week 16

 

...no cravings still..

...yes still loving the ice water...

...baby is now the size of an avocado or about 4 inches long!...

...I cannot stand the smell of popcorn-can't do it. nope...

{i just heard thunder outside..lost my train of thought..i hate thunder!}

...anyway...

...nope...lost it....

 

 

 

 

These last couple of weeks I have really been allowing myself to feel pregnant in every sense, including mentally and emotionally. I think with the previous losses last year and just the anxiousness and worry that comes along with a normal pregnancy alone-it all held me back a little bit. I will say though that I was never fearful this time around-not really...no...

 

While losing two pregnancies and ultimately two babies months a part in one year was enough to make me think its time to "take a break" and more than enough to truly terrify me of another pregnancy. But once I realized I was pregnant this year in June.....I wasn't afraid. I think going through those losses helped me to realize just how sovereign God is and how much things are just not in my hands. Now-I'm not going to say "God allows this or that" or "he lets this or that happen yadda yadda"-I am not God, how would I know? But I do know that no matter what ends up happening-God is above it all, he is in control. He knows my heart and desires and he loves me deeply. He has Chris and I in the palm of his hands and while the losses were the worst times in my life-they didn't last for forever. I miss by babies and wonder what could have been sometimes-but I know that if they aren't with me-the fact that they are in Jesus' arms comfort me none the less. And really-we made it out okay and our faith was stronger after each experience...somehow this time around too I knew *if*....IF......if sometheing were to happen, yes my heart would hurt but eventually we would be alright. I begged God to let us have this baby..I pleaded with him...I cried out to him with each little cramp I had...I wasn't expecting to lose this one like I thought I would-I just really really wanted to have a long and healthy pregnancy. I wanted to bring a baby home. I wanted that empty guest room to finally be a nursery. I wanted to hold my child. So while I had no fear and I knew God had already given me this miracle; I decided I would enjoy this for however long it lasts. I would tell myself, "today you are pregnant, and today you love your baby."  I was. And I did.

 

I know for some people this all may sound dramatic or even a little jaded or hint of cynicism-but being pregnant after losses is not a cake walk people. However-and this is a BIG however-my relationship with Christ has never been more important to me and I know God has pulled me through and above the fear, worry & anxiety that would have probably clouded my pregnancy (normally). He had mercy on my nerves and showed grace to my heart...and so I chose to finally recieve it and celebrate this baby and this pregnacy.

 

So I am sorry if I post too many "bump" pictures or if your news feed is clogged with "baby" this or "craving" that--this is just a true and evident miracle in my life and I want to shout it to the world! To God be the Glory and thank you to my husband for being an amazing partner in this journey already...

 

I know me getting sick, not being able to eat much, losing weight, hating the smell of his beloved late night snack (popcorn) and the irritability (alredady) hasn't been easy on me or Chris--but he's been pretty darn great thus far and I love you babe...  Do I sometimes just want to punch you "accidentally" as you slumber away perfectly while I lay awake at night with heartburn & acid reflux tossing and turning? Suuuurrre.....sometimes. BUT-I don't. Because I love you. Because I am grateful for you. And because you probably wouldn't wake up anyway...

 

Anyway..

 

So here is to 16 weeks so far of a healthy pregnancy! Baby is doing great and soon enough we will know whether this little bambino is a boy or girl!!

 

 

Caught off guard. Taken by surprise. Shocked.

These are all the things I felt when I discovered I was infact pregnant in early June...I usually like to make a long story longer :) But for privacy's sake I will make this one short....

After going through two losses last year, Chris and I decided to take a break from trying for another baby..for personal reasons we felt this was just the right decision. As bittersweet as it was to make that decision. To be so close to becoming parents and then it all going away...it was not the easiest-but we committed our plans to God. I surrendered...struggled a little..and then God took over. We had peace and knew the Lord was with us..

In the meantime I met with doctors, got a new eating plan (paleo diet), was put on certain suppliments and taken off certain other medications..my body was being encouraged to correct itself with the help of these things. I cannot begin to describe the transformation my body had made it was awesome...to go from 6 migraines a month to none was immeasurable and other things that started to fall in line which also affected fertility-the proof was in the pudding-or rather in the paleo :)

Now more than ever, I truly believe that God know's my own heart even better than I do. He see's those deep desires and my strong will and softens my spirit. He know's me like no other. His blessings and rebukes speak to exactly what I need. So on that afternoon of July 7th when I realized Chris and I were expecting-expecting a baby...pregnant......I was shocked. At this point we had not been trying for a baby but trying to naturally keep our plan a float...but it seemed God had other plans.

After early doctors appointments, first trimester screenings and ultrasounds...nervous moments and months of being really, really sick, hearing our baby's heartbeat and waiting a little... it's now time to share the wonderful news! Our little family is growing as we take in each breath. With ever beat my heart takes, my child is alive and well and I am so humbled and grateful. My heart is so happy

 A friend of ours told us, "God searched the whole world and knew that you were the perfect couple to raise this child for such a time as this." and you know what...more and more I believe that very statement. God is so faithful. He has such perfect plans and timing even beyond what we can comprehend. So....I'm just going to receive it! We are blessed beyond words...elated and excited. Thank you to those of you who have been praying for us for so long and continue to keep us lifted...we know prayer works and we feel them!! We love you all....and we are so, so grateful..Blessings!

Can't wait to meet our little love bug!

xo

Kris

"This is exactly what I am supposed to be doing."

That is what I thought to myself last night as I stood before 30 junior high girls. We had an awesome worship set, a special, God gave me a message about making certain right choices and then we had ministry time at the altar. Through out the message I encouraged the girls that either you CHOOSE or you LOSE. We challenged them to choose purity in all forms (how they think, what they look at, how they talk, dress and within the area of boys). We challenged them to choose love eachother, both friends and strangers and girls of all shapes, sizes and backgrounds. We challenged them to choose to love themselves. And we challeged the to choose Jesus. Because all of the stuff before it can all sound really nice..but without Jesus in their hearts, all that goodness falls by the wayside.

Some of the girls made first time decisions and gave their hearts to Jesus last night. A few others realized they  needed to get back up and walk the path they know God has for them...many of them had already made that decision.

Then, when they know personally who we are sharing from...well then it all can start to make sense. So as we prayed...as the sweet song sung by Kari Jobe "My Beloved" played...as these precious young ladies fell to their knee's and sobbed from the pain of self loathing, low self esteem, a heart check and so much more...I stood there...

Did you know that in a survey of girls in America aged 13-17, 43% of them said they would compromise themselves for their boyfriend? Did you know that one survey found that in girls aged 9-10, 40% of them have tried to lose weight? Did you know that in our country, 53% of 13 year old girls are unhappy with their bodies? Did you know that 93% if teenage girls wish they could change something about their bodies? Did you also know that only 2% of American teenage girls consider themselves beautiful?

TWO percent.

Wait-you didn't know? Neither did I. I mean I knew I definitely had self esteem issues growing up. I knew that I was teased and outright treated like I was invisible all through junior high. I knew that most of my sixth grade year was spent eating my lunch alone in the bathroom or in my english teachers class as she graded papers. I knew that I constantly volunteered to do certain group projects alone before we could even pick partners because most of the time, I was left to just be assigned by my teacher to a group. I knew the pain I had experienced. I also knew some of them had some issues with self-image. Why then was I beyond oblivious and quite honestly "too busy" to care?

My heart broke...it just fell to a million little pieces. I was so convicted by my apathy. Surely these girls get some encouragement from their parents? Surely they feel our love when we say hello or give them a big hug when we see them in service. Yea...yea..they are fine.

Can I tell you something? The kids are not alright.

As we had our altar time, as my women leaders made their way through to pray for each girl...I tried to pray and my voice cracked, my heart pounded and I felt so hot all over. I felt their pain. I saw the tears stream from their eyes, I saw their hands clenched together as they prayed that God would heal their hearts and minds...I saw as their bodies jerked from crying as a leader layed hands and poured love and prayer over them...

God did heart surgery and he helped trasnform minds last night. We declared out loud that we CHOOSE life. We CHOOSE purity of the mind, body and spirit. We CHOOSE to love eachother and to love ourselves for EXACTLY who we are...and we CHOOSE JESUS...above all we choose Jesus...

The songs kept playing...they girls prayed over eachother. They embraced eachother and began to tell eachother they were beautiful and a perfect creation. They left it all there...here is what some of them said in their promises they wrote down to leave at the altar :

"I choose purity in all forms. I think if I do that then I will really be able to accept Jesus' truths and I will learn to love myself."

"Sometimes I feel like I am not pretty because I am not skinny. But now I will accept myself for who I am because GOD made me and I love Him."

"I need to choose to love my face and my body."

"I choose Jesus."

"I was bullied, so now I bully. But I need help in my attitude. To not judge. To accept myself too and not gossip. To let people (girls) into my life."

"I choose to love others, I struggle with friends."

"I choose Jesus. I don't like certain things about me. I need to learn that God made me perfect. I am not a mistake"

"To not focus on my weight. I need to love myself. And love God more."

"I need to choose to love myself and stop thinking I am not a regular girl. I need to learn I am made perfect in God's eyes"

There are so many more...but as I stood there...as I saw them lay these little stickie notes down with their promises on them at the altar...I couldn't help my cry with them. To hug them. To pull their hair back and whipe their tears. And all I thought was, "This is exactly what I am supposed to be doing." Not so much in the sense that I feel called to be a minister..but it's that I love these girls. I-and every other woman should be pouring into the younger generations. Offering to help teach God's word and truth to them. They are so bombarded with just junk. They need encouragement, they need affirmation, they need love...

God just moved so big in them last night. I believe he opened their eyes to a lot, even things about themselves that it can be really hard to face. To God be ALL the glory for last night...in no way, shape or form could I have drummed any of that up....I am so, so, so grateful to God that he gave us all the opportunity to come together-just the ladies....so grateful. They left feeling lighter, smiling a little bigger and with arms wrapped around eachother...so awesome..God is so good.

We are not done. Oh no...far from it...this is just the beginning...these girls are ready for more...

Kari Jobe-My Beloved

(such a beautiful song)

It's about 87 degree's out and summer is coming to an official (calendar) end this week...

It doesn't feel like fall is around the bend but I know that in no time, it will be October..and I'm relieved. I've said it before, I feel like I am ready for fall. I love each season in its own way, and fall for me this year just feels like it is the end to a crazy year...

Now, perhaps this thinking is somewhat carnal in that God is the one to bring the true [spritual] 'seasons' in our lives...however, with the actual changing of the seasons, I think my mind will recognize it all the more. Because in that, I can physically see the transition in the leaves and sky. I will begin to feel the crispness in the air and sniff out the smokey scent that fall fireplaces bring. Soon the tree's will be bare and the moist grass strewn with the rainbow of Autumn. And I will look to the cloudy, amber sunsets and think of the year that has come and gone so quickly. In that moment of bittersweet rememberance of the events that unfolded this year...I can still thank God for everything..He still deserves all my praise and thanks..

Because no matter where I was physically and where my heart broke at times, God was always there to love me, to hold me, to sharpen me and mold me. I never in my wildest imagination would have ever thought this year (or any other for that matter) would have gone the way it did. Are there things I would have changed? In my simple mind, yes. Am I going to sit here and tell God he slipped up on this one, never.

You see the thing about this whole "God" thing is that although life doesn't become easier, it does become doable and you find joy, peace on confidence in ways you would never have without Christ in your life. Just because I pray a prayer doesn't mean I get that "get-out-of-jail-free" card. But let me tell you something, and I want you to listen with your heart...having Christ in my life, was the best decision I have ever, EVER, ever made...life may not get easier, but the strength through Christ that you gain allows you & affords you the opportunity to not just 'get through' things. Rather what you gain in Christ, it all carries you above the storms. And the peace in it all is...beyond anything I can describe. It boils down to this: when you try to do it right, with God, by God..He honors that. I know, that everything I have been through so far in my 24 years of life has made me the person I am today. God is not finished with me yet, so please; have patience with me. Give me a little grace because I am not perfect. But, God is. His ways are far above ours...He is in every circumstance and only wants the best for us. So in knowing that...I know, everything is alright. Not "it will be" alright..it already is. Because God said so. Remain close to Him. Reman in in Him, and you can do all things.

It's ironic how thinking of leaves falling, certain tree's not bearing much fruit and all that fall does to the cycle of plant life...how in all of this, I can't help but meditate on John 15:5, "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing" In this time...I ask God with all my heart that He remain in me as I yearn to remain in Him. Jesus let me produce the good fruit you would have me to...

I want to be used, blessed and molded. Like the changing of the leaves I pray that God stirs and creates a change in me mentally and emotionally. I know He is able. I know He is true to His Word. I know He is just and faithful to His children.

I'm excited for this new season in my life and will be content and happy with where I am at so far. I kept saying, "I'll still find joy and peace 'in the mean time' "...well, this isn't "the mean time" this is IT. This is THE time. Get your act together because this is NOT a dress rehearsal, you only get one shot at life. Every season has its cue's and purpose...I encourage you to take a step back and really observe where you are, what you have come from, see where you need to make changes and ask God to do some heart surgery...fix the brokennessor pain so that you can continue to serve Him..or maybe just begin to. He has equipped you to handle it all, you just have to read the manual ;)

So, I look ahead...I remain in Christ and I work at it all. Getting right. Feeling whole. Finding joy & being used. Because God isn't finished with me yet. I can feel Him working in me...turning over a new leaf...so grateful Lord...

That's what I said as tears flowed down my face this past Saturday..God..."You saved me..."

I meant it in the "right now" sense as far as what Chris and I had gone through with our loss...I gave my life to Christ when I was 12 so I have been "saved" by grace ever since. Saturday though, I meant that God saved me from..well, let me explain..

In working through all the feelings, emotions and physical and mental growth and recovery that comes from losing a pregnancy/baby..I had read countless stories, posts and received emailes of women who just were so lost along with everything else. The depression and grief were just too strong and thus they felt so helpless, hopeless, weak and broken. I was so scared I would somehow end up so wrapped up in all of it that I wouldn't be able to get out. Nothing goes back to normal right away, its natural for things to take some time. But in my reading, research and inquiring posts on message boards, I learned all too well of the pit that waits if we cannot somehow find the strength to..well, be strong. I mean really, in times like that..you are just so desperate to feel in just the tiniest bit of control and hope that the strength you need so badly will soon come..

I remember..in the first couple of weeks, in going to the appointment and finding out we had lost our baby, in just a couple hours after that having to schedule the procedure and then in the days we took to just "be"..I absolutely hated my humanness. Because in that, in my humanness I was acutely aware of the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do.

Nothing.

In my circumstance-in that very moment Chris and I were left alone in the doctors office to just take a few minutes to ourselves before we had to make any decisions. You could just feel the rawness of emotion and even in that sadness, I felt held. Jesus was there with us, holding us and mourning with us. That was the only moment in my entire life that my heart was broken. But I still felt God there..

And in the events that were to follow and the weeks that were to come, we had to put one foot infront of the other and move forward. I felt though, in getting up and getting ready for work..in planning things each weekend and waking each day..some how, I felt like I was doing my baby an injustice. But through my husband, a friend of ours (Natalie Valdez, love you girl!)..and God..they all helped me realize that this was necessary and God was with us. We will never forget that pregnancy and our first baby, we just can't. But with God, we can still honor her--but also start to live life again, try for a baby again, be excited for other people's pregnancies and baby announcements and baby showers again. (now, most of this pertains to me but..you get what I'm trying to say) I think for me, it was harder #1) because I am emotional by nature as a woman..and #2) it was my body that had begun to change and take the shape necessary to take care of the little life inside me..and it was my body that also had to endure everything that came along with no longer being pregnant..and with the recovery. All of that was just a constant reminder for me, and different from the way in which Chris was handling things. And that's okay, thats normal...we are both healing and still, getting better each day.

Yes, some days certain things still sting..I stare at pregnant women some days and others I just bounce my eyes. Certain songs or poems I hear or see grip me like they wouldn't have before. But what I want to get across, and make clear..is that with God, all of this is easier. Easy in the sense that its doable. Moving forward is possible. Having a healed heart, being able to again, find joy in things that would otherwise hurt my heart because of my loss..its all possible with God. I realized that early on..as Chris and I would tell eachother constantly, that God is the same. He is still God. Like he was when we got pregnant. Like He was when the world was right..the world isn't dark and wrong now as far as "our" lives went. And yes, I sat there for hours sometimes in my prayer time just telling God, "you can step in, you can change all of this, you can save us from this." And I all of a sudden realized one day, He could have.

He very well and certainly could do anything. But he didn't. And nothing in me ever felt like God "did this to us" or even "let it happen" to teach us a lesson or build our faith or even punish us. That is not my God. I read in one book that one nurse told the author when she had lost her baby that, "we live in a fallen world"..and we do. This world is not perfect, it isn't even meant for us. Our loss just..happened..and instead our precious baby was born straight into heaven..how amazing. God has His hand over it all, and we trust Him. So when the world says I should expect to feel depressed, sad for months after and still grieve for months to years, that this may cause discord in the marriage, that I will be too emotional to work right or be involved with friends and activities. That this will always be a scar on my heart and in my memory and will make me tense or scared with the next pregancy. I can turn to God's word and hear, " Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers^[a] of this world, rather than from Christ." Col. 2:8 All of those worldly thoughts are carnal and not of God. Because God says that we, "...use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. ⁵ We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."-2 Cor 10:4-5. These weapons only come from using His word to guard and battle with our minds and hearts..when we want to just sit in the sorrow, God's Word reminds us that He has a perfect plan for our lives of fullness and plans to prosper us and not harm or hurt us (Jer 29:11).

And that's what I set to do, it's what I have been working on. To get my mind and heart aligned with God's and be okay with being happy again. Prayer and God's word not only kept me afloat during our loss, now they are ushering me forward with a heart that is healing...better that what the World said could happenor how it could happen or when. And I am just so grateful to God. That he carried us. He continues to carry us...we will not forget our first little love Isa, but we can have joy and peace again and have no guilt or sadness in even thinking about trying for another baby. Because God does intend for us to be his hands and feet in this world, and to live a life of fullness, joy, purpose and to have sound minds in Him. Choosing Christ was the best decision I ever made..he has saved me in every way....

Saved me from eternal pain both after my life ends and while I am still living it..I am not only saved by grace and faith to be able to spend eternity in heaven (Eph 2:8). But also saved in that he rescued me from the depression or fear or sorrow or hard heart I could have easily had if He was not with me. I don't know how I would have done any of this without God and I give Him all the Glory..all of it. On my own I am weak and broken but with Christ I can be whole and filled again! And He is always, always with me..

^"38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:38-39

"And be sure of this; I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matt. 28:20

So, I am happy..I am. I miss my baby everyday..but I remember the pregnancy fondly..I thank God for the little time I had with her..and the short while I carried her, even though it was a tough pregnancy..I loved it still. I will forever love my child..and until I can hold her; Heaven will. She is forever in our hearts..and I hope someday soon, we will be able to giver her a brother or sister...Chris and I are excited to be able to try again in the fall...and we trust completely that God see's things we cannot. He is on the throne, in Heaven..and He see's us. He loves us deeply. He has not changed.

You saved me, Jesus...you saved me..I see the sunlight..I love you...I feel you and I love you...I exalt you God. All I can say is thank you..and I will exalt you..you are my God...

Psalm 91

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
³ Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
⁹ If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
¹⁴ “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

I have to be honest..in working through this I did still find some day to still be so hard..and while I had set my baby in the hands of Jesus..and we dedicated her to Christ..I still felt the emptiness.

It amazes me how immediate, deep and overflowing..the love I have for my child. I didn't even meet her face to face and yet how much I miss her..I can't even explain. But I know she is in heaven, resting with The King of Kings..the one who comforts mommy & daddy..and in heaven..she is also there with her Grandma (Chris' mom) & Grandpa (my dad's dad) :)

Currently, the doctor thinks I have finally finished miscarrying...my body should start to go back to normal and soon it will all seem better. Right now though, I know my hormones are the biggest battle. I was told, I could feel deep sadness and even slight depression, simply due to the hormonal imbalance and shift that comes when the body tries to stabalize the hormones after the loss...

Even after the loss, my body still thought I was pregnant..I actually had to have a procedure to dialate me and pills to induce contractions..the physical aspect was just..painful and now with all of that done for good I hope..I am left to recover not only physically, but emotionally and even mentally.

I am not here to...dwell on the pain, though..because God's word says I AM made whole. And no matter what the doctors say..I dont want to live my days expecting more pain and sadness or even depression, I dont claim any of this for me. I will not have it. Because I know God has called my body to wholeness and he has begun a work He intends to finish. I know that my beautiful baby is in heaven and in the presence of our Saviour...How amazing is it..that she felt no pain and even looked as if she was sleeping in her last ultrasound. And even though she was with us for 11 short weeks..she is now in eternity in the presence of angels and our Heavenly Father..what a comfort to know that not only did the pregnancy boost our faith and the faith of others, but while she is there in heaven..her little life is still touching others.

I have had women message me that they too have had losses..and one, even after almost four years and having a son who is now 3 1/2..she had not dealt with the loss, and since reading the blog, and how we have taken steps to try to honor God through all this and honor the short life of our first baby..she has been able to find comfort and peace finally.. Praise God...Praise you Lord....

You see, in the toughest times..we try to reason "why"...and I can say, that even if I had some solid or spiritual reasoning as to why we have had to endure this...it will not change what has happened, nor will it change the fact that we still LOVE our God..or the fact that we still want children..

So when I am told, to expect pain both in the physical and emotional..to expect feelings of depression...I nod and take a deep breath. I realize what this world has to say regarding what to expect with the loss..thats fine. But I serve a God who said He would be with me..near to me and comfort me.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"-Psalm 34:18

A God who's Word says He was wounded and broken so that I may be made whole. A God who's scars will heal mine..and who said He is here to heal us..because He is the only potter to fix what has been broken..

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"-Psalm 147:3

He is with us even in our deepest need..we are NEVER alone..

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."-Isaiah 43:2

And be sure of this; I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matthew 28:20

And not only will he be with us..in our pain and time of great need..He will deliver and protect us..


"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but God delivers Him out of them all."-Psalm 34:19

"Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you and you will honor me."-Psalm 50:22


So even though the World says to continue to expect pain, God said He would heal me. And I can trust His Word..

"For no Word from God will ever fail."-Luke 1:37

And after all this.. God continues to show us His unfailing love..a love we cannot earn but one He freely gives. Not only does he lay with us and weep when we weep..and hurt when we hurt..He delivers and protects us..He comforts us..and is allows us to put all of us in Him

"And so Lord, where do I put hope? My only hope is in you."-Psalm 39:7

He refines us..He purifies us..

"These trials are only to test your faith.. It's (faith) being tested as fire tests and purifies gold...." 1 Peter 1:7

And then...we come out, stronger that ever..


God gives power to the faint and strengthens the powerless. But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."-Isaiah 40:29-31

That is the God we serve. He loves us deeply..He never leaves us..I am beyond grateful, that this is the kind of God we have..

God in Heaven...we recognize today that you are still on the throne. You are above all else, you see things in ways we cannot and we bring Glory to you Father. In our deepest need, God-rescue us from the waters we see no way out of. Change our hearts and minds God to the things of YOU. We love you Lord..We worship you..You alone are God. We trust you..we declare healing over us, physically, mentally and emotionally...we know you are here God so help us to draw near to you..we yearn to feel you Jesus. Wrap us in your mighty arms of love and hold us as we weep. Then, God...renew our joy once again..bring your Holy Spirit to move upon us..so that we may move on behalf of you. Continue to show us your Will while we wait on you.

Jesus I thank you right now..for the babies you have for us..ready for us to love and kiss and hold. I thank you for the children to come, that they are healthy and strong. Thank you that you see them now and they are blessed and healthy..that the conception will be perfect and whole..your works are wonderful God and there are many more to come--your hand does not fail or miss..you have formed their every part and your works are perfect..your righteousness and perfection prevail beyond the pain. You make no mistake God, we trust you and know that in our weakness, you are made strong and so we reside in you. We thank you for all the blessings we have God, including eachother..and most of all God..we thank you..that we still have you...and you are so Good..

This morning I woke up..the sun bright in our room. I felt somewhat rested for a change..and almost by habit I reached down and gently rubbed by belly to say goodmorning. For a second...I forgot...and then almost immediately I realized the loss all over again..slowly the warm tears streamed down the sides of my face and  today I feel it more than ever...my baby is not here anymore..

Tuesday was our 12 week appointment..there we were due to hear that strong heartbeat again just like we did at our 6 week appointment in June. Chris of course came along and and just before doctor squirted the gel on my growing tummy she felt around and showed me where my uterus was..how it had indeed grown and was right where it should be at 12 weeks. She then applied the cool gel and the doppler, turned it on and searched..

My heartbeat came right away..and then she moved. Mine again..then..again, just mine..she said sometimes at 12 wks its hard to tell and so an ultrasound will show the heartbeat and baby since sometimes the little one is just further back inside me. Chris' face still looked so excited and expectant..which killed me inside. Becuase by this time I already felt this pit in my stomach and the tears started to flow almost uncontrollably..She called for the ultrasound machine, searched on my belly and the picture became visable..I knew instantly...

I had searched and seen what felt like hundreds of 12 wk ultrasound pictures and videos and I knew by this time we should see the baby moving around and it would look like a baby, with a cute little profile and everything. And the images infront of us showed a baby smaller and less defined than I knew it should have been, and no movement at all. I couldn't see the heart flicker or pumping like before..we heard nothing..our precious baby had already gone to be with Jesus last Wednesday at 11 wks 4 days...s/he was just...sleeping it looked like..

Chris continued to pray over me right there in the doctors office, we prayed and asked God to please just wake him up...wake up our child..let him turn over so we can see what we yearned to see. Another doctor came in to verify with an internal ultrasound..by now this was the 3rd one we had that day..and we knew that was it...it was all over and yet just beginning something new all at the same time..our baby left us last week and yet I felt as if it had just been taken from me in the last hour..

The doctors left us alone for a while..I felt nothing in that room but despair. Loss. Such sadness. We cried together, we prayed and fell silent. After, I was sent for bloodwork and to pick up prescriptions for the procedure I was to have done the next morning to remove the pregnancy. After 3 hours of being at Kaiser we were finally able to go home...family and friends came over to offer support and buy us dinner. I was surprisingly...strong and at peace almost...I know that only God could do that at a time like this.

The next morning I woke up around 4:15 am with extremely painful cramping for over an hour and thought my body might be doing what it needed to on its own finally but after a while they stopped and I tried to go back to sleep until the alarm was to go off. I took the valium at 8:30 as instructed and before I knew it we were off to kaiser for a D&C My mom and step dad were there waiting for us. I was so drowsy but painfully aware of what was going on..praying in my heart for God to please be with us now more than ever.. we checked in..prayed and I gave Chris one last kiss and went back to the room alone. I wanted to do it alone. I felt okay to do it alone and didn't want to put anyone else through the procedure too as I knew I would be awake..

I wont go into detail with the procedure at all. I'll only say it was me, the doctor and the sweetest, strongest nurse with me in the room..I will never forget the pain or procedure...I will never forget laying there as the doctor started..and me telling my baby how sorry I was..how much I loved and missed him/her...how sorry I was mommy couldn't protect him/her and how much I promised, I promise I will love you forever.. I know it wasn't my fault..I know the miscarriage was a result of nothing I did at all...but sometimes I just cant help it..it felt like forever..I had my iPod in and tried to listen to worship during it all..then finally..it was over

We were finally able to leave...I was still in a lot of pain for a few hours after the procedure, even with an extra shot of pain medication before we left Kaiser..Chris, my mom, step dad and sister were all with me the rest of the day and I thank God for their support. My mom is amazing..so caring and such a giver..and my sister and step-dad are an awesome support. My dad also came by and visited.. And Chris, my amazing husband...he is taking such good care of me..even through dealing with all of this in a way only he can, he also has to take care of his wife...and he is doing amazing. Trials like this show me who he really is..what he is truly made of..I could not do this without him..the love I am have for him just grows deeper each second and I know together..we can get through this.

In those past two days I felt strong. I felt peace. I even smiled a few times and talked to people. The kind words, support, love and prayers we have received via email, text, facebook, and calls has just been so, so amazing. We are so grateful for it all..truly..I can feel the prayers working..

I know it will take time to heal..even past the physical. I know some days will be harder than others. I know it's okay to be broken and sad and even angry..but I also know we serve a big God. A God who loves us deeply..a God who has not left us. I don't know why after struggling to get pregnant we finally do only to have it taken from us...for us to only to be put through the most painful experience emotionally and physically I have ever been through..why? I don't know why..why did we testified to the miracle of this pregnancy in front of our entire churn only to now have to explain the loss.. I don't know..I feel so lost and heartbroken.

But I have to trust...we have to trust and find comfort in His plan. Jesus guide us. I know you are here..I can't figure any of this out..and I know you know how much we stepped out in faith and wanted this baby...so for now..just sit with us..we still love you with all our hearts..

Lord, in the meantime..take care of our precious baby...tell him/her about mama and daddy..we love you baby Avila...we have always loved you..I knew you in my dreams. We will always love you..find joy my little one as you lay with Jesus..we will see you one day my love...mama loves you..

" And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of ages."-Matthew 28:20

We do not lose faith or hope. We do not grow bitter or distant. We trust in you Oh God..guide us through this time, bless those who have been there for us. Heal our hearts, minds, bodies and spirits..grieve with us and lead us to peace and joy once again. Oh Jesus..wrap us in your loving arms. Hold us as we sleep..let us grow closer together and let us not grow too weary. God heal us. Mend us. Give us wisdom and strengthen our minds against the enemy. And most of all..we Praise you for who you are. We worship you still..with heavy hearts and tear filled eyes..we still rejoice in the fact that you are GOOD. You have not left us..and we just ask that you remain at the center. We love you Lord..We Love You.

If you read in the "back story" of the blog to the right you can see the inspiration, purpose & thought behind creating this new blog. I, although a private person, have always had this...desire to be transparent about life. I know, I know..so contradictory but for me it makes sense somehow. I love learning from others, taking in what lessons life has to offer and sharing my experiences as well. I know, I know...I'm only 24 and I still have a lot of life to live and learning to do. Well, thats my point.

I think going through life and being able to share life, not just with the ones you hold dear and near but with-well, anyone is kind of neat. To be able to sit and put my life in words can be fun for me and leave way to documenting the grandures and simplicities of..again, life!

To start, let me say that I loved, loved, loved my last blog. Not Broken was about my (and "our") journey through infertility, trying to conceive and the other parts of life that were meshed in there. I wanted to share every part of what went through my heart and head and hopefully after every post leave not just an experience of mine..but the hope and comfort of the Lord with whatever readers I had...In that I was prepared to go as far as God would've taken us. I was prepared to face hormone therapy or IUI if it came down to it and I was also prepared for a pregnancy no matter how soon or not-so-soon it may come. And with all the prayer, God encounters and doctors appointments...much to my surprise...we got our blessing. In the month we were waiting to be put on a list to see a specialist at a fertility clinic in nearby Fremont...we got pregnant! Our lil victory baby is due Jan 28th 2012 and Chris and I couldn't be more excited...

I'll share more about that later...post pictures and all that jazz...but for now..this is just a hello. A breif, swift intro to this new little avenue. I look forward to all I will get to write about...and thanks for following :)

-K