So the other day I was browsing on my facebook and I realized...I had some "notes" in that 'notes' section of my FB. Basically, they are like blog posts on your FB..and as I was scrolling through I found this one..

It was something I wrote in early February of this year..(gosh that feels like so long ago!) As I re-read this posting...I couldn't help but take quite a few deep sighs and shake my head in that "man-I-cant-believe-this-...........but-its-so-awesome-" kind of way. Because this last week has been kind of hard for me..and I will go more into detail about that in another post but, let me just say..stumbling upon the post below, "Realized Faith", came at the perfect time for me..just when I needed it. And I could totally receive it because it was God inspired...it really has nothing to do with me...I'm just the typist :)
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Realized Faith: 2.28.11---

Have you ever had one of those days where you just need to get outside of your mind? Yea..I’ve had about three of those and I feel another few coming. Is it that big of a coincidence that in the very time in my life God asks for my faith and trust-and I vow to finally give it whole heartedly, that it’s the time in my life that “life” screams for concern/worry/questioning/tension…

It’s like, of course! Why when I promise to give God all of me in faith and trust and contentment wouldn’t my flesh claw at me to be concerned and worried and stressed?...When we ask God to give us faith, strength, peace and just that sense of trust, he doesn’t just snap his fingers and it appears. He puts us in situations to cultivate that which we pray for. If I have learned anything, I have learned that much :)

And with all that has been on my mind, I feel God speaking to me.. He is bringing me through the fire. To refine me and to just smooth out the rough edges in my faith and I have to just…be.  Stop the fussing and fighting and moving and whining and just..be.

It’s like this. In some random, un-intentioned moment you realize that God was so there for you. He was always there and in everything. And even when you couldn’t visualize an end or result; He came through. And maybe not in the way that you earnestly and specifically prayed for; but in the way you can now see was the utmost perfect and beyond what you could have conceived. And in that moment of realization you feel peace. You feel happy. You feel relieved and calm and grateful in ways you feel almost too humbled to try to explain or convey. And in that moment, at least for me..I often feel…ashamed. Because God came through so amazingly, and I am now just realizing it or giving him praise for it. He has never, ever, ever failed me. Even when purposefully I have chosen to disobey Him or reluctantly chosen to not have the faith I should, He came through for me. Who am I that the God of the universe, the God who says that the sun should rise and the moon should set, the God that puts the air in my lungs-who am I that He should not only care for me-but be for me? Who would come through for me, when I don’t deserve it and comfort me when I need it most…

What if I had faith like the faith that is built after the fact? Faith like God has already come through or even that He just WILL..? What if I lived with the constant realization and understanding that God is exalted. That he is sovereign and trustworthy. That He is beyond faithful and true. That He is concerned with the big and little, that He isn’t fazed with trivial life issues. He isn’t shaken, afraid, worried, unsure or unreliable. Fear isn't in His vocabulary.  He is all I will ever need and the best thing I can put all of me into. But if the God I say I believe in is so perfect, why is my faith so…un-perfect? Because we aren't God or perfect and having faith means you don’t know it all and you have to let go and let God be God. When you set him on the throne, and give him his rightful place in your life His mercies will give way for you to believe in ways you should. It is a hard decision because it means letting go of being your own (and everyone else’s) savior and answer and hope. That’s for Jesus to take care of, His word says so.

Faith is called for, life cries for it…I choose to take part in that kind of faith. Realized-on purpose-no holding back-final answer-faith. At some point you need to realize that NOTHING (let me say that again) NOTHING is too hard for our God. Nothing.

Deut. 3:24/2 Sam 7:28-29/Deut 32:4/2 Sam 22:31/Deut 7:9/1 Sam 12:24/Matt 17:20/Psalm 23:4

Listening to: Where I belong-Cory Asbury, His Glory Appears-Hillsong & All for you-Starfield..♥

Lately I have had no urge to write..mostly because my mind has been working overtime and I can't quite sort everything out just yet..at least not in an eloquent way...

On top of other things though...a lot of my thoughts are on and with our friends, The Peralta Family. They lost their precious four year old son last weekend (I will leave the cause out of this post out of respect for the family, details aren't needed right now..) but it was sudden for sure...

 They had and were blessed by their beautiful son for four years. I couldn't imagine the pain they were going through..all I knew was that I wanted so badly to be there for them. To do SOMETHING for them..and while they were in another state dealing with all this..all we could do was pray. All any of us could do was pray. But I know, I know in my heart that prayer works..While this family is still dealing with all of this, and in some ways a lot has only just begun...please continue to pray.

And like us, if in any way you ask "what can we do?" #1) pray..earnestly and daily...God's heart is moved when His people cry out to Him, so petition for this family before our God. #2) If you feel like that still isnt enough (to you) and you want to help in any way..I have a way..

Their family has set up a donations fund for the family to deal with very expensive medical costs surrounding all of this. They have set up the Robert Solomon Peralta Memorial Fund.( Acct# 5635377517, Routing #121042882. It's thru Wells Fargo Bank, you can give in person at any Wells, or wire/transfer money from your bank to memorial acct, must give routing # OR you can email me at the email address on the blog avilastoryblog@yahoo.com to see where you can just send/mail a check. All checks made payable to "Robert Solomon Peralta Memorial Fund")

 ^"The whole congregation of believers was united as one—one heart, one mind! They didn't even claim ownership of their own possessions. No one said, "That's mine; you can't have it." They shared everything... And so it turned out that not a person among them was needy. Those who owned fields or houses sold them and brought the price of the sale to the apostles and made an offering of it. The apostles then distributed it according to each person's need." Acts 4:32-35

"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:4

If you ask what you can do..this is what you can do right now..and while this family wouldn't ask themselves, we as their brothers and sisters in Christ are here to bear them up when they do not have the strength. Let us give of what is God's anyway..portioned out for those in need. We are all of one body..let us have the same heartbeat for all His children..and right now, for The Peralta Family..

They are the sweetest, most loving and humble couple. He is an annointed worshipper..so talented and strong in faith..He has led countless into the presence of God with Praise & Worship..she is a beautiful woman of God both inside and out. So sweet and caring..she has watched, played with and cared for many kids as she spent a lot of her time helping in the childrens ministry..and they are both amazing parents. Their two year old daughter, Lil Miss Noah...a gorgeous little fire..so playful..her laugh infectious..her smile contagious. And while this family has contributed to so many over their years in serving others and just being the amazing people they are...being who God has called them to be...will you now offer a hand back....and help?

We love them dearly..and know that God is with them and will deliver them from their pain. Not only because He said He would...

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but God delivers Him out of them all."-Psalm 34:19

"The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; He saves those who have lost all hope."-Psalm 34:18

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."-Isaiah 43:2

But because we  also know..they love God..they are strong in their faith and for eachother. And sometimes I couldn't say these things about myself so others said them for me and about me even in my weakness/brokenness, so now--I stand for them both and declare they are strong and will not be overcome by this. Even when our brokenness has us so low..we know God is close. And little Soloman is with Jesus now..He is in the presence of our precious Saviour, worshipping and playing with the Angels...strong and healthy and full of joy and peace...and He now too..is one more angel above us.. 

So, thats how I know. And we pray now for their healing, restoration, peace and even joy...that no bad thought have place here, we don't allow it.

So...if it is in your heart and within your means to give..anything at all...from the bottom of my heart, I am truly grateful. This is about our friends..and helping them in their time of need. And what you make happen for others, God will make happen for you (Luke 6:38). Come on everyone...lets come together in love and with a heart for His children...our friends in life, or even in spirit if some of you are just readers who I do not know personally...I ask with a humble and solemn heart..will you give? And if anything..I ask that you please continue to pray...thank you, thank you...

And for all of us..for The Peralta Family, for you...

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" -Philippians 4:19

"God gives power to the faint and strengthens the powerless. But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."-Isaiah 40:29-31

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so, so much..for anything you can do..I thank you. God Bless each of you and I pray God see's your blessing upon the Peralta Family..and I know He will honor you back...I pray many blessings over you..and I thank you..with love..I thank you.

xoxoxoxo
-Kris

       

It's been 23 days since we lost our first baby, 17 since we found out we lost her and 14 since we dedicated our angel baby to Christ and said our goodbyes...I sat here counting the days just now and I can't believe it..it hasn't even been that long and in some aspects it feels like its been an eternity...

While I wish so badly that I could've seen her beautiful little face and kiss her tiny hands...held her and felt her breath on my chest as we fell asleep together..snapped pictures of her and Chris cuddling in the Saturday morning sunlight..watch him pray over her each night as he did when she was in my tummy...while I wish with everything in me that we could have had all of that...I know, my precious Isabel is alive and well in heaven and in our hearts...and God is using her life still.

It almost feels crazy to me that in what little time we had with our baby...and the short time its been since she went to heaven...how much God has moved in all of this. While it is such a horrible thing, for a mom and dad to lose their baby, I think, for me at least..the real tragedy would have been all of this happening...us going through the loss, and that be it.

The real tragedy would be going through the loss and it going no further than that. For it all to just be literally "lost". I thank God everyday that even in her short life, Isabel had a purpose and in heaven, she is doing The Lord's work..how beautiful to know that! I thank God that in our pain and weakness He is made so, so strong and He rests with us. He moves in us still even through our brokenness..I look back at the posts I wrote right when everything was going on and its like I tell myself, "what...?" Without Jesus in my life there is NO way I could have done any of that...but God pushed me to use my ability to write..and I did. It felt good. I just prayed that it wouldnt only be an outlet for me...but a tool God would use to minister to others..to encourage others; especially women who have lost a baby..

I am just in awe of how God works..how His purpose for our baby is still being lived out and always will be..How God does what He says He will do...

^"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."-Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

Like Chris has told me before, "God already has it all worked out". He does. His word is true. His heart is good and whatever we offer to Him..He will use it. I just love that. My heart sometimes can only hang on this verse because I am weak. But God is so merciful and gives grace and comfort to His children in their time of need...To know that He keeps me present before God Himself is so vital to every part of me because there were and still are times I am just too beyond myself to bring myself before God...but then the prayers of others help to usher me forward...the knowing that God is here keeps me there...and knowing that Jesus Christ keeps me present before God. He can never leave..He has been with us always..

So, even in our mess...God brings beauty in..and while our baby is in heaven and we are here to remember and always love her...we are also here to take care of Kingdom business and shine Christ..even in our darkest times..

So, to my precious Isa...look mamita..look what your little life has brought forth...see the fruit! I am so proud to be your mama... :) :

"I've been reading your blog, Kristina. It is truly amazing. Every post has made me cry -whether good tears, sad tears or hopeful tears- Your words touch my heart in such a way, I cannot expain. Your love for God, Chris and Isabel is extraordinary. You are a beautiful woman of God. You inspire me."Kayla, Facebook

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"How beautiful. what a wonderful way to honor your first child. May God continue to bless you and give you those much needed times of refreshing in this tough time. Your faith inspires me and honors Him... "poster from The Bump.com

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"I just wanted to say after reading your blog post that you guys are an incredible testimony and I know God is and will use this for His glory. My prayers are with you both."-poster from TheBump.com

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"I hope you do not mind but i have been reading your blog lately and i really enjoy reading it. You really inspire me to heal in this time of sadness and i wanted to thank you for sharing it..."-poster from, TheBump.com

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 "I read through your blog and I also have PCOS pretty bad myself. Your blog is very inspiring, and I have lost a lot of my faith in God since having 4 miscarriages. By reading through I have gotten through my 'hate' of God and my anger, and I wanted to thank you."-poster from TheBump.com

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"Your post moved me and I felt like I needed to contact you. I am so sorry for your loss and I thought it was so sweet that you dedicated your first baby to God. I share your faith in Jesus and know he is carrying and weeping with you and your husband."-poster from TheBump.com

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  "I just read your blog and the tears are flowing.. I'm so touched by your grace and faith. You are an amazing woman, wife and mother. I'd like to share that i had a missed miscarriage 6 months before concieving Carlitos. It was devastating to learn as you did of my baby's passing via ultrasound and you described so beautifully how i felt. But what you have also done is reaffirmed my faith that my baby--our babies--are with Jesus and waiting for us. As a new believer, I haven't really dealt with that miscarriage 3 and 1/2 years ago and now God has allowed me to embrace my baby and see that she/he is there--waiting for me. Thank you for letting me see this truth and please know that you are a light for people like me.. I love you and am praying for you, Chris and baby Avila..."-email from a friend on FB

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"I stumbled across your blog in your signature when I was looking for answers on this board yesterday. I was trying to read as much as I could to figure out what was going on with me. I think your blog is beautiful. You are honoring God and bringing glory to His name by the way you live your life."-poster from, TheBump.com

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I kept most of these anonymous obviously to guard and respect those who posted these words...but wow..Praise God...Thank you Jesus that you have turned this for your good...that our babies life still goes on...and that in the end...there is Glory brought to your name..and I just want the world to know...I really had nothing to do with any of this...my fingers did the typing..but all of this...was all God..and the fruit of Jesus in our lives..

Thank you God ....thank you that we can feel you in everything and that you never leave our lives. Even in the mystery of who you are...you show yourself to us so clear sometimes..we want to live in you God...search our hearts and bring healing and restoration..make us whole again..and while we will never forget the beautiful life of our baby(ies) in heaven or whatever struggle we may be in...we will allow ourselves to move ahead and stay in your plan...we invite you God, to start a work or continue the one you have started in each of us...Oh God...you are beyond anything we could comprehend or describe and sometimes our words do not do justice to who you really are...but we love you. Shine your light God...in the darkest parts of our life and allow us to see you working even in our pain...give us the strength to be used..we trust you God..we breathe you in...we love you. We declare it...in Jesus name...

My Beloved-Kari Jobe

You're My Beloved

You're My Bride

To sing over you is My delight

Come away with Me My love

Under My mercy

Come and wait

Till we are standing face to face

I see no stain on you

My child

You're Beautiful to Me

So Beautiful to Me

I sing over you My song of peace

Cast all your care down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me

I'll breathe My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
I'll take you to My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole

You're My beloved

You're My Bride

To sing over you is my delight

Come away with me my love

I am in love with this song...it's so peaceful and loving and comforting (I know, that's a lot of  'and's') :)

But it is...take a listen to it and just allow our loving Heavenly Father to wrap you in His arms...You are His Beloved...He sings over you with joy and love...there is NO stain on you..be it from sin, pain or struggle...He see's you as his perfect and wonderful creation, His child...receive His love and mercy upon you life..allow Him to be close to you in whatever time you are going through. He is with you when you rejoice and especially when you are mourning or struggling. He never EVER leaves you...I want you to know how much He loves and cares for you. How much you are on His heart and mind...and He is always with you...just allow this to speak to your heart...to sing to your heart...to come and sit with you..and just be with you... You are HIS  beloved....

The night before our 12 wk appointment, I had a dream that in the appointment they told us we were having a girl. When I woke up the next morning...I was a little perplexed. I knew it was just a dream and that at a 12 week appointment that is just too soon to learn the sex of the baby.Either way, it made me smile and I took it for what it was...a dream.

Flash forward to 2:00 pm that Tuesday afternoon and we find that we lost our baby and the chaos ensues. That night, I had no dream...I dont even remember sleeping, I was too nervous for the next morning...


That next morning, Wednesday, was the procedure and that night, I dreamt of a baby girl. She was an infant. She was all bundled up in pink onesie-long sleeve pajama's with the little feetsie bottoms, asleep and as peacful as ever. We were sitting in the bedroom and then I hand her off to Chris, he takes her into the living room where friends and family are, we all hang out...she wakes and I even nurse her (something I have obviously never done in real life). It was so surreal, so strange and so amazing all at the same time. But for some reason...I never caught a real glimpse of her little face. I remember gazing at her in my dream, just staring in awe at this baby girl..and yet when I woke..for the LIFE of me, I couldn't remember her face..but it was still an amazing dream. I didn't feel tortured by it, but rather somewhat comforted.

The next night, Thursday night...another dream. Only this time, she was a toddler. I'd say about 11 months or so. Running around all cute! In my dream, we were at this big event and Chris had just finished speaking and I was back stage with our daughter..she was dancing and running in circles, wearing jeans, gold ballet flats and a bright pink hoodie. She had short wavy/curly brown hair with a cute little flower clip holding her hair out of her face, just off to the side. Chris comes running down the corridor and swoops her up, you know-the way you do when you swing the child in the air and make them squeal with shear panic and joy! :)

He held her as we talked to other people backstage...she twirled her hair with her little fingers and giggled incessantly as daddy tickled her in between laughing with friends and conversing. But again, sadly I woke up and it was over. And again...I could not make out or remember her face. It was like that movie, Inception. Where his kids are there yet he cannot make out their faces but he knows his children. And she knew me...she knew my voice..she loved her daddy and just adored him...it was the best dream...and in that dream she had a name...

And her name, was Isabel.

We called her "Isa" for short sometimes, I remember that..but Isabel altogether.

Isabel.

When I was pregnant, Chris and I talked about names we liked and this one never really came up..In going through the loss, procedure and what was to follow, Chris had told me that in that time, he had prayed to  God, that He would help us with some identity for the baby we lost.. anything. But I had the dream about the doctor telling us we were having a girl before Chris prayed any of this...but after his prayers...in my dreams I had her for a while..and her name, her name was Isabel. I didn't tell Chris about any of this until the week after the loss...I think I still needed time to process it all and make sure I wasn't going crazy! Now, people may think I am insane or just too wrapped up still in the loss..but let me tell you. I know within my heart..that God heard our cries in the middle of our pain and answered that prayer. Yes, I think God can do this..and I know He did..without a shadow of a doubt, I believe that God not only let us know our baby was a girl...but He loved us enough to go one step further..and He named her.

Back to Friday of that week, Chris and I went to Half Moon Bay and dedicated and released "Baby Avila" to Christ and had our day together. It was a great day..we needed that. Then, the next day, before I knew it--I woke up..and realized..no dream. I hadn't had another, and I haven't had another since then. But when I stop, and think..about the dreams, about the timing..about it all. I smile. My heart smiles. It gives me such peace. I long for another dream like the ones I had that week, but I think God gave me all that I needed. He settled my heart about knowing my child since we never got to meet her and he answered Chris' prayers too..and this meant the world to him. To both of us.

I decided to make a short scrapbook for her of what we had so far through the pregnancy...pictures of the positive home pregnancy tests, of the little bump I had so far and of the two ultrasound pictures we had. Pictures of each of us and of the day we dedicated her at the beach, and journal entries I had so far about the pregnancy. It's not a lot as far as quantity..but when I think about how much it all meant to us..I can't just throw it all away or shove it in a box. We have a baby...and though she is not in our arms, she is forever in our hearts..and we are already mom & dad, just to an angel baby.

Since telling Chris, we have both found peace and joy in this :) I thought it would be nice to give her a full name..and so, upon Chris' approval, her middle name is Justine. It's my mom's middle name and then it was given to me as my middle name..and so, Isabel Justine...

"Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you.  Before you saw the light of day, I had Holy plans for you..."-Jeremiah 1:5 (The Message)

Isabel Justine Avila

I like it. Thank you God, for allowing me to have a husband who would even think to pray for this..and thank you for loving us enough..to do this for us..we love you Lord. We are grateful. God is just so good to us. :) We love you Isa...xoxo