, be my strength...

If you want me to-Ginny Owens...

The pathway is broken/ And the signs are unclear /And I don't know the reason why/ You brought me here/ But just because You love me /the way that You do I'm gonna walk through the valley/ If You want me to

No I'm not who I was /When I took my first step/ And I'm clinging to the promise/ You're not through with me yet /So if all of these trials bring me closer to /You Then I will go through the fire /If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen /When You lead me through a world that's not my home /But You never said it would be easy /You only said I'll never go alone/ So when the whole world turns against me /And I'm all by myself And I can't hear You answer my cries for help/ I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through /And I will go through the darkness/ If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout /Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down /So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you /And I will walk through the valley if you want me to /Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

 

.......

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Psalm 23:4 "These trials are only to test your faith.. It's (faith) being tested as fire tests and purifies gold...." 1 Peter 1:7

That's what I'm talkin about....God gave us this life, He came into our lives when we invited Him in and this is so that we can have it, and live it to the fullest. With all its riches and wonderous experiences...maybe for some what exemplifies that is different from the next person. But the point is that with God, our lives are meant to be lived within the fullness of Him.

I have really come to realize that in order to do this, we have to be (among other things) healthy. That's what I want to focus on right now, being healthy. Mentally, emotionally, spritually all YES's! But also...(dun dun dunnnn) physically. Not just "skinny"or "thinner"..I mean HEALTHY. There is a difference ladies.

We have been given these "temples" as the bible puts it and with our bodies, we have to be responsible with them. What we put in them, what we do with them, how we dress them and ultimately how they function. Granted, sometimes we cant escape certain physical ailments..but there is NO excuse good enough to not keep it healthy. So, I pledge..to do my best to be healthier. Better food choices and consistent workouts/runs...

If you need it made simple, like I do...check these out:

I get exhausted just reading these... :/

Of course, watch what you eat. Get in more good (complex carbs) like whole grain, wheat, brown rice etc vs. anything with white flour or even white rice. Lower your sugar & (bad) fats intake and also sodium if needed. Here is my eating style:

1) more "good" (complex) carbs

2) eat colorful (your plate should be "colorful" i.e full of fruits and/or veggies"

3)cut way back in the sweets (a lot of us think if we cut back a little it's enough...truthfully we know we should do more. Sugar is in most of what we eat, we don't need more of it in the refined form) :)

Eat for your goals, eat for your body type or health issue. Just remember, eat! For me, with PCOS, I have to eat within a low-glycemic index diet or like a diabetic (to an extent). If anything, it just keeps me healthy. No biggie. My health and future are worth it. Skipping what I don't need won't kill me, it will do the opposite :) The battle in all of this resides in the mind.

Victory & defeat reside in the mind. Remember that...

Speaking of...let me give you a few of these to help you out with that battle:



It is as simple as that a lot of the time. Victory and defeat reside in the mind. Choose to make it great. Choose to feel better. Choose to get it together. Choose to walk it off. GET OVER IT! MOVE ON! (I mean that in the most loving way possible my dear) xoxo

With women it works like this: if you wait to "feel" better or "feel" like doing something..you may never FEEL like it. So, you have to choose to. Then, your action to choose will collide with your emotions and you will then feel it. (via Beth Moore)

It's all about taking responsibility.

God gave you this one body. This one life. To live it in all it's fullness.

So.

Do it. Live it. Be healthy. Be happy.

xo

I'm content with the way things are. I want to be pregnant again. I'm nervous to get pregnant again. I wish I was pregnant as we speak, big bump and all. On and on it goes in my mind. For the most part lately I have been pretty content.


I know God is working on me still...but man...some days are just heavier than others mentally and emotionally. I was walking through the grocery store Saturday..browsing each aisle to make sure I didn't miss anything and along the way I pass three different pregnant women, 2 couples with babies and one of the little ones...oh he was just beautiful. And there somewhere between trying to decide between Hefty or Ziplock  sandwich bags I caved...just caved.

I lost it. Right there. Just cried my eyes out for a minute or two. And I think God afforded me that moment because maybe He saw my heart, still sensitive to the blairing reminders that I am no longer pregnant. He afforded me that moment alone to let it out, right there in FoodMaxx..the store was packed with busy shoppers on that Saturday..but for those few minutes, He let me be alone. No one came down the aisle, not even to pass by rather than walk through. Its those little moments of grace that I feel God in my life even more these days...

Right now, as I type, Chris is on his iPad on the other couch here in our livingroom youtubing The Godkinz cover The Jonas Brothers' song "a little bit longer". And again, the tears start. It's sort of voicing what I have been feeling, "a little bit longer, and I'll be fine" So I know, I will be fine. I have been fine for the most part. I know, I know...that "technically" isn't a state of anything being "fine". You can say that you are "fine" but really......fine?

Honestly, I am finding contentment and happiness in where God has me. Has us. His plan is perfect. He see's things we cannot. He is God. And having faith in God, also means having faith and trust in His timing. I can't not trust Him. My world would fall a part with out Jesus at the center...completely. Because I have fallen a part, but in my weakness He has been made so strong. I know some people think/say that, "you will never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have." And while this may be true...very true. I have to add...in my weakness, was when I realized just how strong God is...and in that, He gave me strength I could not have on my own. I mean every bit of that. So, sometimes..my desire for what I once had versus my desire to be happy in where I currently am are often one in the same. But I do realize what a blessing it is to still have this life I have. To have my husband and my health. To have had what time we did have with our first pregnancy & baby and the memories and ministering thate has come since all of this..so...my heart is trying to play catch up, I know...

Even though I cannot control my surroundings or other peoples lives. I mean hello, other people in the world WILL get pregnant, will have those announcements, will have babies etc, it can't change my heart or faith or mentality. I am human, I have feelings. I am a woman. I feel those feelings maybe a little too long or too hard...sue me. :)  I guess I just wanted to share all this just to say: it's okay to be human and have feelings and give yourself time to go through the process of healing and recovering from a loss (of any kind). But there does come a time where we allow God to extend His grace-and then times where we buck up, take our thoughts captive and press on.

I just thank God everyday that He loves me like He does, because He is so good to me. He gives me strength I need. He gives me grace when I need it. He just knows me so well.....

I ended up drying my eyes....getting the Ziplock lunch bags, praised the gorgeous little baby boy and his big brown eyes, and walked out of there...just as whole as I walked in :)

xoxo

(the song I mentioned in my blog. beautifully covered in this "raw session")

I have received a few messages/emails from others wondering if it was okay if they share my blog or a certain post on their blog, facebook or through email etc. The answer is yes! Please do! When I started this blog..I needed an outlet and since Chris and I were open with our pregnancy from early on, we knew we wanted to be open about our loss. But, we know so many people and telling the same story over and over again at first was emotionally exhausting sometimes. So the blog allowed me to share it with everyone in one place as well as be a healing tool for me. But, I asked God: "If I am going to do this, give me the strength to do it, and use it." I wanted it to be an outlet for me but I also wanted it to be a tool for God, that He would use it too to possible bless, encourage or minister to others through...He is in everything I write, and I pray it goes further than my keyboard...so please, share!

At the bottom of each post there is a list of icons in ways to "share" the blog, you can also copy and past the link and also...enter your email in the box to the upper right of this blog, so easy!

xoxo

Kris

..mama finished reading Heaven is For Real last night...

It's such a good book..loved the chapter "two sisters". I love how it describes their angel baby as happy and adopted by God (The Father)...and that she cannot wait for her mommy and daddy to get there. I never ever doubted that angel babies like you went to Heaven, that's just something I know. But I did realize that..there..you have such fullness, just like I prayed you would and wrote to you when we wrote our letters to you on that balloon.

There in Heaven with our Savior...you have everything you will ever need. There you will never experience pain. There you will never cry in sadness or hurt. There you will never feel alone or unloved or be dissapointed, discouraged or upset.

There you have love, true joy...peace, comfort...rest, smiles and every good thing. I thank God as I remember the pregnancy, as I remember you and your little heart beating inside me...I thank God that you can be with Him, experiencing all He ever had for you..and you are safe and happy and loved and cared for..

If you are not in my arms..there is no place I would rather you be than Jesus'..resting and thinking of us..singing and worshipping our God. I miss you every.single.day. but know that we are doing good my little love..our hearts are full and glad in Jesus name...we are happy...God is with us too...

I think of you often..I can't wait to see your sweet little face one day..I bet you have my smile and your daddy's eyes...I pray for you still. And I know there in heaven...you can't wait to see us..but you have everything you need...my heart smiles in that..all of me finds comfort and assurance in that simple fact..that there, you have everything you will ever need...

I love you...I love you..I love you...I will know your face when I get there one day...my baby..♥

{listening to: the theif-brooke fraser}

That's what I said as tears flowed down my face this past Saturday..God..."You saved me..."

I meant it in the "right now" sense as far as what Chris and I had gone through with our loss...I gave my life to Christ when I was 12 so I have been "saved" by grace ever since. Saturday though, I meant that God saved me from..well, let me explain..

In working through all the feelings, emotions and physical and mental growth and recovery that comes from losing a pregnancy/baby..I had read countless stories, posts and received emailes of women who just were so lost along with everything else. The depression and grief were just too strong and thus they felt so helpless, hopeless, weak and broken. I was so scared I would somehow end up so wrapped up in all of it that I wouldn't be able to get out. Nothing goes back to normal right away, its natural for things to take some time. But in my reading, research and inquiring posts on message boards, I learned all too well of the pit that waits if we cannot somehow find the strength to..well, be strong. I mean really, in times like that..you are just so desperate to feel in just the tiniest bit of control and hope that the strength you need so badly will soon come..

I remember..in the first couple of weeks, in going to the appointment and finding out we had lost our baby, in just a couple hours after that having to schedule the procedure and then in the days we took to just "be"..I absolutely hated my humanness. Because in that, in my humanness I was acutely aware of the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do.

Nothing.

In my circumstance-in that very moment Chris and I were left alone in the doctors office to just take a few minutes to ourselves before we had to make any decisions. You could just feel the rawness of emotion and even in that sadness, I felt held. Jesus was there with us, holding us and mourning with us. That was the only moment in my entire life that my heart was broken. But I still felt God there..

And in the events that were to follow and the weeks that were to come, we had to put one foot infront of the other and move forward. I felt though, in getting up and getting ready for work..in planning things each weekend and waking each day..some how, I felt like I was doing my baby an injustice. But through my husband, a friend of ours (Natalie Valdez, love you girl!)..and God..they all helped me realize that this was necessary and God was with us. We will never forget that pregnancy and our first baby, we just can't. But with God, we can still honor her--but also start to live life again, try for a baby again, be excited for other people's pregnancies and baby announcements and baby showers again. (now, most of this pertains to me but..you get what I'm trying to say) I think for me, it was harder #1) because I am emotional by nature as a woman..and #2) it was my body that had begun to change and take the shape necessary to take care of the little life inside me..and it was my body that also had to endure everything that came along with no longer being pregnant..and with the recovery. All of that was just a constant reminder for me, and different from the way in which Chris was handling things. And that's okay, thats normal...we are both healing and still, getting better each day.

Yes, some days certain things still sting..I stare at pregnant women some days and others I just bounce my eyes. Certain songs or poems I hear or see grip me like they wouldn't have before. But what I want to get across, and make clear..is that with God, all of this is easier. Easy in the sense that its doable. Moving forward is possible. Having a healed heart, being able to again, find joy in things that would otherwise hurt my heart because of my loss..its all possible with God. I realized that early on..as Chris and I would tell eachother constantly, that God is the same. He is still God. Like he was when we got pregnant. Like He was when the world was right..the world isn't dark and wrong now as far as "our" lives went. And yes, I sat there for hours sometimes in my prayer time just telling God, "you can step in, you can change all of this, you can save us from this." And I all of a sudden realized one day, He could have.

He very well and certainly could do anything. But he didn't. And nothing in me ever felt like God "did this to us" or even "let it happen" to teach us a lesson or build our faith or even punish us. That is not my God. I read in one book that one nurse told the author when she had lost her baby that, "we live in a fallen world"..and we do. This world is not perfect, it isn't even meant for us. Our loss just..happened..and instead our precious baby was born straight into heaven..how amazing. God has His hand over it all, and we trust Him. So when the world says I should expect to feel depressed, sad for months after and still grieve for months to years, that this may cause discord in the marriage, that I will be too emotional to work right or be involved with friends and activities. That this will always be a scar on my heart and in my memory and will make me tense or scared with the next pregancy. I can turn to God's word and hear, " Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers^[a] of this world, rather than from Christ." Col. 2:8 All of those worldly thoughts are carnal and not of God. Because God says that we, "...use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. ⁵ We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."-2 Cor 10:4-5. These weapons only come from using His word to guard and battle with our minds and hearts..when we want to just sit in the sorrow, God's Word reminds us that He has a perfect plan for our lives of fullness and plans to prosper us and not harm or hurt us (Jer 29:11).

And that's what I set to do, it's what I have been working on. To get my mind and heart aligned with God's and be okay with being happy again. Prayer and God's word not only kept me afloat during our loss, now they are ushering me forward with a heart that is healing...better that what the World said could happenor how it could happen or when. And I am just so grateful to God. That he carried us. He continues to carry us...we will not forget our first little love Isa, but we can have joy and peace again and have no guilt or sadness in even thinking about trying for another baby. Because God does intend for us to be his hands and feet in this world, and to live a life of fullness, joy, purpose and to have sound minds in Him. Choosing Christ was the best decision I ever made..he has saved me in every way....

Saved me from eternal pain both after my life ends and while I am still living it..I am not only saved by grace and faith to be able to spend eternity in heaven (Eph 2:8). But also saved in that he rescued me from the depression or fear or sorrow or hard heart I could have easily had if He was not with me. I don't know how I would have done any of this without God and I give Him all the Glory..all of it. On my own I am weak and broken but with Christ I can be whole and filled again! And He is always, always with me..

^"38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:38-39

"And be sure of this; I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matt. 28:20

So, I am happy..I am. I miss my baby everyday..but I remember the pregnancy fondly..I thank God for the little time I had with her..and the short while I carried her, even though it was a tough pregnancy..I loved it still. I will forever love my child..and until I can hold her; Heaven will. She is forever in our hearts..and I hope someday soon, we will be able to giver her a brother or sister...Chris and I are excited to be able to try again in the fall...and we trust completely that God see's things we cannot. He is on the throne, in Heaven..and He see's us. He loves us deeply. He has not changed.

You saved me, Jesus...you saved me..I see the sunlight..I love you...I feel you and I love you...I exalt you God. All I can say is thank you..and I will exalt you..you are my God...

So the other day I was browsing on my facebook and I realized...I had some "notes" in that 'notes' section of my FB. Basically, they are like blog posts on your FB..and as I was scrolling through I found this one..

It was something I wrote in early February of this year..(gosh that feels like so long ago!) As I re-read this posting...I couldn't help but take quite a few deep sighs and shake my head in that "man-I-cant-believe-this-...........but-its-so-awesome-" kind of way. Because this last week has been kind of hard for me..and I will go more into detail about that in another post but, let me just say..stumbling upon the post below, "Realized Faith", came at the perfect time for me..just when I needed it. And I could totally receive it because it was God inspired...it really has nothing to do with me...I'm just the typist :)
..............................................................................................................
Realized Faith: 2.28.11---

Have you ever had one of those days where you just need to get outside of your mind? Yea..I’ve had about three of those and I feel another few coming. Is it that big of a coincidence that in the very time in my life God asks for my faith and trust-and I vow to finally give it whole heartedly, that it’s the time in my life that “life” screams for concern/worry/questioning/tension…

It’s like, of course! Why when I promise to give God all of me in faith and trust and contentment wouldn’t my flesh claw at me to be concerned and worried and stressed?...When we ask God to give us faith, strength, peace and just that sense of trust, he doesn’t just snap his fingers and it appears. He puts us in situations to cultivate that which we pray for. If I have learned anything, I have learned that much :)

And with all that has been on my mind, I feel God speaking to me.. He is bringing me through the fire. To refine me and to just smooth out the rough edges in my faith and I have to just…be.  Stop the fussing and fighting and moving and whining and just..be.

It’s like this. In some random, un-intentioned moment you realize that God was so there for you. He was always there and in everything. And even when you couldn’t visualize an end or result; He came through. And maybe not in the way that you earnestly and specifically prayed for; but in the way you can now see was the utmost perfect and beyond what you could have conceived. And in that moment of realization you feel peace. You feel happy. You feel relieved and calm and grateful in ways you feel almost too humbled to try to explain or convey. And in that moment, at least for me..I often feel…ashamed. Because God came through so amazingly, and I am now just realizing it or giving him praise for it. He has never, ever, ever failed me. Even when purposefully I have chosen to disobey Him or reluctantly chosen to not have the faith I should, He came through for me. Who am I that the God of the universe, the God who says that the sun should rise and the moon should set, the God that puts the air in my lungs-who am I that He should not only care for me-but be for me? Who would come through for me, when I don’t deserve it and comfort me when I need it most…

What if I had faith like the faith that is built after the fact? Faith like God has already come through or even that He just WILL..? What if I lived with the constant realization and understanding that God is exalted. That he is sovereign and trustworthy. That He is beyond faithful and true. That He is concerned with the big and little, that He isn’t fazed with trivial life issues. He isn’t shaken, afraid, worried, unsure or unreliable. Fear isn't in His vocabulary.  He is all I will ever need and the best thing I can put all of me into. But if the God I say I believe in is so perfect, why is my faith so…un-perfect? Because we aren't God or perfect and having faith means you don’t know it all and you have to let go and let God be God. When you set him on the throne, and give him his rightful place in your life His mercies will give way for you to believe in ways you should. It is a hard decision because it means letting go of being your own (and everyone else’s) savior and answer and hope. That’s for Jesus to take care of, His word says so.

Faith is called for, life cries for it…I choose to take part in that kind of faith. Realized-on purpose-no holding back-final answer-faith. At some point you need to realize that NOTHING (let me say that again) NOTHING is too hard for our God. Nothing.

Deut. 3:24/2 Sam 7:28-29/Deut 32:4/2 Sam 22:31/Deut 7:9/1 Sam 12:24/Matt 17:20/Psalm 23:4

Listening to: Where I belong-Cory Asbury, His Glory Appears-Hillsong & All for you-Starfield..♥

Lately I have had no urge to write..mostly because my mind has been working overtime and I can't quite sort everything out just yet..at least not in an eloquent way...

On top of other things though...a lot of my thoughts are on and with our friends, The Peralta Family. They lost their precious four year old son last weekend (I will leave the cause out of this post out of respect for the family, details aren't needed right now..) but it was sudden for sure...

 They had and were blessed by their beautiful son for four years. I couldn't imagine the pain they were going through..all I knew was that I wanted so badly to be there for them. To do SOMETHING for them..and while they were in another state dealing with all this..all we could do was pray. All any of us could do was pray. But I know, I know in my heart that prayer works..While this family is still dealing with all of this, and in some ways a lot has only just begun...please continue to pray.

And like us, if in any way you ask "what can we do?" #1) pray..earnestly and daily...God's heart is moved when His people cry out to Him, so petition for this family before our God. #2) If you feel like that still isnt enough (to you) and you want to help in any way..I have a way..

Their family has set up a donations fund for the family to deal with very expensive medical costs surrounding all of this. They have set up the Robert Solomon Peralta Memorial Fund.( Acct# 5635377517, Routing #121042882. It's thru Wells Fargo Bank, you can give in person at any Wells, or wire/transfer money from your bank to memorial acct, must give routing # OR you can email me at the email address on the blog avilastoryblog@yahoo.com to see where you can just send/mail a check. All checks made payable to "Robert Solomon Peralta Memorial Fund")

 ^"The whole congregation of believers was united as one—one heart, one mind! They didn't even claim ownership of their own possessions. No one said, "That's mine; you can't have it." They shared everything... And so it turned out that not a person among them was needy. Those who owned fields or houses sold them and brought the price of the sale to the apostles and made an offering of it. The apostles then distributed it according to each person's need." Acts 4:32-35

"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:4

If you ask what you can do..this is what you can do right now..and while this family wouldn't ask themselves, we as their brothers and sisters in Christ are here to bear them up when they do not have the strength. Let us give of what is God's anyway..portioned out for those in need. We are all of one body..let us have the same heartbeat for all His children..and right now, for The Peralta Family..

They are the sweetest, most loving and humble couple. He is an annointed worshipper..so talented and strong in faith..He has led countless into the presence of God with Praise & Worship..she is a beautiful woman of God both inside and out. So sweet and caring..she has watched, played with and cared for many kids as she spent a lot of her time helping in the childrens ministry..and they are both amazing parents. Their two year old daughter, Lil Miss Noah...a gorgeous little fire..so playful..her laugh infectious..her smile contagious. And while this family has contributed to so many over their years in serving others and just being the amazing people they are...being who God has called them to be...will you now offer a hand back....and help?

We love them dearly..and know that God is with them and will deliver them from their pain. Not only because He said He would...

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but God delivers Him out of them all."-Psalm 34:19

"The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; He saves those who have lost all hope."-Psalm 34:18

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."-Isaiah 43:2

But because we  also know..they love God..they are strong in their faith and for eachother. And sometimes I couldn't say these things about myself so others said them for me and about me even in my weakness/brokenness, so now--I stand for them both and declare they are strong and will not be overcome by this. Even when our brokenness has us so low..we know God is close. And little Soloman is with Jesus now..He is in the presence of our precious Saviour, worshipping and playing with the Angels...strong and healthy and full of joy and peace...and He now too..is one more angel above us.. 

So, thats how I know. And we pray now for their healing, restoration, peace and even joy...that no bad thought have place here, we don't allow it.

So...if it is in your heart and within your means to give..anything at all...from the bottom of my heart, I am truly grateful. This is about our friends..and helping them in their time of need. And what you make happen for others, God will make happen for you (Luke 6:38). Come on everyone...lets come together in love and with a heart for His children...our friends in life, or even in spirit if some of you are just readers who I do not know personally...I ask with a humble and solemn heart..will you give? And if anything..I ask that you please continue to pray...thank you, thank you...

And for all of us..for The Peralta Family, for you...

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" -Philippians 4:19

"God gives power to the faint and strengthens the powerless. But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."-Isaiah 40:29-31

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so, so much..for anything you can do..I thank you. God Bless each of you and I pray God see's your blessing upon the Peralta Family..and I know He will honor you back...I pray many blessings over you..and I thank you..with love..I thank you.

xoxoxoxo
-Kris