Clouded with that thick, cotton candy shade of sparkle; you've heard it before. New parents gush as they snuggle their new little bundle: "I can't even remember what life was like before this little blessing! We are so complete!"
As enchanting as it all sounds (and truth be told, at some point or another in parenthood I believe THAT feeling is very real) let me tell you…I REMEMBER. I remember what life was like before my children. I had a job I got up and got dressed and did my makeup for, where I had actual conversations with other adults and a whole uninterrupted hour to have lunch. Lunch that consisted of whatever I wanted to eat and not composed of only the things I could also share with my 1 year old. Fridays were actually Fridays and something to celebrate. I could go anywhere I wanted with my husband and sleep in on Saturday only to eat breakfast for lunch, lunch for dinner and over salted popcorn at the movies for dessert. I had the freedom to shower, eat, sleep or use the restroom whenever I darn well pleased. I had a social life that didn't revolve around nap times or sickness and a vocabulary that didn't include "breast milk", "sleep training", "bubble guppies" or "me time" because all the time was ME time. Can I be painfully and completely honest? And this is really, really hard to admit…because when you feel the words fall off of your lips- your heart drops about 6 inches south and somehow the words cause you to feel as if you don't love your children as much as you believe you do. But--
I miss my B.C days. The days before children. Some days I miss them beyond words, other days I don't care for them much at all. Because when your toddler is regressing in her once twelve-hours-straight-through-the-whole-night sleep and your two month old literally wills herself to not go down for the night until 12 a.m and you have a migraine and a sick husband: you ache for a pause button. Literally-every part of your brain and soul would give anything for just one day free of anyone and seemingly everything needing you, pulling at you, whining for you and calling for you. If you have ever felt this way, like I have-its okay.
It is normal. It is inevitable. It is actually rational. You see, for most parents, a moment of weakness like this will happen. I break somewhere inside mentally and I flash back to the days where silence was taken for granted and sleep was as abundant as the day is long.
But I also remember those days and how much I longed for children. I cried out in prayer for a big, round belly and aching back. I yearned for a baby…a family…a life that meant carseats, spit up, disney junior, cutting up all the food into inhumanly small pieces, sleepless nights and 4 am snuggles with my newborn. I would've given anything to hold all of the babies I was ever pregnant with and yet now I wrestle between wanting what I have now and the freedom I had before children. The guilt that coincides with this is unlike any other. How awful is it for a woman who has longed for this life to fantasize about the former? Well…I'm human after all. And I have moments of utter weakness (usually due to utter exhaustion). And wishing for just a small slice of the life I had pre-kids doesn't mean I love them any less, it just means I still love myself enough to realize that I need moments like that. And that is important too. If we don't take care of ourselves as parents we are useless and sometimes harmful to our kids because out of secondary frustration we yell, hit, ignore or lash out more...
What I realize even clearer is that times like that-the moments that make me cry out in frustration are fleeting and pale in comparison to the gentle reminders of how much I love this life. I hear giggles and joy filled shrieks come from the closed bathroom door as my husband bathes our toddler. My two and a half month old smiles ear to ear just because I walked by her as she coo's in her bouncy seat. The calm after the storm as both girls are finally asleep at the same time once Aria falls asleep around 12:00 am. I watch her breathe that shallow infant breath in and out, in and out…and I cannot believe they are all mine. I cannot believe I have these two amazing little people under my roof. And I cannot believe that in spite of my temporary moments of insanity that they love me unconditionally and literally with everything in them. I've never known a love like that until them. And God Bless my husband...
He reminds me in the middle of all.of.the.stuff hitting the fan that this is just a season. They will soon sleep on the same schedule, Aria will go to bed sooner in a month or two, Mayah will potty train with ease one day, Aria will take the bottle at some point. And if not, we will still enjoy this time in our lives.
So if you're like me, and you can remember your B.C days with fondness, throw the guilt to the wind and raise your glass. It's ok. It's normal and it's just a sign you need to create some space for yourself. To reconnect, rest, think or breathe. Please do.
One day they will sleep better. One day they will sit at the table and eat a complete meal in one fell swoop. One day we will sleep from 10:00pm to 9:00 am straight and wake up in a panic wondering if everyone is up and fed only to realize "everyone" has been out of the house for years. Today you may be exhausted and at your wits end, but one day there will be a crib to take a part and sell off and car seats to remove and never lay eyes on again. One day they won't be there sleeping at the wrong end of the crib as you peek in their room and one day you won't have spit up on your clean shirt. One day they won't need you to rescue them as you to snuggle them back to sleep at 5:00 am. One day you won't feel their little body lay all its weight on you as you rock them back to sleep...and feel their heartbeat against yours. Until then, let's resolve to take care of us and enjoy them…because this is the most amazing thing I've ever done and I know you feel the same way.
"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart"-Whinnie the Pooh
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