..mama finished reading Heaven is For Real last night...

It's such a good book..loved the chapter "two sisters". I love how it describes their angel baby as happy and adopted by God (The Father)...and that she cannot wait for her mommy and daddy to get there. I never ever doubted that angel babies like you went to Heaven, that's just something I know. But I did realize that..there..you have such fullness, just like I prayed you would and wrote to you when we wrote our letters to you on that balloon.

There in Heaven with our Savior...you have everything you will ever need. There you will never experience pain. There you will never cry in sadness or hurt. There you will never feel alone or unloved or be dissapointed, discouraged or upset.

There you have love, true joy...peace, comfort...rest, smiles and every good thing. I thank God as I remember the pregnancy, as I remember you and your little heart beating inside me...I thank God that you can be with Him, experiencing all He ever had for you..and you are safe and happy and loved and cared for..

If you are not in my arms..there is no place I would rather you be than Jesus'..resting and thinking of us..singing and worshipping our God. I miss you every.single.day. but know that we are doing good my little love..our hearts are full and glad in Jesus name...we are happy...God is with us too...

I think of you often..I can't wait to see your sweet little face one day..I bet you have my smile and your daddy's eyes...I pray for you still. And I know there in heaven...you can't wait to see us..but you have everything you need...my heart smiles in that..all of me finds comfort and assurance in that simple fact..that there, you have everything you will ever need...

I love you...I love you..I love you...I will know your face when I get there one day...my baby..♥

{listening to: the theif-brooke fraser}

That's what I said as tears flowed down my face this past Saturday..God..."You saved me..."

I meant it in the "right now" sense as far as what Chris and I had gone through with our loss...I gave my life to Christ when I was 12 so I have been "saved" by grace ever since. Saturday though, I meant that God saved me from..well, let me explain..

In working through all the feelings, emotions and physical and mental growth and recovery that comes from losing a pregnancy/baby..I had read countless stories, posts and received emailes of women who just were so lost along with everything else. The depression and grief were just too strong and thus they felt so helpless, hopeless, weak and broken. I was so scared I would somehow end up so wrapped up in all of it that I wouldn't be able to get out. Nothing goes back to normal right away, its natural for things to take some time. But in my reading, research and inquiring posts on message boards, I learned all too well of the pit that waits if we cannot somehow find the strength to..well, be strong. I mean really, in times like that..you are just so desperate to feel in just the tiniest bit of control and hope that the strength you need so badly will soon come..

I remember..in the first couple of weeks, in going to the appointment and finding out we had lost our baby, in just a couple hours after that having to schedule the procedure and then in the days we took to just "be"..I absolutely hated my humanness. Because in that, in my humanness I was acutely aware of the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do.

Nothing.

In my circumstance-in that very moment Chris and I were left alone in the doctors office to just take a few minutes to ourselves before we had to make any decisions. You could just feel the rawness of emotion and even in that sadness, I felt held. Jesus was there with us, holding us and mourning with us. That was the only moment in my entire life that my heart was broken. But I still felt God there..

And in the events that were to follow and the weeks that were to come, we had to put one foot infront of the other and move forward. I felt though, in getting up and getting ready for work..in planning things each weekend and waking each day..some how, I felt like I was doing my baby an injustice. But through my husband, a friend of ours (Natalie Valdez, love you girl!)..and God..they all helped me realize that this was necessary and God was with us. We will never forget that pregnancy and our first baby, we just can't. But with God, we can still honor her--but also start to live life again, try for a baby again, be excited for other people's pregnancies and baby announcements and baby showers again. (now, most of this pertains to me but..you get what I'm trying to say) I think for me, it was harder #1) because I am emotional by nature as a woman..and #2) it was my body that had begun to change and take the shape necessary to take care of the little life inside me..and it was my body that also had to endure everything that came along with no longer being pregnant..and with the recovery. All of that was just a constant reminder for me, and different from the way in which Chris was handling things. And that's okay, thats normal...we are both healing and still, getting better each day.

Yes, some days certain things still sting..I stare at pregnant women some days and others I just bounce my eyes. Certain songs or poems I hear or see grip me like they wouldn't have before. But what I want to get across, and make clear..is that with God, all of this is easier. Easy in the sense that its doable. Moving forward is possible. Having a healed heart, being able to again, find joy in things that would otherwise hurt my heart because of my loss..its all possible with God. I realized that early on..as Chris and I would tell eachother constantly, that God is the same. He is still God. Like he was when we got pregnant. Like He was when the world was right..the world isn't dark and wrong now as far as "our" lives went. And yes, I sat there for hours sometimes in my prayer time just telling God, "you can step in, you can change all of this, you can save us from this." And I all of a sudden realized one day, He could have.

He very well and certainly could do anything. But he didn't. And nothing in me ever felt like God "did this to us" or even "let it happen" to teach us a lesson or build our faith or even punish us. That is not my God. I read in one book that one nurse told the author when she had lost her baby that, "we live in a fallen world"..and we do. This world is not perfect, it isn't even meant for us. Our loss just..happened..and instead our precious baby was born straight into heaven..how amazing. God has His hand over it all, and we trust Him. So when the world says I should expect to feel depressed, sad for months after and still grieve for months to years, that this may cause discord in the marriage, that I will be too emotional to work right or be involved with friends and activities. That this will always be a scar on my heart and in my memory and will make me tense or scared with the next pregancy. I can turn to God's word and hear, " Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers^[a] of this world, rather than from Christ." Col. 2:8 All of those worldly thoughts are carnal and not of God. Because God says that we, "...use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. ⁵ We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."-2 Cor 10:4-5. These weapons only come from using His word to guard and battle with our minds and hearts..when we want to just sit in the sorrow, God's Word reminds us that He has a perfect plan for our lives of fullness and plans to prosper us and not harm or hurt us (Jer 29:11).

And that's what I set to do, it's what I have been working on. To get my mind and heart aligned with God's and be okay with being happy again. Prayer and God's word not only kept me afloat during our loss, now they are ushering me forward with a heart that is healing...better that what the World said could happenor how it could happen or when. And I am just so grateful to God. That he carried us. He continues to carry us...we will not forget our first little love Isa, but we can have joy and peace again and have no guilt or sadness in even thinking about trying for another baby. Because God does intend for us to be his hands and feet in this world, and to live a life of fullness, joy, purpose and to have sound minds in Him. Choosing Christ was the best decision I ever made..he has saved me in every way....

Saved me from eternal pain both after my life ends and while I am still living it..I am not only saved by grace and faith to be able to spend eternity in heaven (Eph 2:8). But also saved in that he rescued me from the depression or fear or sorrow or hard heart I could have easily had if He was not with me. I don't know how I would have done any of this without God and I give Him all the Glory..all of it. On my own I am weak and broken but with Christ I can be whole and filled again! And He is always, always with me..

^"38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:38-39

"And be sure of this; I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matt. 28:20

So, I am happy..I am. I miss my baby everyday..but I remember the pregnancy fondly..I thank God for the little time I had with her..and the short while I carried her, even though it was a tough pregnancy..I loved it still. I will forever love my child..and until I can hold her; Heaven will. She is forever in our hearts..and I hope someday soon, we will be able to giver her a brother or sister...Chris and I are excited to be able to try again in the fall...and we trust completely that God see's things we cannot. He is on the throne, in Heaven..and He see's us. He loves us deeply. He has not changed.

You saved me, Jesus...you saved me..I see the sunlight..I love you...I feel you and I love you...I exalt you God. All I can say is thank you..and I will exalt you..you are my God...

It's been 23 days since we lost our first baby, 17 since we found out we lost her and 14 since we dedicated our angel baby to Christ and said our goodbyes...I sat here counting the days just now and I can't believe it..it hasn't even been that long and in some aspects it feels like its been an eternity...

While I wish so badly that I could've seen her beautiful little face and kiss her tiny hands...held her and felt her breath on my chest as we fell asleep together..snapped pictures of her and Chris cuddling in the Saturday morning sunlight..watch him pray over her each night as he did when she was in my tummy...while I wish with everything in me that we could have had all of that...I know, my precious Isabel is alive and well in heaven and in our hearts...and God is using her life still.

It almost feels crazy to me that in what little time we had with our baby...and the short time its been since she went to heaven...how much God has moved in all of this. While it is such a horrible thing, for a mom and dad to lose their baby, I think, for me at least..the real tragedy would have been all of this happening...us going through the loss, and that be it.

The real tragedy would be going through the loss and it going no further than that. For it all to just be literally "lost". I thank God everyday that even in her short life, Isabel had a purpose and in heaven, she is doing The Lord's work..how beautiful to know that! I thank God that in our pain and weakness He is made so, so strong and He rests with us. He moves in us still even through our brokenness..I look back at the posts I wrote right when everything was going on and its like I tell myself, "what...?" Without Jesus in my life there is NO way I could have done any of that...but God pushed me to use my ability to write..and I did. It felt good. I just prayed that it wouldnt only be an outlet for me...but a tool God would use to minister to others..to encourage others; especially women who have lost a baby..

I am just in awe of how God works..how His purpose for our baby is still being lived out and always will be..How God does what He says He will do...

^"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."-Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

Like Chris has told me before, "God already has it all worked out". He does. His word is true. His heart is good and whatever we offer to Him..He will use it. I just love that. My heart sometimes can only hang on this verse because I am weak. But God is so merciful and gives grace and comfort to His children in their time of need...To know that He keeps me present before God Himself is so vital to every part of me because there were and still are times I am just too beyond myself to bring myself before God...but then the prayers of others help to usher me forward...the knowing that God is here keeps me there...and knowing that Jesus Christ keeps me present before God. He can never leave..He has been with us always..

So, even in our mess...God brings beauty in..and while our baby is in heaven and we are here to remember and always love her...we are also here to take care of Kingdom business and shine Christ..even in our darkest times..

So, to my precious Isa...look mamita..look what your little life has brought forth...see the fruit! I am so proud to be your mama... :) :

"I've been reading your blog, Kristina. It is truly amazing. Every post has made me cry -whether good tears, sad tears or hopeful tears- Your words touch my heart in such a way, I cannot expain. Your love for God, Chris and Isabel is extraordinary. You are a beautiful woman of God. You inspire me."Kayla, Facebook

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"How beautiful. what a wonderful way to honor your first child. May God continue to bless you and give you those much needed times of refreshing in this tough time. Your faith inspires me and honors Him... "poster from The Bump.com

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"I just wanted to say after reading your blog post that you guys are an incredible testimony and I know God is and will use this for His glory. My prayers are with you both."-poster from TheBump.com

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"I hope you do not mind but i have been reading your blog lately and i really enjoy reading it. You really inspire me to heal in this time of sadness and i wanted to thank you for sharing it..."-poster from, TheBump.com

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 "I read through your blog and I also have PCOS pretty bad myself. Your blog is very inspiring, and I have lost a lot of my faith in God since having 4 miscarriages. By reading through I have gotten through my 'hate' of God and my anger, and I wanted to thank you."-poster from TheBump.com

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"Your post moved me and I felt like I needed to contact you. I am so sorry for your loss and I thought it was so sweet that you dedicated your first baby to God. I share your faith in Jesus and know he is carrying and weeping with you and your husband."-poster from TheBump.com

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  "I just read your blog and the tears are flowing.. I'm so touched by your grace and faith. You are an amazing woman, wife and mother. I'd like to share that i had a missed miscarriage 6 months before concieving Carlitos. It was devastating to learn as you did of my baby's passing via ultrasound and you described so beautifully how i felt. But what you have also done is reaffirmed my faith that my baby--our babies--are with Jesus and waiting for us. As a new believer, I haven't really dealt with that miscarriage 3 and 1/2 years ago and now God has allowed me to embrace my baby and see that she/he is there--waiting for me. Thank you for letting me see this truth and please know that you are a light for people like me.. I love you and am praying for you, Chris and baby Avila..."-email from a friend on FB

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"I stumbled across your blog in your signature when I was looking for answers on this board yesterday. I was trying to read as much as I could to figure out what was going on with me. I think your blog is beautiful. You are honoring God and bringing glory to His name by the way you live your life."-poster from, TheBump.com

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I kept most of these anonymous obviously to guard and respect those who posted these words...but wow..Praise God...Thank you Jesus that you have turned this for your good...that our babies life still goes on...and that in the end...there is Glory brought to your name..and I just want the world to know...I really had nothing to do with any of this...my fingers did the typing..but all of this...was all God..and the fruit of Jesus in our lives..

Thank you God ....thank you that we can feel you in everything and that you never leave our lives. Even in the mystery of who you are...you show yourself to us so clear sometimes..we want to live in you God...search our hearts and bring healing and restoration..make us whole again..and while we will never forget the beautiful life of our baby(ies) in heaven or whatever struggle we may be in...we will allow ourselves to move ahead and stay in your plan...we invite you God, to start a work or continue the one you have started in each of us...Oh God...you are beyond anything we could comprehend or describe and sometimes our words do not do justice to who you really are...but we love you. Shine your light God...in the darkest parts of our life and allow us to see you working even in our pain...give us the strength to be used..we trust you God..we breathe you in...we love you. We declare it...in Jesus name...

The night before our 12 wk appointment, I had a dream that in the appointment they told us we were having a girl. When I woke up the next morning...I was a little perplexed. I knew it was just a dream and that at a 12 week appointment that is just too soon to learn the sex of the baby.Either way, it made me smile and I took it for what it was...a dream.

Flash forward to 2:00 pm that Tuesday afternoon and we find that we lost our baby and the chaos ensues. That night, I had no dream...I dont even remember sleeping, I was too nervous for the next morning...


That next morning, Wednesday, was the procedure and that night, I dreamt of a baby girl. She was an infant. She was all bundled up in pink onesie-long sleeve pajama's with the little feetsie bottoms, asleep and as peacful as ever. We were sitting in the bedroom and then I hand her off to Chris, he takes her into the living room where friends and family are, we all hang out...she wakes and I even nurse her (something I have obviously never done in real life). It was so surreal, so strange and so amazing all at the same time. But for some reason...I never caught a real glimpse of her little face. I remember gazing at her in my dream, just staring in awe at this baby girl..and yet when I woke..for the LIFE of me, I couldn't remember her face..but it was still an amazing dream. I didn't feel tortured by it, but rather somewhat comforted.

The next night, Thursday night...another dream. Only this time, she was a toddler. I'd say about 11 months or so. Running around all cute! In my dream, we were at this big event and Chris had just finished speaking and I was back stage with our daughter..she was dancing and running in circles, wearing jeans, gold ballet flats and a bright pink hoodie. She had short wavy/curly brown hair with a cute little flower clip holding her hair out of her face, just off to the side. Chris comes running down the corridor and swoops her up, you know-the way you do when you swing the child in the air and make them squeal with shear panic and joy! :)

He held her as we talked to other people backstage...she twirled her hair with her little fingers and giggled incessantly as daddy tickled her in between laughing with friends and conversing. But again, sadly I woke up and it was over. And again...I could not make out or remember her face. It was like that movie, Inception. Where his kids are there yet he cannot make out their faces but he knows his children. And she knew me...she knew my voice..she loved her daddy and just adored him...it was the best dream...and in that dream she had a name...

And her name, was Isabel.

We called her "Isa" for short sometimes, I remember that..but Isabel altogether.

Isabel.

When I was pregnant, Chris and I talked about names we liked and this one never really came up..In going through the loss, procedure and what was to follow, Chris had told me that in that time, he had prayed to  God, that He would help us with some identity for the baby we lost.. anything. But I had the dream about the doctor telling us we were having a girl before Chris prayed any of this...but after his prayers...in my dreams I had her for a while..and her name, her name was Isabel. I didn't tell Chris about any of this until the week after the loss...I think I still needed time to process it all and make sure I wasn't going crazy! Now, people may think I am insane or just too wrapped up still in the loss..but let me tell you. I know within my heart..that God heard our cries in the middle of our pain and answered that prayer. Yes, I think God can do this..and I know He did..without a shadow of a doubt, I believe that God not only let us know our baby was a girl...but He loved us enough to go one step further..and He named her.

Back to Friday of that week, Chris and I went to Half Moon Bay and dedicated and released "Baby Avila" to Christ and had our day together. It was a great day..we needed that. Then, the next day, before I knew it--I woke up..and realized..no dream. I hadn't had another, and I haven't had another since then. But when I stop, and think..about the dreams, about the timing..about it all. I smile. My heart smiles. It gives me such peace. I long for another dream like the ones I had that week, but I think God gave me all that I needed. He settled my heart about knowing my child since we never got to meet her and he answered Chris' prayers too..and this meant the world to him. To both of us.

I decided to make a short scrapbook for her of what we had so far through the pregnancy...pictures of the positive home pregnancy tests, of the little bump I had so far and of the two ultrasound pictures we had. Pictures of each of us and of the day we dedicated her at the beach, and journal entries I had so far about the pregnancy. It's not a lot as far as quantity..but when I think about how much it all meant to us..I can't just throw it all away or shove it in a box. We have a baby...and though she is not in our arms, she is forever in our hearts..and we are already mom & dad, just to an angel baby.

Since telling Chris, we have both found peace and joy in this :) I thought it would be nice to give her a full name..and so, upon Chris' approval, her middle name is Justine. It's my mom's middle name and then it was given to me as my middle name..and so, Isabel Justine...

"Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you.  Before you saw the light of day, I had Holy plans for you..."-Jeremiah 1:5 (The Message)

Isabel Justine Avila

I like it. Thank you God, for allowing me to have a husband who would even think to pray for this..and thank you for loving us enough..to do this for us..we love you Lord. We are grateful. God is just so good to us. :) We love you Isa...xoxo