one of those days...

You can spot the signs a mile a way. Watery eyes, dark circles and hair so disheveled you'd think it hadn't seen a brush in days. Yoga pants, check. Nursing tank, check. And if you look hard enough, you may spot it-the vice. A glass of wine, a piece of chocolate or my personal favorite-a huge piece of fresh french bread with a nice thick layer of soft, silky butter.

Yes, you are looking at a mom who has had a very, very long day. 

Today was "just one of those days". My poor chiquita had been up nearly every hour to hour and a half since 3 a.m (after going to bed around 10) and couldn't nap right all day. She nursed good once and every other time she stiffened up, pulled away, clawed at me, screamed and cried...then nursed a little while later for maybe 8-10 minutes. The girl can usually go for 20+!

And as I tried to put her down for naps, she woke up. Put her down, woke up. Laid her down to play in her little gym, cried. Put her down to change her diaper-sobbed.

My poor baby. I shushed, I sang, I hummed and rocked. I patted, stroked, bathed and nursed. Nothing worked. 

And then-she finally passed out around 9:40 pm....and she's been asleep for about an hour and I pray for another 5 at least!

At the end of a day like this-all I can feel is guilt. I wanted to badly to soothe her, comfort her and calm her. My little love bug. When nothing will work, then come the water works. All I can do is have compassion for my baby girl. She can't tell me whats wrong or what she wants. And in my thoughts and sometimes aloud I beg: JUST TELL ME TINY PERSON!!! WHAT IS WRONG?!!

...And then, the calm...she's asleep...I'm alone for a few minutes and I cry..I feel so, so bad that she has had a tough day. I'm worn out. I'm re-playing it all in my head. It hits me just then-I miss her. I always miss her when she's down for the night. I stare at the monitor as she is finally asleep and I know in my heart-SHE IS OKAY. 

I give myself a break. My baby is just fine. It just happened to be one of those days. One of those lonnnnng days.

So mama, if you've ever had a day like mine, take a couple of big sighs, cry if you need to and then muster up what you have left and smile. That little thing that keeps you within an inches of your sanity sometimes is a breathing miracle. Or-at the very least-tommorrow is a do over :)

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