week 16
...no cravings still..
...yes still loving the ice water...
...baby is now the size of an avocado or about 4 inches long!...
...I cannot stand the smell of popcorn-can't do it. nope...
{i just heard thunder outside..lost my train of thought..i hate thunder!}
...anyway...
...nope...lost it....
These last couple of weeks I have really been allowing myself to feel pregnant in every sense, including mentally and emotionally. I think with the previous losses last year and just the anxiousness and worry that comes along with a normal pregnancy alone-it all held me back a little bit. I will say though that I was never fearful this time around-not really...no...
While losing two pregnancies and ultimately two babies months a part in one year was enough to make me think its time to "take a break" and more than enough to truly terrify me of another pregnancy. But once I realized I was pregnant this year in June.....I wasn't afraid. I think going through those losses helped me to realize just how sovereign God is and how much things are just not in my hands. Now-I'm not going to say "God allows this or that" or "he lets this or that happen yadda yadda"-I am not God, how would I know? But I do know that no matter what ends up happening-God is above it all, he is in control. He knows my heart and desires and he loves me deeply. He has Chris and I in the palm of his hands and while the losses were the worst times in my life-they didn't last for forever. I miss by babies and wonder what could have been sometimes-but I know that if they aren't with me-the fact that they are in Jesus' arms comfort me none the less. And really-we made it out okay and our faith was stronger after each experience...somehow this time around too I knew *if*....IF......if sometheing were to happen, yes my heart would hurt but eventually we would be alright. I begged God to let us have this baby..I pleaded with him...I cried out to him with each little cramp I had...I wasn't expecting to lose this one like I thought I would-I just really really wanted to have a long and healthy pregnancy. I wanted to bring a baby home. I wanted that empty guest room to finally be a nursery. I wanted to hold my child. So while I had no fear and I knew God had already given me this miracle; I decided I would enjoy this for however long it lasts. I would tell myself, "today you are pregnant, and today you love your baby." I was. And I did.
I know for some people this all may sound dramatic or even a little jaded or hint of cynicism-but being pregnant after losses is not a cake walk people. However-and this is a BIG however-my relationship with Christ has never been more important to me and I know God has pulled me through and above the fear, worry & anxiety that would have probably clouded my pregnancy (normally). He had mercy on my nerves and showed grace to my heart...and so I chose to finally recieve it and celebrate this baby and this pregnacy.
So I am sorry if I post too many "bump" pictures or if your news feed is clogged with "baby" this or "craving" that--this is just a true and evident miracle in my life and I want to shout it to the world! To God be the Glory and thank you to my husband for being an amazing partner in this journey already...
I know me getting sick, not being able to eat much, losing weight, hating the smell of his beloved late night snack (popcorn) and the irritability (alredady) hasn't been easy on me or Chris--but he's been pretty darn great thus far and I love you babe... Do I sometimes just want to punch you "accidentally" as you slumber away perfectly while I lay awake at night with heartburn & acid reflux tossing and turning? Suuuurrre.....sometimes. BUT-I don't. Because I love you. Because I am grateful for you. And because you probably wouldn't wake up anyway...
Anyway..
So here is to 16 weeks so far of a healthy pregnancy! Baby is doing great and soon enough we will know whether this little bambino is a boy or girl!!
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