re-set button

Today I failed.

I understand why people call this phase "the terrible two's". Because with these tiny humans learning how to become actual people in society, comes tantrums, yelling, constant "no!"'s and incessant "mommy..mommy..mommy!!" even when you've answered her after every summoning. 

Yes, some moments are down right frustrating. I want to tell at the top of my lungs, "shut your mouth!!". But I don't..except today. Today, I did. 

We were in the car, on our way to the library. It has become her favorite place to go. Between the toddler classes, bubbles, songs, so many books she can never choose the right one to check out..puzzles, iPads the size of your coffee table and little friends; she loves it. You would think knowing we were on our way to her favorite place she would realize the treat she's about to get and she would sit there like a good girl the whole car ride there. All 5 minutes of it. Maybe sing a little song of her own, chat with her Elsa doll or just stare out the window. Come on Kristina, that would be too easy..

With the baby already crying and screaming because she was teething and me hoping the car ride would help soothe her to sleep, I was already tensing up. Mayah began to yell, "no. NO! no no no NOOO!!!" 

"Mayah WHAT is wrong?"

"No!"

"Mayah, use your words, I can't see what you want"

"No!!!!"

By this time the baby is actually getting quiet and I can see she is dozing off. I'm now irritated that the toddler can't just stop. Just STOP. Can't she see the baby is going to sleep?!

She gets louder.

"NO! no! no!!!"

I pull over and see what is wrong. Her sippy isn't leaking, she has water to drink and crackers to eat. The sun isn't in her eyes and her hair isn't up too tight. She won't tell me what she wants..or doesn't want. I start driving again. 

No mommy NO!!!!

"Mayah stop yelling, Ari is trying to sleep. If you don't stop, no library"

Screams ensue, I'm frustrated and mad. The baby wakes up crying louder than before. The car is HOT. WHY isn't this a/c getting cold faster?! Mayah is now screaming "yiye-bahyeee" (library) over and over. Shrieking. Yelling. Kicking her seat. But I don't back down either. 

"No Mayah. NO!! No more. No library."

Way to go.Add fuel to that fire.

By this time both girls are crying, Mayah is yelling. 

I pull over, turn around, look her straight in the face and yell at the top of my lungs: "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!"

She immediately stops crying, wipes her face and says, "ok mommy, sorry." And smiles at me. 

Really?!

 No. Not really. She continues to scream and yell at me. I drove to the library as planned, despite my threats and her yelling. In the last two minutes of my trip my head was pounding, I was flustered and mad, only this time at myself. Did I seriously just do that?

Before I knew it big, hot tears streamed down my face and I swear I could hear my heart beat as it pounded through my whole body. I was so ashamed.

My car some how grew quiet just as I parked. 

As I stepped out of the car and went to get Mayah out I saw her sitting there, quiet. I could see the streaks on her face from the tears and her curls stuck to her temples from her sweat. She looked up at me after a few seconds and simply said, "okay mommy..." She didn't smile, she didn't make much of an expression really...I took her down from her seat, stood her right in front of me and stared at her. I knelt down, grabbed both her hands and began to kiss and hug her and I asked her to forgive me. My tears ran down her little shoulders and as I hugged her she patted my back. I held her and told her how sorry I was. It's not nice to yell at people and mommy was so sorry, that wasn't right. She wiped her nose, smiled and asked to go inside the library. 

I wish there was a re-set button for today, for that moment. My child didn't push me or make me "go there" and it wasn't her fault I acted like such a jerk (and in reality completely un-loving.) My plans for a perfect library trip, my need and hopes of the baby finally falling asleep in the car in spite of the teething pain and my emotions and lack of self control got me there. She is two. But neither she, nor this stage in her life is terrible. I love her so much I can't even put it into words. Which is why it all hurt so much. Today I messed up. I failed to keep my cool and parent my child. And no, I won't beat myself up for forever, but I'll never forget that moment. How I felt. And how it didn't change a thing and it certainly didn't make me feel better. It's not like when you scream into a pillow after coming home from an annoying day of work. It's never like that with moments like today. It will always feel worse and make things worse. I'll learn from this and while for some, it isn't a big deal, to me it was a rude awakening at the expense of my kid. I'm thankful for God's grace and His mercy over me which helps remind me no on is perfect and even when we mess up, we can have a clean slate. But the guilt lingers..

After that I let her check out as many books as she wanted and which ever she chose. We went home with 9 books, one was in Chinese; it had Mickey on it. 

I love you Mayah.

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