"If we do not forgive, we are demanding something our offender does not choose to give, even if it's only a confession."-How Forgiveness Frees Us (Dr. John Townsend & Dr. Henry Cloud, Forgiveness Reading Plan)

I can't explain why I am easily offended. I can't explain why I tend to hold grudges. Maybe it's because I don't like when people don't like me. Maybe I am a closet "people pleaser" or maybe I really do care what others think of me. I like to say it's more so because I am a loyal person; and so when I am offended by someone I love, I tend to not be able to let it go.

I am a good friend. I really am. I can't sing and I can't play an instrument. I never could drive a stick shift and no matter how hard I try I just cannot get the hang of speaking a second language. If I'm upset it shows, a poker face is just something I don't have. But I know I am a good companion in life. I love you deeply, I will protect your name and I will never let them talk bad about you. I'll babysit your kids for free, get your groceries when you are on bed rest and bring you home made chicken soup and a stack of Us magazines when you're sick. I'm not bragging. I just know what it's like to need someone, so I like to be there for others when I can. And as I grow older I realize I just don't have the time or energy to put the effort into pretending everything is fine when it isn't. If you ever ask someone how they are and they say "fine" they are far from fine.

In the last few years or so I have been hurt by people close to me. Be it family or friend, stranger or some random opinion through an article about parenting I've read, I have found myself offended on more than one occasion. I'll admit, a few were more the result of my hormonal state than the actual error of another person; but some where along the way my heart was broken on more than one occasion this last year alone. What's more important than the details of the offenses, is the fact that I was left broken and bitter. I admit it, I've been bitter. And mad. And disappointed. And acted out in my anger, several times without caring.

All those cliches of, "If God can forgive me, then I can forgive them." and "Forgiveness isn't for your offender it is for you and your healing." and so forth…they left me rolling my eyes and crossing my arms more and more. What I have come to learn about myself is that I just can't do it as easily as I urge others to. To forgive someone. Especially someone who really isn't asking or giving a flying leap whether you forgive them or not. I can't. Well, not that I can't, it's more that I won't. I need the apology. I crave the explanation and the reasoning. I desperately need to know why. I keep myself tied to the offense and to the person forever by choosing not to forgive them (whether I get an explanation or not). Even when I get an apology, I wait and carefully decipher whether or not it's truly genuine or if it is just to settle the score. I find that I have grace for others in many areas but if I am crossed, God help them.

"To forgive someone means to let him or her off the hook or to cancel a debt owed."-Dr. John Tonsend & Dr. Henry Could, Forgiveness Reading Plan

Let them off the hook? Seriously? Without anything in return. Without them coming to me on their knees, tears in their eyes and heart in hand begging for my forgiveness? Please. Yes, that is the attitude I had. In my hurt, I abandoned the foundation of my faith. Something I earnestly claimed to stand firm on. I thought that in my worst, I was only sinking into this pit of unforgiveness. I only recently realized I was far underwater with no air. I was drowning in it and my faith was really being snuffed out on some level. I resigned from a post of grace and took up a flag of surrendering to my pain. And I didn't care who I hurt in return. They deserved it after all, didn't they? I'm ashamed to say this lasted for months. A year even. That's a lie. Years. It has lasted years. Not every day, but often. More often than not anyway. Throw a stone and I will put up a wall. A fortress. One not even the most sincere apology can break down. When I realized the life I had begun to live and how miserable I was making myself and others around me, I knew I needed to change but I still didn't want to. It wasn't until I discovered I truly was giving up on this person or that person and I came to the point of unreal consciousness. I began to breathe again. And I was painfully and acutely aware that in all of my thrashing around with my eye rolling, ignoring texts, with holding attention or affection or just plain contempt--these attempts to demand they make it right, I had placed myself in unreachable territory. Who could get to me? What would speak to me? I couldn't even feel God's peace on my life because I chose to reside in the land of "you owe me". Redemption could only be found in their efforts to make the wrongs right. And sometimes people can try, but we all know that won't be enough. Not if we won't let it. Other times, they will never try. Either because they know their efforts will fail at our rejecting them not matter what or they just don't care. Maybe, just maybe-they don't even realize they need to try.

The universal truth about forgiveness that remains, that never fails and that we must do in order to really be free again is to just do it. The only way to cut the ties, to free ourselves and to shed the layers of bitterness, hurt and spite are to choose to forgive them, whoever they are. Maybe someone molested you as a child or you have had multiple miscarriages and are angry at God or even yourself. A spouse cheated, a dad left, a mother abandoned or a friend forgot you along the way. Someone who was supposed to protect you failed you and that hero you held so high, fell in the battle called life. Similar tastes changed, distance created distance and words really did hurt. Your close knit family crumbled under the weight of managing an inheritance or you just couldn't measure up to a legacy left before you.

If you are going to go through life choosing to stay offended I only hope you have the arsenal necessary to barely get you through each day. Because it can become a lonely life, even when you are surrounded by many. I hope you have enough to keep you company when all you have left are your thoughts and memories of the same, tired story. I hope you can manage how it will tire you in every way possible.

What I truly and desperately hope is that you find not just the strength, but the humility in yourself to say what is hard to say:

"I forgive you."

I am guilty of holding it in, passing through life with a massive weight on me and hurting those who have hurt me. And I am sorry. I am sorry. I really am sorry. In my attempts to make people want to apologize (which never works) I have ironically placed myself in a place of needing their forgiveness. That's how it goes sometimes. We've talked behind their backs, used history to belittle them, chosen to make them suffer. I'm not saying your pain isn't valid. I know it is. But I am saying you need to forgive and forget. Yes, forget. Don't be foolish with your time and heart, but you have to let it go. Let them off the hook. Stop demanding restitution. The only feat you need is what you can do on your own. Forgive. There is no twelve step process for this I'm afraid, no process that feels as if you are making progress. It is a one shot, right now, drop the weights and let it go. It's a very personal and freeing decision. Trust me. I've read all the scripture, anecdotes, devotionals and stories about and on forgiveness. If I have the cure and choose not to take it, I'm letting myself die. Do you see? Do you get it?

I do understand just how freely God gives grace and forgiveness and I can see where He has just lavished my life with his redemption. Who am I…who am I to withhold what has been poured out on me with such love and intensity?

 You may also, in a secondary act of letting the hurt go, need to ask your offender for forgiveness as well…do it. I'm telling you, if you feel you need to, do it. It may only make a difference for you and that is okay. It will take a lot of humility and teeth gritting self examination but it will feel so much better afterward. I promise.

True freedom is found in love, and there is not hate in love. You can do it. I know you want to be free. My prayers go with you. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry you've been hurt, truly sorry…

Now go, get your life back…

With love,
K

Recently I have found that the word "goodbye" holds so much more weight than I would prefer to give it. I have also found that it is a word I have grown to really hate-it's causing a lot of tears these last few weeks.

I think it's pretty common news Chris and I are moving to Texas…Wednesday. We leave on a 6:30 am flight and will be Texan's by 11:00 am CA time. People keep asking me…is it surreal? Scary? Weird? Exciting? Are you nervous? Are you sad? Yes. Yes. and yes to all of the above. We knew since last fall this was a plan in the works and by spring time of this year we knew God confirmed all of our prayers for answers, guidance, peace and location. Some of you may not know the true heartbeat behind this move and many are wondering (Texas?? Really..?).

I guess I will just start with-kids [your kids] change everything. Mayah has changed me in more ways than I can ever explain and she is my world. And with our second baby on the way, we know that with these blessings we call Mayah and Aria, come new dreams and hopes. Not so much for us, but for them. And while I would love to be able to afford my children every dream we have for them and those that will grow within their own hearts here, reality hits and we know some goals just aren't suited to thrive in the California market. I want to stay home with my babies while they are little and soaking up this new world. We plan to plug into a dynamic and spirit led church and grow within the body. I long to connect with women over the things of God and minister to them. My husband has dreams of writing a book, speaking across the nation and world for that matter and we have goals within our ministry and personal life we've yet to share. In trying to make a long story short, much of what we feel God has placed in our hearts and the values we have and plans we have-Texas seemed to be a very attainable and worth while avenue. So we have prayed and prayed and prayed. And asked for prayer, prayed some more and felt God speak. And with how amazingly only God could work, every tiny detail of this process has just been seemless-we would have been foolish to say "no" because it was the harder road emotionally. 

I know our friends and family would never ask us to give "this" up and we know with certainty that God has called us to Texas. And so, we walk in faith. Our house has sold and like only the favor of God can prove it's been a huge blessing. We don't have a house yet in Texas. Chris doesn't have a job and we've sold our cars and many of our furnishings. I grow more sad to leave my loved ones as time ticks closer to our departure, but I know we go with love and support. We have friends willing to host us while we look for our dream home which God has made a way for us to afford. Chris has interviews lined up the day after we arrive and we get to purchase new cars for our growing family as soon as we arrive. And while the sadness I feel for how much I am going to miss our friends and family is very real, so much so that it makes me feel like I am making the biggest mistake of my life; I have no fear. God is with us. We are allowing him to lead us and as long as we have each other we will be alright. 

Leaving those I have spent my entire life with and the only place I have ever lived and known to call "home" does feel surreal. To leave it all and not be able to see these precious people daily or weekly and sit and talk face to face--it feels unnatural. When I think about how much I am going to miss everyone it makes me not want to go. I try to not get emotional in the presence of others because once I start I just cannot stop. This is just the hard part of this process and I know we have to get through this. Lately, I cry a lot on my own and let it out when I can. Truth be told much of my mind is occupied by everything we need to do to move, get there and what will go into finding our home and preparing for this new baby. I get preoccupied. But when they leave my home, when we hug goodbye and the door closes. The solitude is evident and I realize what is happening. I am saying so long to a very big part of my life but find confidence in what we are trying to create for our girls. The opportunities we strive to pave the way for and the God centered life above all else-we owe it to them and ourselves. I am very excited for this next chapter in our life. I can't wait to get started and I feel blessed to have this opportunity.

I don't like "goodbye's". The finality of them make me uneasy and honestly it isn't realistic. I plan to continue to share life with you guys. My heart is heavy because of how much I will miss everyone, but I feel beyond privileged to have known and loved friends and family that make it so hard to say goodbye…

So I won't say it...I won't say goodbye. This is just "be seeing you" and I love you, I love you, I love you.

...

Of all the beautiful things I have ever beheld, all pale in comparison the little wonder that is my girl. My 30 inch, 20 pound, one year old blessing. She is strong willed, hilarious, adventurous, sweet and loving. She fears nothing and loves unconditionally. And of all the wonderful things I could say about her and all the ways I can build her up and encourage the amazing little thing she is becoming, I know some day my baby girl will encounter the hurtful side of words and my heart breaks. 

Words were meant for edification, encouragement, support and love. We were made to speak life and positivity; truth and destiny. My heart is that she would never ever be torn down by anyone, especially another girl. Sadly, the truth is that many use their words to hurt others and I can't say I blame them for that behavior, at least not the full blame. The media encourages bad girl-on-girl behavior and hate. Gossip, slander, name calling, lies, deceit, disregard and lack of self control are taught by the television and movies our daughters watch. Poor body image, low self-esteem and self pity are side effects of reading magazines geared toward girls (or women for that matter). Music demeans women and values we should cling to. Bullying in schools seems to be more and more prevalent and has been carried into parts of the cyber world parents can't keep up with.

Every female alive no matter their ethnicity, social status or age has experienced some sort of pain that comes from the syllables that escape another's mouth. 

Ugly.

Stupid.

Unwanted.

Useless.

Fat.

Weird. 

Loner.

Loser.

Worthless.

Fake

Nobody.

And more labels I cannot bear to type out, for I know the little eyes that might come across this post. 

You know what? Words hurt. They cut deep and last a lifetime for some. They are spoken by strangers, so called friends, family members and even mothers. Groomed to think social gossip and the occasional dis is just a part of "being a girl", too many young ladies are taught that it is acceptable and normal. My own experience at the receiving end of harsh talk still stings sixteen years later. 

Growing up I was skinny, small, lanky and shy. I had a big nose, crooked teeth, scrawny legs and chipped nail polish. I didn't know there was anything wrong with how I looked until I got to middle school and some of the popular girls made it their daily task to remind me just how ugly, unpopular and alone I was. I would spend breaks and lunches in a bathroom stall, eating my lunch next to someone doing their business. On field trips I was never picked to be anyone's "buddy" and in high school approaching school dances hurt because I knew no boy would ever ask or even look my way. My daily joy, confidence and purpose hung within the balances of the hurtful words spoken. Young lady, I know what it is like to feel as alone and invisible as possible. To be reduced to about 2 inches tall and sent hiding behind doors and under under my covers in tears because I felt so down on myself. I let them win.

To think that one day my precious, innocent daughter could possibly feel exactly how I and so many girls this very second feel...heartbreaking doesn't even begin to describe it. I cannot, I will not allow it. To the best of my ability I have to try and change this way of life so many have engrained in their minds. We need to teach our girls to go against what society has skillfully programmed and what many of us tend to teach without even trying. I forgo the nose job I so desperately wanted as a teenager, because I am so much more secure in myself now. And if my daughter should grow up to have the same nose as her mama and her mama, I don't want the nose job I got to tell her there is something wrong with her and we should fix it. I don't want the obsession with body image to trump the focus on who she is on the inside and how she treats others (and herself). I never want her to hate who she is or what she see's in the mirror. I never want her to make another girl feel badly about herself either.

My child is worth it. She is worth so much more...they are all worth so much more. We are all examples to the generation behind us whether we want to be or not; good or bad, right or wrong. My hope is that we learn to model what it is to support our sisters in life. That we show females how to speak good things over one another rather than tear each other down out of jealousy, hate, ignorance and hurt. We have a responsibility and we need to start now. 

So if no one has ever told you...

You are beautiful. Really.

You are worth far more than the most valuable diamond anyone could find.

You do have so much to contribute to this world and there is a purpose and destiny there for you, you'd be amazed.

There is nothing wrong with your waist, chest or shoe size.

Rock those glasses.

Embrace those braces.

Your curls are fierce and that smile, infectious. 

Freckles are beyond cute and your nose, hair, teeth, stomach and thighs are exactly how they should be.

There was no mistake made when the wonder that is you was created and you are a one of a kind beauty.

You are loved, valued, cherished and important.

You are worth it.

xo,

Kris