Brownies.

The word induces so many warm fuzzies...so when I was searching for a recipe I could actually use, I was elated to finally tweak one to fit my needs. Recently, with Diego's health and recovery, I have had to switch up my diet big time. No dairy, eggs, sugar, gluten, grains, oats....none of it. But I desperately needed a dessert fix! Enter, these glorious brownies....I PROMISE they are a very substantial dupe for the regular stuff and even better FOR you and amazing for those who need a gluten, egg or sugar free option or even Paleo option. Small notation for those who are Paleo or dairy free, the flour mix used DOES have cultured buttermilk BUT for me, this teeny and cultured amount is ok. you could of course substitute a different baking mix without, so far I haven't and this recipe works fab!

Ingredients

2 1/2 c. Pamela's Pancake & Baking mix

2 1/4 c. coconut sugar/flakes

1/2 tsp sea salt

1 c. cocoa powder

1/4 tsp cinnamon (optional but I love it!)

2/3 cup veg oil (I also ad 1 tblsp coconut oil if I have it)

1 tsp vanilla extract

2 flax eggs ( 1tblsp flax meal + 3 tblsp water= 1 egg., let sit for 5 minutes, then add. that's for 1 egg substitute. the recipe calls for 2 so that = 2 tblsp flax seed meal + 6 tblsp water. ) if you can eat eggs just add 2 eggs instead!

3/4 c. water (1 cup of you use eggs in place of the flax seed substitute)

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease baking dish and pour. Bake for 25-30 mins. Let cool and enjoy!!

* I used 2 8x8 glass baking dishes and baked for 25 mins! 

Sometimes there is a recipe that comes along that makes you smile to the heavens and say thanks! This is one of them. Super easy, quick and if you have kid's that love to help in the kitchen even as young as two, this is a great mommy and me meal to make! I found a recipe on Pinterest (this one) and added a couple more ingredients to amp up the flavor!

Tons of flavor, a vegetarian option and ready in no time…oh--and it's still amazing as left overs if there are any.

Enjoy!

 Apologies for not getting a picture of the finished product…I dove right in to eat one at 10:00 a.m. and forgot to snap one! Ha! They are THAT good!

ABC Bingo is a HIT in our house!! Awesome for letter recognition and sounds as you say which letter to cross off! All of the letters are in different colors so go on and practice colors too! I laminated my cards and used dry erase markers to also help with grip and drawing skills…but using the sheets as is with beans, glass rocks or whatever works for you! Hope you have as much fun as we did….BINGOOOO!!! :)

xo
Kris

****LINK TO ABC BINGO SHEETS HERE****

Wanted to share with everyone TWO super cute printables for All About Me (theme) Week for your tot school, preschool or just for fun! The first one is an "All About Me" work sheet! Paste a picture of your little one's family, fill out the rest and enjoy showing them off! (there is a girl, boy and regular version)

The second is a LETTER recognition and coloring page, choose the letter your little one's name starts with and go to town!

FREE for YOU! I cannot wait to see all the cute work y'all do! Please tag me on IG or FB so we can see the work or use the hashtag #boldlymeektotschool and/or #boldlymeeklife

>>>download work sheets here<<<

xoxo

Kris

About a month ago I started REALLY potty training Mayah. Around her second birthday in February, she asked for a potty of her very own. We were stoked because she started to show interest and I got on this smug mom kick "my kid's going to potty train with ease!" as if the second I unboxed the thing she would have it down pat. Well, let say it hasn't exactly been the case. Actually, that hasn't been the case at all.

I know she catches on quick to a lot of things and so naturally, I assumed potty training would be a breeze. I did put it off for about six months for my own sanity, with having a newborn and an apartment full of carpet I wasn't exactly chomping at the bit to let her run free and bare bottomed with the three-day-no-undies approach. So once Aria was a little older, able to sit on her own if I needed to dash Mayah to her potty and we were moved into our new place which has zero carpet down stairs I knew it was time to start. Occasionally after her bath I would sit her down if she obliged. Sometimes she would tinkle and other times refused to even sit. This was our potty relationship pre-actual training. I would ask, she would sit. Sometimes she would go, sometimes she wouldn't. If she didn't want to sit or try I didn't push it.

Enter, actual potty training. I researched for months every method under the sun. The three day method. The one day method. The no-undies-while-potty-training method. The undies only method. The pull ups method. The hand signaling method. Stay with her. Dont stay with her. Keep it in the living room. Keep it in the bathroom. Stay outside and let her run naked with the potty outside (Texas heat says thats a no-go). Reward with M&M's. Sticker chart. Verbal affirmation. Timed sit downs. Every 15 minutes. Every 10. Let her tell me when she has to. Have me tell her when to go. GOOD GRIEF. Where the HECK do I begin. To say I was overwhelmed was an understatement. I was having anxiety just THINKING about it all and don't even get me STARTED on how to approach it through night time sleeps. ::as I rock back and forth in the fetal position::

I decided to try this approach:

1) no undies for the first week

2) setting a timer for every 15 minutes

3) sticker chart reward system and a special new toy when the chart is filled up.

4) one sticker for pee's, and two for poops 

5)after the first week, undies only at home and after one week we will venture out and pray to our sweet Lord she has not accidents (but if she does we have extra bottoms and undies in tow and lots of patience

Oh…and of course by week one she will be potty trained. Of course.

Day 1 was about 12 successful pee's, zero poops, 2 accidents and half of her pee's were all on her own. She would yell and say she had to pee and go sit down to do her duty. Day 2, a good amount of successes but only 2 of them were on her own with double the accidents. By day 3, more accidents, didn't go on her own at all, still hadn't pooped. Day 4-7 consisted of accidents, successes at my reminding to go and she wouldn't ask to go on her own anymore even when my prompting's shifted from "okay, lets go potty!" to "tell mommy when you feel like you have to go!" or "do you need to go potty?"

Day 5 we had an outing for a couple hours with a half hour drive there and back and she had zero accidents, held her pee and went on location (at muck-a-cheese that is..a.k.a chuck-e-cheese). I thought we were doing the uphill climb to consistency and every week after that she started to lose interest. She would have pee accidents in her undies whether out or at home no matter if I had just sat her down, asked her if she needed to go or if she had told me and just sat (which was more rare than ever). She had no problem pee'ing in her undies or pull-ups (which we used at night and started to use at outings because she had so many accidents) She would cry and say how yucky it felt when she pooped but pee's were no issue. If she had an accident it didn't phase her until I pointed out she had gone and not on the potty.

I had moments of very real frustration. WHY was Day 1 of all days a success and two and three weeks later she had near completely regressed? By week 4 she would cry out that her tummy hurt (meant she had to poo) and we put her on and she would go. So poops are starting to become potty only but pee's are no biggie for her to just go in her undies or pull ups (sounds backwards right?). 

It is the tail end of week 4 and I guess I have realized, and at the encouragement of some friends that she might not be ready. She isn't grasping it, has no issue with pee accidents but its good she's starting to poop only in her potty (at night a couple times she has even woken from sleep crying to go poo) those were fun! 

On some levels, she's ready. On the grander scale, it's not sticking. On some levels, I have the patience, on others, I find myself getting pretty upset when she has an accident. A few times, I am ashamed to say, I lost my cool and pretty much scolded her for having an accident and it was usually when we were out and about and I had things to do. Doesn't she understand I have a lot to get done and not a lot of time to do it all in? Potty training became an inconvenience. Her accidents were baffling. I became short tempered. Accidents were no big deal for her, and she would start crying the second I pointed out she had an accident, even if it was in love. It was all too much. Even with consistency.

We needed a break. She needed more time. I needed to check myself. Enter snuggles, patience, a potty training hiatus.

We also had some pretty big adjustments come in during her second week of potty training, my sister and her husband (and two boys age 3 and 1) moved in with us and the new changes probably threw her off as well.

The plan now is:

1) If she asks to go, she goes.

2) We ask if she wants to go from time to time, if she goes: cool. if she refuses: try again.

3) Pull ups are our friend, not foe 

4) We'll try again later. When she seems like she is ready to tackle it and the dust settles from all the new changes.

Here is what I have learned:

1) Research/advice/plans are good and necessary--but YOU know your kid. Mayah is strong willed, not so good with change (she needs time to adjust and soak it all in) and she can be stubborn. But she is also quick to catch on, excited when she accomplishes a task and once she has mastered something, it's on to the next. When potty training (after a month) didn't fit this normal pattern, I knew it was time to stop. A month on the grand scale isn't a long time but in potty training world I feel like it was enough to gauge where she's at and where she's not.

2) "Patience required" is an understatement. IT TOOK OVER MY LIFE for the first week. Promptings to pee every 15 minutes of our waking hours for a week….and not going anywhere………cabin fever….send help….S.O.S--it was all consuming and I wish someone would've told me: make freezer meals, alert the husband of days he will either need to order in or fend for himself, alert all friends you will be antisocial and make sure all casual, quick change clothes are washed because you will get pee on you at some point. You are welcome. Oh..and coffee, stock up on that goodness. Also, you know the reward chart or goodies your little one gets? Get you some of those too, mommy edition. You deserve it too.

3) I learned there is no extent to how ridiculous I will make myself look and/or sound in order to fully convey how PROUD I am of this little mama. When she had successes I cheered, I danced, I jiggled and shouted. Because when your "baby" makes one more inch toward "kid" you basically feel all the feels imaginable. Yup. First successful on-her-own-pee I was sobbing near her potty. I know, I know…get it together mom.

4) It is not a one size fits all game. I tried nearly three different approaches and changed them up and modified stuff when I felt I needed to and in the end had to wash my hands and say "I think we are done for now". And that's okay. We are less stressed, rigid about the potty in the face of no progress. Maybe I should just keep pushing through no matter what and I'm sure a lot of mama's will suggest a month isn't long to gauge and she's just being stubborn. But you know what? This is what is working for us right now. I don't want to scold after accidents or become frustrated because to ME it doesn't make sense that she isn't catching on. That's just what it is. Whether you master it in 3 days, a month, closer to 1 year and a half, 2 or 3: you do you. And that can be said for just about anything in parenting.    Nothing is ever a "one size fits all" when it comes to how you raise your children. 

We'll revisit this whole thing after the holidays if she hasn't started to pick it up on her own before then. I am in no rush. Would it be nice to not have to buy diapers and pull ups? Yes. But other than that, I'm sitting back and saying: it's okay. She will get there. I love her just the same…

p.s

She absolutely LOVED the "Potty Time" App. It had a sticker chart, games to play while waiting to go (or as a reward) and she got to "call her friend" It does a phone call for a success or accident and "Rachel" would give a loving, positive affirmation for either.  Also, the "Time to Potty" Pull-ups app had a great little timer you could set and the little jingle sets off when it's time. Before long she would hear the alarm jingle and knew it was time to try and go. BONUS--they are free apps!

Today is day two of potty training and if you've potty trained you know being holed up inside is how to get it done (in the beginning anyway) and mama is getting cabin fever. we hang outside in the morning but by 11:00 am it's crazy hot outside (thanks Texas) and so getting creative with play...well I'm pulling at strings! Then I remembered this awesome recipe for homemade non toxic play dough! It provided fun during the winter this last year when we had ACTUAL "Texas" snow days (I know, I know..East Coast mama's..it's nothing compared to your winters!) I digress...

So easy. Loads of fun and it's ready within minutes. And..if the younger ones sneak a bite--it's safe to eat..of course it IS for play! 

Ingredients:

-2 cups all purpose flour

-1/2 cup salt (fine ground like table salt or sea salt works just not the big crystals)

-3 tablespoons veg oil (I've used coconut oil at room temp before too and I actually prefer it)

-2 tbl sp. cream of tartar (powder)

-2 cups boiling water 

-food coloring (optional, but I like to color mine)

--some mamas also like to add lavender essential oil but I skip this personally.

Directions

1) mix flour, salt, cream of tartar and oil in a bowl (whisk works best to blend dry Ingredients then add oil)

2) take water off the stove once it comes to a rolling boil and add it in a half a cup at a time to the dry-ish ingredients. at first I stir with a wooden spoon, but it's not too hot to knead with your hands which is what I end up doing. Knead until it's slick but not sticky. 

------side note: too sticky: add a little flour and too dry add a little more oil 

3) I then separate them into smaller bowls depending how many different colors I want to make, knead in the coloring (yes your hands will get a little stained in the end and if you make red dough let me tell you it's a little horrific ha!) The color does eventually blend and it's good to go!

Store in air tight containers and enjoy! 

Let me start this by saying: I do not bake. I repeat: I do not bake. Unless it comes pre-cut, measured and just add water, I usually don't even bother. And for good reason.

But today was different. Today we had purchased some amazing, locally grown peaches and blueberries and the combination had me thinking of a recipe I had found once via Pinterest (of course.) It was about 10 minutes of prep and 45 minutes of bake time and took about 20 minutes for it to be demolished because it was that darn good.

The inspiration came from this recipe, but I tweaked it a little:

Ingredients:
-3 large peaches, peeled and chopped
-1 1/2-2 cups blueberries
-3/4 cups flour + 2 tablespoons
-1/4 cup oats
-2 tablespoons brown sugar
-3/4 cup sugar
-1/4 tsp salt
-1/4 tsp cinnamon
-1 tsp baking powder
-1 egg
-1/2 cup COLD butter (cold is important!)
-1 tsp lemon juice (optional, if your fruit is super ripe, add in when mixing fruit. If theres some tart to the berries, omit if you like)

Directions:
1. Peel (I used a potato peeler) all the peaches and chop into small chunks. Place peaches, bluerries, 2 table spoons of flour and the 2 table spoons of brown sugar in a bowl. Toss to coat and fill pie plate/baking dish.
2) Place the rest of the dry ingredients in a food processor or blender and pulse to mix. Add in 1 beaten egg and all of the cold butter (easier to chop up the butter then place in) and pulse til crumbled. (for some reason, in my case it started to all cream so if yours does this have no fear! it still works and tastes awesome!)
3) Spread/sprinkle/glob the mixure on top. Pretty doesn't matter here just cover as much of the fruit as you can. Place into a 350 degree oven for 45 minutes. Placing a cookie sheet or foil on the rack below can help catch any bubbling over the fruit juices might cause.

We meant to serve ours warm with vanilla ice cream but by the time we cut in, at about two plates each and sat back satisfied we had totally forgotten to add the ice cream!

I promise you, if I can do this one--so can you. And the best part? Any soft stone fruit and berry can make this dessert to die for.

Enjoy!!

Today I failed.

I understand why people call this phase "the terrible two's". Because with these tiny humans learning how to become actual people in society, comes tantrums, yelling, constant "no!"'s and incessant "mommy..mommy..mommy!!" even when you've answered her after every summoning. 

Yes, some moments are down right frustrating. I want to tell at the top of my lungs, "shut your mouth!!". But I don't..except today. Today, I did. 

We were in the car, on our way to the library. It has become her favorite place to go. Between the toddler classes, bubbles, songs, so many books she can never choose the right one to check out..puzzles, iPads the size of your coffee table and little friends; she loves it. You would think knowing we were on our way to her favorite place she would realize the treat she's about to get and she would sit there like a good girl the whole car ride there. All 5 minutes of it. Maybe sing a little song of her own, chat with her Elsa doll or just stare out the window. Come on Kristina, that would be too easy..

With the baby already crying and screaming because she was teething and me hoping the car ride would help soothe her to sleep, I was already tensing up. Mayah began to yell, "no. NO! no no no NOOO!!!" 

"Mayah WHAT is wrong?"

"No!"

"Mayah, use your words, I can't see what you want"

"No!!!!"

By this time the baby is actually getting quiet and I can see she is dozing off. I'm now irritated that the toddler can't just stop. Just STOP. Can't she see the baby is going to sleep?!

She gets louder.

"NO! no! no!!!"

I pull over and see what is wrong. Her sippy isn't leaking, she has water to drink and crackers to eat. The sun isn't in her eyes and her hair isn't up too tight. She won't tell me what she wants..or doesn't want. I start driving again. 

No mommy NO!!!!

"Mayah stop yelling, Ari is trying to sleep. If you don't stop, no library"

Screams ensue, I'm frustrated and mad. The baby wakes up crying louder than before. The car is HOT. WHY isn't this a/c getting cold faster?! Mayah is now screaming "yiye-bahyeee" (library) over and over. Shrieking. Yelling. Kicking her seat. But I don't back down either. 

"No Mayah. NO!! No more. No library."

Way to go.Add fuel to that fire.

By this time both girls are crying, Mayah is yelling. 

I pull over, turn around, look her straight in the face and yell at the top of my lungs: "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!"

She immediately stops crying, wipes her face and says, "ok mommy, sorry." And smiles at me. 

Really?!

 No. Not really. She continues to scream and yell at me. I drove to the library as planned, despite my threats and her yelling. In the last two minutes of my trip my head was pounding, I was flustered and mad, only this time at myself. Did I seriously just do that?

Before I knew it big, hot tears streamed down my face and I swear I could hear my heart beat as it pounded through my whole body. I was so ashamed.

My car some how grew quiet just as I parked. 

As I stepped out of the car and went to get Mayah out I saw her sitting there, quiet. I could see the streaks on her face from the tears and her curls stuck to her temples from her sweat. She looked up at me after a few seconds and simply said, "okay mommy..." She didn't smile, she didn't make much of an expression really...I took her down from her seat, stood her right in front of me and stared at her. I knelt down, grabbed both her hands and began to kiss and hug her and I asked her to forgive me. My tears ran down her little shoulders and as I hugged her she patted my back. I held her and told her how sorry I was. It's not nice to yell at people and mommy was so sorry, that wasn't right. She wiped her nose, smiled and asked to go inside the library. 

I wish there was a re-set button for today, for that moment. My child didn't push me or make me "go there" and it wasn't her fault I acted like such a jerk (and in reality completely un-loving.) My plans for a perfect library trip, my need and hopes of the baby finally falling asleep in the car in spite of the teething pain and my emotions and lack of self control got me there. She is two. But neither she, nor this stage in her life is terrible. I love her so much I can't even put it into words. Which is why it all hurt so much. Today I messed up. I failed to keep my cool and parent my child. And no, I won't beat myself up for forever, but I'll never forget that moment. How I felt. And how it didn't change a thing and it certainly didn't make me feel better. It's not like when you scream into a pillow after coming home from an annoying day of work. It's never like that with moments like today. It will always feel worse and make things worse. I'll learn from this and while for some, it isn't a big deal, to me it was a rude awakening at the expense of my kid. I'm thankful for God's grace and His mercy over me which helps remind me no on is perfect and even when we mess up, we can have a clean slate. But the guilt lingers..

After that I let her check out as many books as she wanted and which ever she chose. We went home with 9 books, one was in Chinese; it had Mickey on it. 

I love you Mayah.

"If we do not forgive, we are demanding something our offender does not choose to give, even if it's only a confession."-How Forgiveness Frees Us (Dr. John Townsend & Dr. Henry Cloud, Forgiveness Reading Plan)

I can't explain why I am easily offended. I can't explain why I tend to hold grudges. Maybe it's because I don't like when people don't like me. Maybe I am a closet "people pleaser" or maybe I really do care what others think of me. I like to say it's more so because I am a loyal person; and so when I am offended by someone I love, I tend to not be able to let it go.

I am a good friend. I really am. I can't sing and I can't play an instrument. I never could drive a stick shift and no matter how hard I try I just cannot get the hang of speaking a second language. If I'm upset it shows, a poker face is just something I don't have. But I know I am a good companion in life. I love you deeply, I will protect your name and I will never let them talk bad about you. I'll babysit your kids for free, get your groceries when you are on bed rest and bring you home made chicken soup and a stack of Us magazines when you're sick. I'm not bragging. I just know what it's like to need someone, so I like to be there for others when I can. And as I grow older I realize I just don't have the time or energy to put the effort into pretending everything is fine when it isn't. If you ever ask someone how they are and they say "fine" they are far from fine.

In the last few years or so I have been hurt by people close to me. Be it family or friend, stranger or some random opinion through an article about parenting I've read, I have found myself offended on more than one occasion. I'll admit, a few were more the result of my hormonal state than the actual error of another person; but some where along the way my heart was broken on more than one occasion this last year alone. What's more important than the details of the offenses, is the fact that I was left broken and bitter. I admit it, I've been bitter. And mad. And disappointed. And acted out in my anger, several times without caring.

All those cliches of, "If God can forgive me, then I can forgive them." and "Forgiveness isn't for your offender it is for you and your healing." and so forth…they left me rolling my eyes and crossing my arms more and more. What I have come to learn about myself is that I just can't do it as easily as I urge others to. To forgive someone. Especially someone who really isn't asking or giving a flying leap whether you forgive them or not. I can't. Well, not that I can't, it's more that I won't. I need the apology. I crave the explanation and the reasoning. I desperately need to know why. I keep myself tied to the offense and to the person forever by choosing not to forgive them (whether I get an explanation or not). Even when I get an apology, I wait and carefully decipher whether or not it's truly genuine or if it is just to settle the score. I find that I have grace for others in many areas but if I am crossed, God help them.

"To forgive someone means to let him or her off the hook or to cancel a debt owed."-Dr. John Tonsend & Dr. Henry Could, Forgiveness Reading Plan

Let them off the hook? Seriously? Without anything in return. Without them coming to me on their knees, tears in their eyes and heart in hand begging for my forgiveness? Please. Yes, that is the attitude I had. In my hurt, I abandoned the foundation of my faith. Something I earnestly claimed to stand firm on. I thought that in my worst, I was only sinking into this pit of unforgiveness. I only recently realized I was far underwater with no air. I was drowning in it and my faith was really being snuffed out on some level. I resigned from a post of grace and took up a flag of surrendering to my pain. And I didn't care who I hurt in return. They deserved it after all, didn't they? I'm ashamed to say this lasted for months. A year even. That's a lie. Years. It has lasted years. Not every day, but often. More often than not anyway. Throw a stone and I will put up a wall. A fortress. One not even the most sincere apology can break down. When I realized the life I had begun to live and how miserable I was making myself and others around me, I knew I needed to change but I still didn't want to. It wasn't until I discovered I truly was giving up on this person or that person and I came to the point of unreal consciousness. I began to breathe again. And I was painfully and acutely aware that in all of my thrashing around with my eye rolling, ignoring texts, with holding attention or affection or just plain contempt--these attempts to demand they make it right, I had placed myself in unreachable territory. Who could get to me? What would speak to me? I couldn't even feel God's peace on my life because I chose to reside in the land of "you owe me". Redemption could only be found in their efforts to make the wrongs right. And sometimes people can try, but we all know that won't be enough. Not if we won't let it. Other times, they will never try. Either because they know their efforts will fail at our rejecting them not matter what or they just don't care. Maybe, just maybe-they don't even realize they need to try.

The universal truth about forgiveness that remains, that never fails and that we must do in order to really be free again is to just do it. The only way to cut the ties, to free ourselves and to shed the layers of bitterness, hurt and spite are to choose to forgive them, whoever they are. Maybe someone molested you as a child or you have had multiple miscarriages and are angry at God or even yourself. A spouse cheated, a dad left, a mother abandoned or a friend forgot you along the way. Someone who was supposed to protect you failed you and that hero you held so high, fell in the battle called life. Similar tastes changed, distance created distance and words really did hurt. Your close knit family crumbled under the weight of managing an inheritance or you just couldn't measure up to a legacy left before you.

If you are going to go through life choosing to stay offended I only hope you have the arsenal necessary to barely get you through each day. Because it can become a lonely life, even when you are surrounded by many. I hope you have enough to keep you company when all you have left are your thoughts and memories of the same, tired story. I hope you can manage how it will tire you in every way possible.

What I truly and desperately hope is that you find not just the strength, but the humility in yourself to say what is hard to say:

"I forgive you."

I am guilty of holding it in, passing through life with a massive weight on me and hurting those who have hurt me. And I am sorry. I am sorry. I really am sorry. In my attempts to make people want to apologize (which never works) I have ironically placed myself in a place of needing their forgiveness. That's how it goes sometimes. We've talked behind their backs, used history to belittle them, chosen to make them suffer. I'm not saying your pain isn't valid. I know it is. But I am saying you need to forgive and forget. Yes, forget. Don't be foolish with your time and heart, but you have to let it go. Let them off the hook. Stop demanding restitution. The only feat you need is what you can do on your own. Forgive. There is no twelve step process for this I'm afraid, no process that feels as if you are making progress. It is a one shot, right now, drop the weights and let it go. It's a very personal and freeing decision. Trust me. I've read all the scripture, anecdotes, devotionals and stories about and on forgiveness. If I have the cure and choose not to take it, I'm letting myself die. Do you see? Do you get it?

I do understand just how freely God gives grace and forgiveness and I can see where He has just lavished my life with his redemption. Who am I…who am I to withhold what has been poured out on me with such love and intensity?

 You may also, in a secondary act of letting the hurt go, need to ask your offender for forgiveness as well…do it. I'm telling you, if you feel you need to, do it. It may only make a difference for you and that is okay. It will take a lot of humility and teeth gritting self examination but it will feel so much better afterward. I promise.

True freedom is found in love, and there is not hate in love. You can do it. I know you want to be free. My prayers go with you. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry you've been hurt, truly sorry…

Now go, get your life back…

With love,
K

Clouded with that thick, cotton candy shade of sparkle; you've heard it before. New parents gush as they snuggle their new little bundle: "I can't even remember what life was like before this little blessing! We are so complete!"

As enchanting as it all sounds (and truth be told, at some point or another in parenthood I believe THAT feeling is very real) let me tell you…I REMEMBER. I remember what life was like before my children. I had a job I got up and got dressed and did my makeup for, where I had actual conversations with other adults and a whole uninterrupted hour to have lunch. Lunch that consisted of whatever I wanted to eat and not composed of only the things I could also share with my 1 year old. Fridays were actually Fridays and something to celebrate. I could go anywhere I wanted with my husband and sleep in on Saturday only to eat breakfast for lunch, lunch for dinner and over salted popcorn at the movies for dessert. I had the freedom to shower, eat, sleep or use the restroom whenever I darn well pleased. I had a social life that didn't revolve around nap times or sickness and a vocabulary that didn't include "breast milk", "sleep training", "bubble guppies" or "me time" because all the time was ME time. Can I be painfully and completely honest? And this is really, really hard to admit…because when you feel the words fall off of your lips- your heart drops about 6 inches south and somehow the words cause you to feel as if you don't love your children as much as you believe you do. But--

I miss my B.C days. The days before children. Some days I miss them beyond words, other days I don't care for them much at all. Because when your toddler is regressing in her once twelve-hours-straight-through-the-whole-night sleep and your two month old literally wills herself to not go down for the night until 12 a.m and you have a migraine and a sick husband: you ache for a pause button. Literally-every part of your brain and soul would give anything for just one day free of anyone and seemingly everything needing you, pulling at you, whining for you and calling for you. If you have ever felt this way, like I have-its okay.

It is normal. It is inevitable. It is actually rational. You see, for most parents, a moment of weakness like this will happen. I break somewhere inside mentally and I flash back to the days where silence was taken for granted and sleep was as abundant as the day is long.

But I also remember those days and how much I longed for children. I cried out in prayer for a big, round belly and aching back. I yearned for a baby…a family…a life that meant carseats, spit up, disney junior, cutting up all the food into inhumanly small pieces, sleepless nights and 4 am snuggles with my newborn. I would've given anything to hold all of the babies I was ever pregnant with and yet now I wrestle between wanting what I have now and the freedom I had before children. The guilt that coincides with this is unlike any other. How awful is it for a woman who has longed for this life to fantasize about the former? Well…I'm human after all. And I have moments of utter weakness (usually due to utter exhaustion). And wishing for just a small slice of the life I had pre-kids doesn't mean I love them any less, it just means I still love myself enough to realize that I need moments like that. And that is important too. If we don't take care of ourselves as parents we are useless and sometimes harmful to our kids because out of secondary frustration we yell, hit, ignore or lash out more...

What I realize even clearer is that times like that-the moments that make me cry out in frustration are fleeting and pale in comparison to the gentle reminders of how much I love this life. I hear giggles and joy filled shrieks come from the closed bathroom door as my husband bathes our toddler. My two and a half month old smiles ear to ear just because I walked by her as she coo's in her bouncy seat. The calm after the storm as both girls are finally asleep at the same time once Aria falls asleep around 12:00 am. I watch her breathe that shallow infant breath in and out, in and out…and I cannot believe they are all mine. I cannot believe I have these two amazing little people under my roof. And I cannot believe that in spite of my temporary moments of insanity that they love me unconditionally and literally with everything in them. I've never known a love like that until them. And God Bless my husband...

He reminds me in the middle of all.of.the.stuff hitting the fan that this is just a season. They will soon sleep on the same schedule, Aria will go to bed sooner in a month or two, Mayah will potty train with ease one day, Aria will take the bottle at some point. And if not, we will still enjoy this time in our lives.

So if you're like me, and you can remember your B.C days with fondness, throw the guilt to the wind and raise your glass. It's ok. It's normal and it's just a sign you need to create some space for yourself. To reconnect, rest, think or breathe. Please do.

One day they will sleep better. One day they will sit at the table and eat a complete meal in one fell swoop. One day we will sleep from 10:00pm to 9:00 am straight and wake up in a panic wondering if everyone is up and fed only to realize "everyone" has been out of the house for years. Today you may be exhausted and at your wits end, but one day there will be a crib to take a part and sell off and car seats to remove and never lay eyes on again. One day they won't be there sleeping at the wrong end of the crib as you peek in their room and one day you won't have spit up on your clean shirt. One day they won't need you to rescue them as you to snuggle them back to sleep at 5:00 am. One day you won't feel their little body lay all its weight on you as you rock them back to sleep...and feel their heartbeat against yours. Until then, let's resolve to take care of us and enjoy them…because this is the most amazing thing I've ever done and I know you feel the same way.

"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart"-Whinnie the Pooh

from our home to yours!

download for free HERE

printable is downloadable as a pdf or jpg and is sized to be able to be sized down or up depending on how big or small you would like this in your home! it is mint/black colored and uses various fonts. I will soon design some in neutral colors with one font (different options) and be selling those very soon! enjoy! please let me know what you think and in which room of your house this will hang :)

xo

Kris

Recently I have found that the word "goodbye" holds so much more weight than I would prefer to give it. I have also found that it is a word I have grown to really hate-it's causing a lot of tears these last few weeks.

I think it's pretty common news Chris and I are moving to Texas…Wednesday. We leave on a 6:30 am flight and will be Texan's by 11:00 am CA time. People keep asking me…is it surreal? Scary? Weird? Exciting? Are you nervous? Are you sad? Yes. Yes. and yes to all of the above. We knew since last fall this was a plan in the works and by spring time of this year we knew God confirmed all of our prayers for answers, guidance, peace and location. Some of you may not know the true heartbeat behind this move and many are wondering (Texas?? Really..?).

I guess I will just start with-kids [your kids] change everything. Mayah has changed me in more ways than I can ever explain and she is my world. And with our second baby on the way, we know that with these blessings we call Mayah and Aria, come new dreams and hopes. Not so much for us, but for them. And while I would love to be able to afford my children every dream we have for them and those that will grow within their own hearts here, reality hits and we know some goals just aren't suited to thrive in the California market. I want to stay home with my babies while they are little and soaking up this new world. We plan to plug into a dynamic and spirit led church and grow within the body. I long to connect with women over the things of God and minister to them. My husband has dreams of writing a book, speaking across the nation and world for that matter and we have goals within our ministry and personal life we've yet to share. In trying to make a long story short, much of what we feel God has placed in our hearts and the values we have and plans we have-Texas seemed to be a very attainable and worth while avenue. So we have prayed and prayed and prayed. And asked for prayer, prayed some more and felt God speak. And with how amazingly only God could work, every tiny detail of this process has just been seemless-we would have been foolish to say "no" because it was the harder road emotionally. 

I know our friends and family would never ask us to give "this" up and we know with certainty that God has called us to Texas. And so, we walk in faith. Our house has sold and like only the favor of God can prove it's been a huge blessing. We don't have a house yet in Texas. Chris doesn't have a job and we've sold our cars and many of our furnishings. I grow more sad to leave my loved ones as time ticks closer to our departure, but I know we go with love and support. We have friends willing to host us while we look for our dream home which God has made a way for us to afford. Chris has interviews lined up the day after we arrive and we get to purchase new cars for our growing family as soon as we arrive. And while the sadness I feel for how much I am going to miss our friends and family is very real, so much so that it makes me feel like I am making the biggest mistake of my life; I have no fear. God is with us. We are allowing him to lead us and as long as we have each other we will be alright. 

Leaving those I have spent my entire life with and the only place I have ever lived and known to call "home" does feel surreal. To leave it all and not be able to see these precious people daily or weekly and sit and talk face to face--it feels unnatural. When I think about how much I am going to miss everyone it makes me not want to go. I try to not get emotional in the presence of others because once I start I just cannot stop. This is just the hard part of this process and I know we have to get through this. Lately, I cry a lot on my own and let it out when I can. Truth be told much of my mind is occupied by everything we need to do to move, get there and what will go into finding our home and preparing for this new baby. I get preoccupied. But when they leave my home, when we hug goodbye and the door closes. The solitude is evident and I realize what is happening. I am saying so long to a very big part of my life but find confidence in what we are trying to create for our girls. The opportunities we strive to pave the way for and the God centered life above all else-we owe it to them and ourselves. I am very excited for this next chapter in our life. I can't wait to get started and I feel blessed to have this opportunity.

I don't like "goodbye's". The finality of them make me uneasy and honestly it isn't realistic. I plan to continue to share life with you guys. My heart is heavy because of how much I will miss everyone, but I feel beyond privileged to have known and loved friends and family that make it so hard to say goodbye…

So I won't say it...I won't say goodbye. This is just "be seeing you" and I love you, I love you, I love you.

...

Of all the beautiful things I have ever beheld, all pale in comparison the little wonder that is my girl. My 30 inch, 20 pound, one year old blessing. She is strong willed, hilarious, adventurous, sweet and loving. She fears nothing and loves unconditionally. And of all the wonderful things I could say about her and all the ways I can build her up and encourage the amazing little thing she is becoming, I know some day my baby girl will encounter the hurtful side of words and my heart breaks. 

Words were meant for edification, encouragement, support and love. We were made to speak life and positivity; truth and destiny. My heart is that she would never ever be torn down by anyone, especially another girl. Sadly, the truth is that many use their words to hurt others and I can't say I blame them for that behavior, at least not the full blame. The media encourages bad girl-on-girl behavior and hate. Gossip, slander, name calling, lies, deceit, disregard and lack of self control are taught by the television and movies our daughters watch. Poor body image, low self-esteem and self pity are side effects of reading magazines geared toward girls (or women for that matter). Music demeans women and values we should cling to. Bullying in schools seems to be more and more prevalent and has been carried into parts of the cyber world parents can't keep up with.

Every female alive no matter their ethnicity, social status or age has experienced some sort of pain that comes from the syllables that escape another's mouth. 

Ugly.

Stupid.

Unwanted.

Useless.

Fat.

Weird. 

Loner.

Loser.

Worthless.

Fake

Nobody.

And more labels I cannot bear to type out, for I know the little eyes that might come across this post. 

You know what? Words hurt. They cut deep and last a lifetime for some. They are spoken by strangers, so called friends, family members and even mothers. Groomed to think social gossip and the occasional dis is just a part of "being a girl", too many young ladies are taught that it is acceptable and normal. My own experience at the receiving end of harsh talk still stings sixteen years later. 

Growing up I was skinny, small, lanky and shy. I had a big nose, crooked teeth, scrawny legs and chipped nail polish. I didn't know there was anything wrong with how I looked until I got to middle school and some of the popular girls made it their daily task to remind me just how ugly, unpopular and alone I was. I would spend breaks and lunches in a bathroom stall, eating my lunch next to someone doing their business. On field trips I was never picked to be anyone's "buddy" and in high school approaching school dances hurt because I knew no boy would ever ask or even look my way. My daily joy, confidence and purpose hung within the balances of the hurtful words spoken. Young lady, I know what it is like to feel as alone and invisible as possible. To be reduced to about 2 inches tall and sent hiding behind doors and under under my covers in tears because I felt so down on myself. I let them win.

To think that one day my precious, innocent daughter could possibly feel exactly how I and so many girls this very second feel...heartbreaking doesn't even begin to describe it. I cannot, I will not allow it. To the best of my ability I have to try and change this way of life so many have engrained in their minds. We need to teach our girls to go against what society has skillfully programmed and what many of us tend to teach without even trying. I forgo the nose job I so desperately wanted as a teenager, because I am so much more secure in myself now. And if my daughter should grow up to have the same nose as her mama and her mama, I don't want the nose job I got to tell her there is something wrong with her and we should fix it. I don't want the obsession with body image to trump the focus on who she is on the inside and how she treats others (and herself). I never want her to hate who she is or what she see's in the mirror. I never want her to make another girl feel badly about herself either.

My child is worth it. She is worth so much more...they are all worth so much more. We are all examples to the generation behind us whether we want to be or not; good or bad, right or wrong. My hope is that we learn to model what it is to support our sisters in life. That we show females how to speak good things over one another rather than tear each other down out of jealousy, hate, ignorance and hurt. We have a responsibility and we need to start now. 

So if no one has ever told you...

You are beautiful. Really.

You are worth far more than the most valuable diamond anyone could find.

You do have so much to contribute to this world and there is a purpose and destiny there for you, you'd be amazed.

There is nothing wrong with your waist, chest or shoe size.

Rock those glasses.

Embrace those braces.

Your curls are fierce and that smile, infectious. 

Freckles are beyond cute and your nose, hair, teeth, stomach and thighs are exactly how they should be.

There was no mistake made when the wonder that is you was created and you are a one of a kind beauty.

You are loved, valued, cherished and important.

You are worth it.

xo,

Kris

7 months

loves her bath time

says "dada" & "mom" (sound) :)

signs "milk"

loves to blow raspberries

hates tummy time

loves to sit like a big girl

favorite foods:

carrots

spinach

chicken

rice

sopa.

exclusively breast fed!

loves sampson

sofi is her favorite toy

loves waking up to her papi

has two bottom teeth

loves to watch the hive & football games.

download this printable here :)

Free Fall Printables!!

Fall is insanely close and since everyone around me seems to be "fall-ing" in up with their pumpkin spice lattes, boots and costume shopping, I decided to make a little "fall" happen for my own home. Here are some printables I designed and plan to hang in the house! Even though browns, oranges and maroons are typical fall colors, I kinda love the turquoise and tan! It's my favorite color :)

Anyway..if you want to display these as much as I do, I have added links so that you can download the whole set or just the ones you want! They are 300dpi png files which is a fancy techy way of saying they are hi res and good for printing and enlarging if you like (or scaling down if that's what you prefer). Enjoy! Let me know what you think!! 

-kris

 

{download here }

Download Set 1 here

{Set 2}

download set 2 here

{set 3)

download set 3 here

You can spot the signs a mile a way. Watery eyes, dark circles and hair so disheveled you'd think it hadn't seen a brush in days. Yoga pants, check. Nursing tank, check. And if you look hard enough, you may spot it-the vice. A glass of wine, a piece of chocolate or my personal favorite-a huge piece of fresh french bread with a nice thick layer of soft, silky butter.

Yes, you are looking at a mom who has had a very, very long day. 

Today was "just one of those days". My poor chiquita had been up nearly every hour to hour and a half since 3 a.m (after going to bed around 10) and couldn't nap right all day. She nursed good once and every other time she stiffened up, pulled away, clawed at me, screamed and cried...then nursed a little while later for maybe 8-10 minutes. The girl can usually go for 20+!

And as I tried to put her down for naps, she woke up. Put her down, woke up. Laid her down to play in her little gym, cried. Put her down to change her diaper-sobbed.

My poor baby. I shushed, I sang, I hummed and rocked. I patted, stroked, bathed and nursed. Nothing worked. 

And then-she finally passed out around 9:40 pm....and she's been asleep for about an hour and I pray for another 5 at least!

At the end of a day like this-all I can feel is guilt. I wanted to badly to soothe her, comfort her and calm her. My little love bug. When nothing will work, then come the water works. All I can do is have compassion for my baby girl. She can't tell me whats wrong or what she wants. And in my thoughts and sometimes aloud I beg: JUST TELL ME TINY PERSON!!! WHAT IS WRONG?!!

...And then, the calm...she's asleep...I'm alone for a few minutes and I cry..I feel so, so bad that she has had a tough day. I'm worn out. I'm re-playing it all in my head. It hits me just then-I miss her. I always miss her when she's down for the night. I stare at the monitor as she is finally asleep and I know in my heart-SHE IS OKAY. 

I give myself a break. My baby is just fine. It just happened to be one of those days. One of those lonnnnng days.

So mama, if you've ever had a day like mine, take a couple of big sighs, cry if you need to and then muster up what you have left and smile. That little thing that keeps you within an inches of your sanity sometimes is a breathing miracle. Or-at the very least-tommorrow is a do over :)

so in love...