I know God is working on me still...but man...some days are just heavier than others mentally and emotionally. I was walking through the grocery store Saturday..browsing each aisle to make sure I didn't miss anything and along the way I pass three different pregnant women, 2 couples with babies and one of the little ones...oh he was just beautiful. And there somewhere between trying to decide between Hefty or Ziplock sandwich bags I caved...just caved.
I lost it. Right there. Just cried my eyes out for a minute or two. And I think God afforded me that moment because maybe He saw my heart, still sensitive to the blairing reminders that I am no longer pregnant. He afforded me that moment alone to let it out, right there in FoodMaxx..the store was packed with busy shoppers on that Saturday..but for those few minutes, He let me be alone. No one came down the aisle, not even to pass by rather than walk through. Its those little moments of grace that I feel God in my life even more these days...
Right now, as I type, Chris is on his iPad on the other couch here in our livingroom youtubing The Godkinz cover The Jonas Brothers' song "a little bit longer". And again, the tears start. It's sort of voicing what I have been feeling, "a little bit longer, and I'll be fine" So I know, I will be fine. I have been fine for the most part. I know, I know...that "technically" isn't a state of anything being "fine". You can say that you are "fine" but really......fine?
Honestly, I am finding contentment and happiness in where God has me. Has us. His plan is perfect. He see's things we cannot. He is God. And having faith in God, also means having faith and trust in His timing. I can't not trust Him. My world would fall a part with out Jesus at the center...completely. Because I have fallen a part, but in my weakness He has been made so strong. I know some people think/say that, "you will never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have." And while this may be true...very true. I have to add...in my weakness, was when I realized just how strong God is...and in that, He gave me strength I could not have on my own. I mean every bit of that. So, sometimes..my desire for what I once had versus my desire to be happy in where I currently am are often one in the same. But I do realize what a blessing it is to still have this life I have. To have my husband and my health. To have had what time we did have with our first pregnancy & baby and the memories and ministering thate has come since all of this..so...my heart is trying to play catch up, I know...
Even though I cannot control my surroundings or other peoples lives. I mean hello, other people in the world WILL get pregnant, will have those announcements, will have babies etc, it can't change my heart or faith or mentality. I am human, I have feelings. I am a woman. I feel those feelings maybe a little too long or too hard...sue me. :) I guess I just wanted to share all this just to say: it's okay to be human and have feelings and give yourself time to go through the process of healing and recovering from a loss (of any kind). But there does come a time where we allow God to extend His grace-and then times where we buck up, take our thoughts captive and press on.
I just thank God everyday that He loves me like He does, because He is so good to me. He gives me strength I need. He gives me grace when I need it. He just knows me so well.....
I ended up drying my eyes....getting the Ziplock lunch bags, praised the gorgeous little baby boy and his big brown eyes, and walked out of there...just as whole as I walked in :)
xoxo
(the song I mentioned in my blog. beautifully covered in this "raw session")
0 comments: