"If we do not forgive, we are demanding something our offender does not choose to give, even if it's only a confession."-How Forgiveness Frees Us (Dr. John Townsend & Dr. Henry Cloud, Forgiveness Reading Plan)
I can't explain why I am easily offended. I can't explain why I tend to hold grudges. Maybe it's because I don't like when people don't like me. Maybe I am a closet "people pleaser" or maybe I really do care what others think of me. I like to say it's more so because I am a loyal person; and so when I am offended by someone I love, I tend to not be able to let it go.
I am a good friend. I really am. I can't sing and I can't play an instrument. I never could drive a stick shift and no matter how hard I try I just cannot get the hang of speaking a second language. If I'm upset it shows, a poker face is just something I don't have. But I know I am a good companion in life. I love you deeply, I will protect your name and I will never let them talk bad about you. I'll babysit your kids for free, get your groceries when you are on bed rest and bring you home made chicken soup and a stack of Us magazines when you're sick. I'm not bragging. I just know what it's like to need someone, so I like to be there for others when I can. And as I grow older I realize I just don't have the time or energy to put the effort into pretending everything is fine when it isn't. If you ever ask someone how they are and they say "fine" they are far from fine.
In the last few years or so I have been hurt by people close to me. Be it family or friend, stranger or some random opinion through an article about parenting I've read, I have found myself offended on more than one occasion. I'll admit, a few were more the result of my hormonal state than the actual error of another person; but some where along the way my heart was broken on more than one occasion this last year alone. What's more important than the details of the offenses, is the fact that I was left broken and bitter. I admit it, I've been bitter. And mad. And disappointed. And acted out in my anger, several times without caring.
All those cliches of, "If God can forgive me, then I can forgive them." and "Forgiveness isn't for your offender it is for you and your healing." and so forth…they left me rolling my eyes and crossing my arms more and more. What I have come to learn about myself is that I just can't do it as easily as I urge others to. To forgive someone. Especially someone who really isn't asking or giving a flying leap whether you forgive them or not. I can't. Well, not that I can't, it's more that I won't. I need the apology. I crave the explanation and the reasoning. I desperately need to know why. I keep myself tied to the offense and to the person forever by choosing not to forgive them (whether I get an explanation or not). Even when I get an apology, I wait and carefully decipher whether or not it's truly genuine or if it is just to settle the score. I find that I have grace for others in many areas but if I am crossed, God help them.
"To forgive someone means to let him or her off the hook or to cancel a debt owed."-Dr. John Tonsend & Dr. Henry Could, Forgiveness Reading Plan
Let them off the hook? Seriously? Without anything in return. Without them coming to me on their knees, tears in their eyes and heart in hand begging for my forgiveness? Please. Yes, that is the attitude I had. In my hurt, I abandoned the foundation of my faith. Something I earnestly claimed to stand firm on. I thought that in my worst, I was only sinking into this pit of unforgiveness. I only recently realized I was far underwater with no air. I was drowning in it and my faith was really being snuffed out on some level. I resigned from a post of grace and took up a flag of surrendering to my pain. And I didn't care who I hurt in return. They deserved it after all, didn't they? I'm ashamed to say this lasted for months. A year even. That's a lie. Years. It has lasted years. Not every day, but often. More often than not anyway. Throw a stone and I will put up a wall. A fortress. One not even the most sincere apology can break down. When I realized the life I had begun to live and how miserable I was making myself and others around me, I knew I needed to change but I still didn't want to. It wasn't until I discovered I truly was giving up on this person or that person and I came to the point of unreal consciousness. I began to breathe again. And I was painfully and acutely aware that in all of my thrashing around with my eye rolling, ignoring texts, with holding attention or affection or just plain contempt--these attempts to demand they make it right, I had placed myself in unreachable territory. Who could get to me? What would speak to me? I couldn't even feel God's peace on my life because I chose to reside in the land of "you owe me". Redemption could only be found in their efforts to make the wrongs right. And sometimes people can try, but we all know that won't be enough. Not if we won't let it. Other times, they will never try. Either because they know their efforts will fail at our rejecting them not matter what or they just don't care. Maybe, just maybe-they don't even realize they need to try.
The universal truth about forgiveness that remains, that never fails and that we must do in order to really be free again is to just do it. The only way to cut the ties, to free ourselves and to shed the layers of bitterness, hurt and spite are to choose to forgive them, whoever they are. Maybe someone molested you as a child or you have had multiple miscarriages and are angry at God or even yourself. A spouse cheated, a dad left, a mother abandoned or a friend forgot you along the way. Someone who was supposed to protect you failed you and that hero you held so high, fell in the battle called life. Similar tastes changed, distance created distance and words really did hurt. Your close knit family crumbled under the weight of managing an inheritance or you just couldn't measure up to a legacy left before you.
If you are going to go through life choosing to stay offended I only hope you have the arsenal necessary to barely get you through each day. Because it can become a lonely life, even when you are surrounded by many. I hope you have enough to keep you company when all you have left are your thoughts and memories of the same, tired story. I hope you can manage how it will tire you in every way possible.
What I truly and desperately hope is that you find not just the strength, but the humility in yourself to say what is hard to say:
"I forgive you."
I am guilty of holding it in, passing through life with a massive weight on me and hurting those who have hurt me. And I am sorry. I am sorry. I really am sorry. In my attempts to make people want to apologize (which never works) I have ironically placed myself in a place of needing their forgiveness. That's how it goes sometimes. We've talked behind their backs, used history to belittle them, chosen to make them suffer. I'm not saying your pain isn't valid. I know it is. But I am saying you need to forgive and forget. Yes, forget. Don't be foolish with your time and heart, but you have to let it go. Let them off the hook. Stop demanding restitution. The only feat you need is what you can do on your own. Forgive. There is no twelve step process for this I'm afraid, no process that feels as if you are making progress. It is a one shot, right now, drop the weights and let it go. It's a very personal and freeing decision. Trust me. I've read all the scripture, anecdotes, devotionals and stories about and on forgiveness. If I have the cure and choose not to take it, I'm letting myself die. Do you see? Do you get it?
I do understand just how freely God gives grace and forgiveness and I can see where He has just lavished my life with his redemption. Who am I…who am I to withhold what has been poured out on me with such love and intensity?
You may also, in a secondary act of letting the hurt go, need to ask your offender for forgiveness as well…do it. I'm telling you, if you feel you need to, do it. It may only make a difference for you and that is okay. It will take a lot of humility and teeth gritting self examination but it will feel so much better afterward. I promise.
True freedom is found in love, and there is not hate in love. You can do it. I know you want to be free. My prayers go with you. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry you've been hurt, truly sorry…
Now go, get your life back…
With love,
K
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