Dedicating Baby Avila..and saying Goodbye..

Today is the day I have been looking forward to since Tuesday...and at the same time its the one day I knew I would be very emotional on a whole other level..today is the day we decided we would dedicate our baby to Jesus..and say our goodbyes.

God put it on my heart to go and do this in a special way. So, Chris and I decided to buy a white balloon, drive up to Half Moon Bay..pick a nice, somewhat secluded beach..write a message from each of us to our baby, say a prayer..dedicate and release her to Jesus and let the balloon go.

And thats exactly what we did...

I woke up..early..again..and came to the living room with my two pillows and the most comfy blanket we have. I layed on the couch..stared through the blinds at the already clear, blue sky..and tried my hardest to fall asleep. I closed my eyes..asked God to let me fall asleep..and waited. Before I knew it..my pillow was soaked with deep, sorrow filled tears. But, I felt okay to cry, because today was the day I would make the effort to say goodbye to my precious baby..finally..Today was the day I would, try to honstly let go. To ask God to please, take care of our first baby. To allow us to release and dedicate her into His hands...and to make  us whole again..so, I cried..

I tried to go about the morning, getting ready..brushing my teeth, putting on my makeup..getting out of my sweats for once and into real clothes..and the tears just, kept coming..me heart ached in a new way that morning as I had already begun the process of letting go...

We ran an errand, came back home..gathered what we needed and left home. We had in tow our beach chairs, that same comfy blanket, my camera and then we went to the store for that one white balloon. I felt as though, me..walking through Lucky's with that clean white balloon, everyone knew what it was for and at the same time no one even knew I was there. Because you begin to notice in times like these..the world just-goes on. Like my husband has said in his testimony about losing his mother at 12..the news doesn't stop reporting, the stores continue to open and close and you see the world just keep going and passing by like normal. And so, we knew...we also had to keep going..keep our lives moving. Yes, it would be different. Yes I would eventually have to pack away what baby stuff we already had...my baby and daddy-to-be books, the onsies we were already gifted with, the cocoa butter I was already slathering on each day...the baby sling I had already ordered..no longer would I rub my tummy daily to say goodmorning or goodnight..Chris wouldn't get notes in his lunch pale from mama and his lil bean anymore...at least for now, all of that..was over.

And today...was the day...we both had to let go emotionally and even mentally for the most part. No we would never forget the joy inside from knowing that life, and a piece of each of us was alive and thriving. No, we will never forget the first appointment where we heard and saw a mighty heart beat...and showing anyone who would look our first ultrasound picture..no. We will never ever forget our first baby..we just, have to allow God to move in us, to grow us from this and allow us to heal, and today was a part of that for sure.

On the way to Half Moon Bay we listened to the radio..Air1 and KLOVE..and each song seemed to be played just for us..it was God there with us on the ride. We found a somewhat secluded beach and set up our chairs and didn't talk too much. Chris walked to the waters edge as I messed with my camera settings..he stood out there, alone for a bit..and then we stood together..holding the balloon. We just gave eachother this loving, prepared look as we nodded and agreed we were ready to begin. Chris took the camera as I took the balloon first. I knelt to the cool sand and wrapped the string around my hand..I even grasped the balloon pretty tight hoping not to pop it but fearful of it blowing away before we were ready. I put pen to surface and couldn't begin..God help me..how can anyone be ready to say their somewhat final words to their child? After a while I began to write...and the words came pouring out. The letter unfolded and in the middle of writing I hugged the balloon..I held it as if it were our baby..kissing and whispering "I love you's"...when I was done I passed it to Chris..and it was daddy's turn..

He sat there..in the sand, looking at my letter and wiping tears off his face. He to paused as he began to write his letter to his first baby..I started snapping shots of him during his time of writing and in each shot I felt like I could never take enough of that moment..the moment of Chris, a father, alone with his child...pouring his heart out in love and prayer...his face composed yet full of emotion. When he was finished we both took a picture with our letter...we layed both hands over the balloon and prayed. We dedicated our baby into the hands of God and offered her to Christ..

Then, we stood and Chris handed me the balloon, letting me know I could let it go when I was ready...and I just..stood there. Clutching the string..watching it flail in the breeze..little by little I tried so hard to let it go, at some points I though I did...and then I clenched it harder..inch by inch I let the string out..all the while feeling Chris' strong, loving arms around me..I could feel him watching too...then, finally..the let go..I fell to my knee's and sobbed in the wet sand as Chris stood strong and watched our hearts float away in the strong, coastal wind..I looked up on last time and tried desperately to search it out and then I saw it..floating away until we couldn't see it anymore...it was gone..

Chris helped me up..we silently prayed again and cried together...we held eachother and stood on that beach, feeling so "together" and alone at the same time..eventually we made our way back to our chairs and just sat there. I looked through all the pictures over and over again...loving every one of them..and just as we felt we could settle into just sitting there...the sun broke, right over us. We felt so warm so quick..Chris pointed it out, I hadn't even noticed..it was 2:00 pm and the sun was directly above us so strong..we smiled at eachother and just relaxed a bit...it was nice how that happened.

In that time, I know we both felt this peace we couldn't deny..I smiled at Chris, and for real this time..He smiled back and kissed me..we stayed on that beach just a little longer knowing that right in that moment God was honoring what we had just done..and our hearts were happy. We knew, everything was going to be alright..

After that, we left the beach..and headed to a local place to eat. We had real conversation, ate great food, genuinely laughed..but I knew..the entire time..our minds and hearts were still on the beach and what we had just done..not in a sad way..just in a remembering kind of way..but we knew..it was okay.

We will never forget any of this week and especially this day..Friday, July 22nd 2011, the day we said goodbye. I will never forget that balloon and how my heart felt, and I will never forget the true love, brokenness and strength Chris had that day..in the end..it was a good day.

                                                              

^"28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose." Romand 8:28

We will always love you..see you one day our angel baby..love you always, mommy & daddy..xoxo

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