I meant it in the "right now" sense as far as what Chris and I had gone through with our loss...I gave my life to Christ when I was 12 so I have been "saved" by grace ever since. Saturday though, I meant that God saved me from..well, let me explain..
In working through all the feelings, emotions and physical and mental growth and recovery that comes from losing a pregnancy/baby..I had read countless stories, posts and received emailes of women who just were so lost along with everything else. The depression and grief were just too strong and thus they felt so helpless, hopeless, weak and broken. I was so scared I would somehow end up so wrapped up in all of it that I wouldn't be able to get out. Nothing goes back to normal right away, its natural for things to take some time. But in my reading, research and inquiring posts on message boards, I learned all too well of the pit that waits if we cannot somehow find the strength to..well, be strong. I mean really, in times like that..you are just so desperate to feel in just the tiniest bit of control and hope that the strength you need so badly will soon come..
I remember..in the first couple of weeks, in going to the appointment and finding out we had lost our baby, in just a couple hours after that having to schedule the procedure and then in the days we took to just "be"..I absolutely hated my humanness. Because in that, in my humanness I was acutely aware of the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do.
Nothing.
In my circumstance-in that very moment Chris and I were left alone in the doctors office to just take a few minutes to ourselves before we had to make any decisions. You could just feel the rawness of emotion and even in that sadness, I felt held. Jesus was there with us, holding us and mourning with us. That was the only moment in my entire life that my heart was broken. But I still felt God there..
And in the events that were to follow and the weeks that were to come, we had to put one foot infront of the other and move forward. I felt though, in getting up and getting ready for work..in planning things each weekend and waking each day..some how, I felt like I was doing my baby an injustice. But through my husband, a friend of ours (Natalie Valdez, love you girl!)..and God..they all helped me realize that this was necessary and God was with us. We will never forget that pregnancy and our first baby, we just can't. But with God, we can still honor her--but also start to live life again, try for a baby again, be excited for other people's pregnancies and baby announcements and baby showers again. (now, most of this pertains to me but..you get what I'm trying to say) I think for me, it was harder #1) because I am emotional by nature as a woman..and #2) it was my body that had begun to change and take the shape necessary to take care of the little life inside me..and it was my body that also had to endure everything that came along with no longer being pregnant..and with the recovery. All of that was just a constant reminder for me, and different from the way in which Chris was handling things. And that's okay, thats normal...we are both healing and still, getting better each day.
Yes, some days certain things still sting..I stare at pregnant women some days and others I just bounce my eyes. Certain songs or poems I hear or see grip me like they wouldn't have before. But what I want to get across, and make clear..is that with God, all of this is easier. Easy in the sense that its doable. Moving forward is possible. Having a healed heart, being able to again, find joy in things that would otherwise hurt my heart because of my loss..its all possible with God. I realized that early on..as Chris and I would tell eachother constantly, that God is the same. He is still God. Like he was when we got pregnant. Like He was when the world was right..the world isn't dark and wrong now as far as "our" lives went. And yes, I sat there for hours sometimes in my prayer time just telling God, "you can step in, you can change all of this, you can save us from this." And I all of a sudden realized one day, He could have.
He very well and certainly could do anything. But he didn't. And nothing in me ever felt like God "did this to us" or even "let it happen" to teach us a lesson or build our faith or even punish us. That is not my God. I read in one book that one nurse told the author when she had lost her baby that, "we live in a fallen world"..and we do. This world is not perfect, it isn't even meant for us. Our loss just..happened..and instead our precious baby was born straight into heaven..how amazing. God has His hand over it all, and we trust Him. So when the world says I should expect to feel depressed, sad for months after and still grieve for months to years, that this may cause discord in the marriage, that I will be too emotional to work right or be involved with friends and activities. That this will always be a scar on my heart and in my memory and will make me tense or scared with the next pregancy. I can turn to God's word and hear, " Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers[a] of this world, rather than from Christ." Col. 2:8 All of those worldly thoughts are carnal and not of God. Because God says that we, "...use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. 5 We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ."-2 Cor 10:4-5. These weapons only come from using His word to guard and battle with our minds and hearts..when we want to just sit in the sorrow, God's Word reminds us that He has a perfect plan for our lives of fullness and plans to prosper us and not harm or hurt us (Jer 29:11).
And that's what I set to do, it's what I have been working on. To get my mind and heart aligned with God's and be okay with being happy again. Prayer and God's word not only kept me afloat during our loss, now they are ushering me forward with a heart that is healing...better that what the World said could happenor how it could happen or when. And I am just so grateful to God. That he carried us. He continues to carry us...we will not forget our first little love Isa, but we can have joy and peace again and have no guilt or sadness in even thinking about trying for another baby. Because God does intend for us to be his hands and feet in this world, and to live a life of fullness, joy, purpose and to have sound minds in Him. Choosing Christ was the best decision I ever made..he has saved me in every way....
Saved me from eternal pain both after my life ends and while I am still living it..I am not only saved by grace and faith to be able to spend eternity in heaven (Eph 2:8). But also saved in that he rescued me from the depression or fear or sorrow or hard heart I could have easily had if He was not with me. I don't know how I would have done any of this without God and I give Him all the Glory..all of it. On my own I am weak and broken but with Christ I can be whole and filled again! And He is always, always with me..
"38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:38-39
"And be sure of this; I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matt. 28:20
So, I am happy..I am. I miss my baby everyday..but I remember the pregnancy fondly..I thank God for the little time I had with her..and the short while I carried her, even though it was a tough pregnancy..I loved it still. I will forever love my child..and until I can hold her; Heaven will. She is forever in our hearts..and I hope someday soon, we will be able to giver her a brother or sister...Chris and I are excited to be able to try again in the fall...and we trust completely that God see's things we cannot. He is on the throne, in Heaven..and He see's us. He loves us deeply. He has not changed.
You saved me, Jesus...you saved me..I see the sunlight..I love you...I feel you and I love you...I exalt you God. All I can say is thank you..and I will exalt you..you are my God...
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